A Matter Of Justice (Grey Justice #4)(49)

“And you didn’t tell me. Why?”

“Because I knew you would find excuses to not go through with it.” Before she could respond, he said, “Let me ask you this. Do you think the killing would have stopped if we had tried to have him arrested, tried the legal route?”

Of course it wouldn’t have stopped him. They both knew that. Even if a prosecutor had been able to stay alive long enough to prove Hill Reed’s guilt, the man would have continued to wreak havoc on the innocent. He had the money and influence to run a full-fledged kill factory out of a prison. Killing him had been the only way to stop him.

Apparently seeing the answer in her face, Grey continued, “The bastard needed to die before he could destroy more lives.”

“You’re right. I just…” She took a breath, continued pacing. “I had to get away from you. To mourn, grieve. To deal with the fact that I was so incredibly grateful that he was dead. And that I had been the one to kill him.” She threw him a twisted smile. “Sorrow and elation are a tough combination to deal with.”

“Did you talk to Dr. Tobin about it?”

She took a moment to be thankful that he didn’t know that she had visited her therapist before she left Dallas that day. Sheila Tobin knew the truth of everything—the past and the present. Irelyn trusted her almost as much as she trusted Grey. That meant nothing when it came to Grey’s need to know something. She’d often thought that Dr. Tobin saw her and Grey as one patient. They were that connected.

“Yes, I did. It helped to be able to articulate what I was feeling.”

“You could have talked to me.”

No, she couldn’t have. She’d been too messed up at that time, and Grey would have been as implacable as he was now.

“I needed to deal with it on my own, in my own way.”

“When did you decide you were going to find your brother?”

“From the moment Reed told me about him, I knew I had to find him.”

“And you never thought to come to me? To let me help?”

“Help with what, Grey?”

“Finding your brother without risking your life. That’s what.”

“I didn’t want to involve you.”

“Did you think I would kill him?”

“I didn’t know. I didn’t want you to have to make that choice.”

“You said last night that you wanted to try to save him, change him.”

“It wouldn’t have been impossible. You saved me. I changed.”

“You changed yourself. Not me. You were never what Reed tried to make you. He might’ve damaged you, but he never corrupted your soul.”

She wasn’t so sure about that, but there was no point in going down that rabbit hole again.

“Kevin was—”

“Empty. You saw it, Irelyn. Don’t tell me you didn’t. His eyes were as blank and soulless as a robot’s. He would’ve killed you without hesitation.”

She couldn’t argue. She had seen that emptiness—and something else, too…something evil. He would have enjoyed killing her.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t save him.”

“Are you?”

“Yes. Despite our past, I would have liked for you to have family.”

She knew that was true. Yet, she had doubted him all the same. Grey had a right to want everyone she cared about dead. How odd was it that he was the one she cared about the most?

“I shouldn’t have doubted you. I just—”

“You stopped trusting me.”

He said the words so matter-of-factly that anyone else would have thought it meant nothing to him. But she wasn’t anyone else. She knew this man too well not to recognize his pain. Her distrust hurt him.

“Yes.”

“What can I do to regain your trust?”

She wanted to say he already had. She wanted to take that grim look off his face, remove the darkness from his eyes. Lying to him, even to make him feel better, would be worse.

“I don’t know.”

He nodded. “Very well. While we work that out, I’d like to ask a favor. Stay with me, work with me to find out who’s behind the attempts on my life.”

That should be an easy promise to make. There was nowhere in the world she wanted to be more than with Grey. Whether she was here or somewhere else, her total focus would be on finding the person who wanted Grey dead. Still, she couldn’t make the promise completely. Depending on what they found out, she might need to leave again.

“All right. I’ll stay…for now.”

Based on the relief on his face, he hadn’t been sure of her answer. It hurt that there was this awkwardness and uncertainty in their relationship now. Even as much as they often warred with each other, they’d always communicated with ease. But their connection was damaged. They’d been struggling before that last painful break, when she’d ended Reed’s life. Killing him had been the catalyst, but their troubles were brewing long before that.

She knew when it happened, remembered the day well. The saddest part was that he wouldn’t remember. Out of the thousand things Grey did each day, this one hadn’t even registered. To Irelyn, that one moment had defined who they were together and what their future looked like. Things had spiraled downhill after that.