You Were Mine (Rosemary Beach #9)(20)

I was tired of pretending it hadn’t happened. “A long time ago. Before he left Rosemary Beach the first time,” I admitted in a whisper.

Della let out a sigh, and I looked over at her to see relief on her face. She had known. He’d told her. But she hadn’t said anything. Not even to Blaire.

“Thought so. That’s the only thing that made sense,” Blaire said, studying someone across the fire. I didn’t have to look to know she was watching Tripp. “Was it serious?”

“Yes,” I replied. I couldn’t tell her more. I couldn’t tell either of them more. It was a secret that hurt too much to share. It was my biggest mistake. I would never forgive myself. Every time I held Nate and Lila Kate, I knew I would never be worthy of having kids. I couldn’t forgive myself. How could I expect anyone else to?

“But it was a long time ago. Why are you so mad at him?” Blaire asked.

Because he made me question my love for Jace. Because he reminded me that I had something big once. Something huge. He reminded me that what I felt for Jace wasn’t as big. And I hated myself for that. I hated him for it. “I can’t talk about it. Please, just drop it,” I said, unable to look at her.

I didn’t wait for a response. I forced a smile at Della, then turned and headed away from the group. I wanted the darkness for a moment. To be alone. To pull myself together so I could go back and pretend I was OK.

I heard footsteps behind me and walked faster. Blaire wasn’t one to back down. She’d be worried about me now. I just wished for once she’d back off. Let me deal with this alone.

“No, Blaire. I got this,” Tripp’s voice said, stopping me in place.

No one spoke. I wasn’t sure if I should run and cause a scene or deal with this. Facing Blaire was easier than facing Tripp.

“Don’t push her,” Tripp said in a stern tone.

Blaire let out a frustrated sigh. “She needs to talk to someone.”

“And it doesn’t have to be you. She will when she’s ready. Leave her alone.” Tripp’s tone with Blaire surprised me. I turned around to look at Blaire, who was locked in a staring contest with Tripp.

“Fine. But I’m not sure she wants you, either,” Blaire said.

“She doesn’t. But I’m not pushing her to talk.” Tripp took a step to place himself between Blaire and me. I didn’t need protection from my best friend, but the wall I’d built suffered a small crack with that one move.

Blaire nodded and walked back to the party.

When she was out of sight, Tripp turned around, and our gazes locked. “You OK?” he asked.

I tried to nod, but I only managed a shrug.

“That’s not convincing, Bethy.”

I had been lying to everyone for so long I was out of lies. I was tired of it. No, I wasn’t OK. I was a horrible person. I had to live with that. I had to live with the pain and destruction I had caused. I would never be OK. “Thanks for . . .” I waved my hand toward where Blaire stood. “That,” I finished.

He nodded. Then he turned and walked away. He wasn’t going to stay and make me talk. Another small crack in my wall. This wasn’t good. I needed my wall now more than ever.

Tripp

Bethy came back to the luau fifteen minutes later with a smile that didn’t match her eyes, but no one seemed to notice but me. She danced with Thad and then a bit with Blaire. She held Lila Kate for a while. Seeing her talk to the baby and cuddle her in her arms hurt. I couldn’t look away, even though the pain of what we had lost was breathtaking. I didn’t blame Bethy. She’d been young and scared. Her father was never happy with her and was rarely around. She hadn’t been ready to be a mother then. And I hadn’t been there to stand beside her.

But I did blame me. Forgiving others was easy—it was forgiving myself that was proving impossible.

One of the servers who kept coming back to flirt with me appeared at my arm again. “I get off in five minutes¸” she said close to my ear. The girl was younger than me by a couple of years. Her long blond hair stood out against her island tan. There was no question that she was attractive. Thad had been watching her all night. But she’d kept coming over to me.

“I’m sure you’re tired,” I replied evenly, not taking my eyes off Bethy. She was handing Lila Kate back to her daddy. Grant didn’t let that kid out of his arms often.

“I’m actually ready for some fun. A late-night swim, maybe, if I had some company,” she said as she ran her hand up my arm. She was tracing one of my tattoos. It was the first ink I got, and women seemed to love it best. What they didn’t realize was that inside the tribal print that covered most of my left arm were roman numerals marking the date most important to me.

“Do you see the date hidden in the print?” I asked the girl, not looking at her. I wanted to see if Bethy was leaving.

“Hmmm . . . here?” she asked, tracing the numerals.

“Yeah,” I said as Bethy laughed at something Thad was saying to her. It was forced. She didn’t feel it. I knew the sound of her real laugh.

“Six, twenty-eight, two thousand and eight,” she said as her finger traced the last number. “What does it represent? Can’t be your birthday,” she said teasingly.

“It was the night I gave my heart to that woman over there,” I said simply.