A Different Blue(160)

reservation, but this wasn't it. A few pictures were placed on the mantle, and a large Indian-

style rug covered the wooden floor. I knew nothing about the Paiute Indians – their customs,

their history, their lifestyle. It would be something I hoped this woman could teach me about

myself. Someday.

Stella's eyes kept drifting to my face, like she couldn't believe I was there. I let her look

her fill and drank her in as well. The moment was beyond surreal, and I have wondered since how

we must have appeared, staring at each other in silence, the clock on the mantel marking time as

we tried to absorb more than eighteen years into the present.

We made small talk for several minutes, discussing our trip to Reno and our drive to St. George,

but soon the talk turned to my mother. I had the distinct feeling that my grandmother needed me

to understand her daughter. Maybe because she was still struggling to understand her as well.

“Winnie was full of personality, and she loved being the center of attention, which she usually

managed to be both here at home and at school. My parents doted on her, and she always had lots

of friends. She loved cheerleading and was very popular, especially with the boys. I was always

just the opposite. I was so shy around boys . . . never could figure out what to say.” Stella

paused, and I wished she hadn't told me my mother was popular with the boys. It made me worry

once again that we were alike, and I didn't want to be anything like her. My feelings of despair

deepened as Stella touched on her daughter's unexpected pregnancy.

“Being pregnant was hard for her, as it would be for any sixteen-year-old girl. When Ethan

didn't want to have anything to do with her or the baby, she was despondant . . . wouldn't come

out of her room, cried a lot. Her pregnancy was miserable, and after you were born, she was

inconsolable. The doctor said it was postpartem depression As time passed, she was less

depressed, but she became so angry, and I took care of you most of the time. You were a sweet

baby, such a calm little thing. You hardly ever fussed. You made it easier for Winnie to ignore

you, I think. For me, it was that much easier to love you. As long as you had your blanket, you

were content.”

“Was it blue? With elephants on it?”

“Yes! It . . . it was!” Stella stuttered in surprise. “Do you remember?” My grandmother's

lips trembled, and she pressed her knuckles to them to suppress the emotion that was evident in

every line of her face.

I nodded, suddenly unable to speak.

[page]“Winnie hated it.” Stella's voice wobbled, and she cleared her throat. “She said blue

was for boys. But I chose it because you had such blue eyes. Your eyes were so striking. In

every other way, you looked Native, except maybe not so dark. Your eyes were what finally

convinced Ethan's family that you were his. His family gave Winona some money when you were

almost two years old. She took the money they'd given her, stole all the money in my savings

account as well as my car, and hit the road. Unfortunately, she didn't leave you behind. I have

always regreted not contacting the police and having them throw her in jail. It might have saved

her life, and I would never have lost you.

“But she needed to grow up, and I thought getting out of town would be good for her. So I

didn't report it. I just . . . let her go. In fact, if she would have just asked me for the