A Covert Affair (Deadly Ops #5)(51)

Her expression was tormented. “I know that now. But it took a long time to get to that point. I hated myself, hating looking in the freaking mirror for a long damn time after that. If I couldn’t stand myself, I didn’t think you’d want me either. I thought you’d hate me when you knew the truth.” By the glint in her gaze, he wondered if she still expected that. For him to hate her.

“It was easier to just walk away. By the time I even thought about telling you, it was almost four years later and I had no idea how to get in contact with you. Benita was gone and your parents would have had no clue who I was. They weren’t even living here anyway. Hell, even if I could have found you, I had no idea if you’d want to hear from me anyway. For all I knew you were married with a family—something I didn’t want to know anyway. I . . . I’m not trying to make excuses, just tell you how I reacted to everything back then. I was seventeen and blamed myself. Being around you after that was too hard and I had no freaking coping skills. I’m sorry I hurt you by walking away. So damn sorry. If I could go back and change things, I would. I’d change everything.” Her voice cracked on the last word.

Nathan struggled to find his voice. All these years. All these years she’d kept this from him. “I thought it was something I did! It was all I could think about for years.” He wanted to pull back his anger, but it came spilling out. Knowing the truth, he couldn’t actually blame her. She’d been seventeen and, from the sound of it, very depressed. That didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to feel anything. “Damn it, Amelia!” They could have worked it out if she’d told him. He would have done anything to be with her. A dull ache spread against the base of his skull.

She didn’t say anything, just sat there watching him with sad, teary eyes. He didn’t know what to say, how to feel or act. There were too many emotions. Anger, resentment, betrayal, and . . . grief. Grief at knowing they’d lost twelve years together over something he gladly would have stood by her side through.

All he knew was that he needed distance before he said something he would regret. The pain and guilt in her eyes were too much. He wanted to shout at her even as that voice in his head told him to pull his head out of his ass, that with her background her reaction to what she’d gone through was completely in the realm of normal and understandable.

But knowing all that didn’t change the emotions clawing at him. He’d been screwed up over her for years, wondering what he’d done wrong. The truth was, she hadn’t trusted him. Not really. That was what cut the deepest. She’d thought he would abandon her when she needed him most. He felt sick.

“I need to get out of here,” he finally rasped out.

Because being in her presence simply wasn’t an option anymore. If he’d expected her to argue, he would have been disappointed. Part of him was when she slid off her chair and just nodded. Accepting that he was leaving.

Feeling as if he were on autopilot, he headed for the front door with Amelia walking silently next to him. She turned off the alarm before wrapping her arms protectively around herself once again.

That need to protect and comfort her flared to life, but he ruthlessly shoved it back down. “Set the alarm after I leave.” The words came out like an order, but that was pretty much all he could manage right now.

Without waiting for a response, he left. For just a moment, he waited on the front step and listened. When he heard the door lock and then the faint sound of the alarm beeps, he left, running down her street to burn off the anger inside him.

The muscles in his legs strained as he pushed himself to the limit, but as fast as he ran, he’d never be able to outrun the past.





Chapter 13


OSINT—open-source intelligence: information derived from publicly available sources.





Hands on her hips, Amelia frowned at the week’s schedule she’d posted on her office door. Tessa had been slated to come in this morning and it was half an hour past when she should have been here. It wasn’t uncommon for her front-of-the-house staff to arrive right on time or a few minutes late—that was just the nature of the restaurant business—but Amelia didn’t like this whole situation.

Tessa hadn’t been on the work calendar yesterday because of school and Amelia felt bad, but she hadn’t thought much about Tessa not coming in for her last shift. She’d had a lot going on at work, then with . . . Nathan. Not going to think about him right now, she ordered herself. Tessa missing her Sunday night shift and now being late for her normal Tuesday morning shift didn’t sit right with Amelia.

“You worried about Tess?” Manuel asked, drying his hands on his white apron as he joined her by her door.

If this had happened a few weeks ago and she hadn’t been aware of so many young women going missing—some who’d worked here—she might have chalked it up to teenage irresponsibility. Now . . . “Yeah. I’m gonna make a few calls, see if I can get the cops to check out her house. Sylvia told me she was dating Jonas?”

Manuel nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t think dating is what the young people are calling it. I heard him tell one of the servers they were ‘talking’ and ‘hanging out.’ The boy was off yesterday, so I don’t know if he’s seen her.”

“Okay, thanks. I’m going to shut the door while I make the calls.” Amelia pulled out her cell and stepped into her office. She’d come in at the crack of dawn because she hadn’t been able to sleep. Instead she’d replayed the conversation with Nathan in her mind over and over, obsessing over it and making herself sick. She wanted him to call and wasn’t sure if she should make the first move. He’d left last night, clearly wanting space from her. She wanted to give it to him, but still, she needed to hear his voice.