A Covert Affair (Deadly Ops #5)(68)

Amelia’s arms dropped, her bright eyes lighting up with hope. “For real?”

“Yeah, he confessed and took a deal. He was scared the cops would try to pin the disappearance of Tessa on him.” Not to mention he had a few priors so he knew how the system worked. If he hadn’t taken the deal and then had gone to trial with those priors on his record, he would have likely been found guilty. And a jury would have potentially, and probably, given him a harsher sentence than what he’d gotten. The guy was playing the odds that he’d get out of prison early.

“Thank God.” She raked a trembling hand through her hair.

He wanted to pull her close, to comfort her, but held back. “I . . . found out after the fact that you went to Mercado’s.” And he was trying to get over being pissed about it. “The team got everything. He doesn’t appear to be involved. Not with the kidnappings anyway. He’s definitely into some illegal stuff, but it doesn’t look as if he’s into moving or selling people.” Or if he was, there was absolutely no evidence to indicate it.

“Thank God,” she murmured. “I thought my psycho-detecting radar was screwed up.” Her lips twitched a fraction, making him smile in return.

“You shouldn’t see him anymore, regardless.”

She cocked an eyebrow at him. “Is that an order?” He’d started to respond when she shook her head, cutting him off. “I don’t know why I said that. I’m not going to see him anymore.”

He nodded once, that awkwardness between them expanding again. He wished he knew how to fix it. “I don’t want to walk away from us,” he blurted.

It was clear he’d surprised her. She took a step toward him, her blue eyes filled with anguish. “I don’t either, Nathan.”

God, he loved when she said his name.

“But I feel like there’s this chasm between us and I don’t know how to fix it,” she continued. “And I’m not saying you will, but I have this fear that you’ll always resent me or hold it over my head that I didn’t tell you. I don’t want to live like that, feeling guilty all the time. It took me years—and a lot of counseling—to get to where I am, to a good place where I like myself again.”

Anger flared inside him even if he knew he deserved her reaction. He’d walked out, but only so he wouldn’t say something he’d regret. “I’m right here, telling you I want to try. You’re not even going to give me a chance?”

She started to reach for him, let her hands drop instead. “I didn’t say that. I just . . . I want to try a relationship with you. So much. Being with you again has reminded me how much I . . .” She cleared her throat. “How much I care for you. But it feels like we’re doomed to fail.”

Screw that. He wasn’t giving her up. He closed the distance between them and in a completely dominant move grabbed her hips and tugged her close. Her hands flew to his chest and slid over his pecs. “We can start fresh, be honest with each other about everything.”

Something flared in her eyes and she watched him for a long moment. “You mean like telling me who you really work for?” There was no anger in her words.

Shit. He didn’t respond. He did want complete and total honesty between them, but his cover was part of his job. He’d grown accustomed to it, but lying to Amelia twisted him up inside. Especially since he’d just talked about starting fresh. Who the hell had told her? Or maybe she’d just figured it out on her own.

“Are you going to say anything?” she asked quietly.

He wanted to tell her the truth. Desperately. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” Her voice was flat.

“Can’t.” He absolutely couldn’t tell her who he worked for without authorization.

“Right.” Her lips pulled into a thin line. She took a small step back, forcing him to drop his hands from her hips. The step might as well have been as big as the Grand Canyon for how wide he could feel it stretching between them. “Is this like some sort of punishment? I don’t trust you, so you don’t tell me something?” Her question wasn’t bitter, just . . . full of anguish. Once again she wrapped her arms around herself in a clearly protective gesture.

He’d never do that, and it pissed him off she could think it. He physically ached to hold her. “No,” he gritted out. He started to say more, but his phone buzzed in his pocket. It was close to midnight, so this wouldn’t be good. Jaw clenched tight, he whipped his cell out, winced.

It was Burkhart. Infil in one hour. Get to base now.

No details because they weren’t necessary. They’d be infiltrating somewhere and he’d better be ready to gear up and go. “I’ve got to go.” Talk about perfect fucking timing.

Amelia simply nodded, her expression one of complete remoteness.

Well, fuck that. He covered the distance between them and crushed his mouth to hers. Her palms flattened against his chest. He thought she was pushing him away and started to back up, but then her fingers curled into his shirt.

Consumed with the need to taste her, he invaded her mouth with his tongue, teasing his against hers. When she moaned and lifted a leg to wind around his waist, grinding her body against his, it took all the strength he possessed not to stay and finish this.

With effort, he pulled back. “I’ve gotta go.”