When You're Ready (Ready #1)(74)

It was the middle of the afternoon and I was lying in bed. Again. At least I was dressed and showered. I guess that counted for something.

I pulled the sheet closer, tucking my knees to my chin, and wrapped my arms around them like a child.

Logan probably thought I had abandoned him by now. He told me to take time, but how much time did he think I would need. A normal person, a good person, would have just turned the car around and came back to declare their undying love. But, here I was, a week later, curled up in the fetal position, waiting for what?

Shouldn’t I be ready by now?

Ready...

Clare, you’re such an idiot.

Heart racing, I reached for the night stand and grabbed the letter that had been its sole occupant for the past three years. Racing downstairs, I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door to the one place I knew I had to be. The only place I could be when I read this letter. With Ethan.

I pulled up to the old cemetery and walked the path I’d traveled so many times before, listening to the soft rustle and moan of the trees as they moved. Eventually, I made it to my destination, looking at the place we had laid Ethan to rest three years earlier when I thought my life was ruined and could never be whole again. And here I was again, feeling like my walls were crashing down around me. I needed him, so I knelt down and began to speak.

“Hey baby, it’s me. I brought your letter,” I said, holding it up and waving it like he was there to see it. “I don’t know what to do, Ethan. I don’t know how to take that leap of faith I so desperately need to take right now. Please help me,” I pleaded right before turning the worn envelope over and breaking the seal. With shaky fingers, I unfolded the letter I had waited three years for, and read.

Clare,

I’ve started this letter half a dozen times, and they’ve all ended up in the trash, and now I don’t have much time. You’ve taken Maddie out for her first ice cream cone, and I stayed behind, saying I’d catch the next one. We haven’t discussed it yet, but as I feel my body growing weaker, I know there isn’t going to be a next one for me. This is it, and I’m so sorry Clare. I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m so sorry I won’t be there for you and Maddie.

I have so many things I want to say to you, so many words that I could write. But how do you fit a lifetime into a letter? How do you tell your wife everything you feel when there aren’t enough words to describe them? I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you standing in that disgusting bar, trying to fend off that drunken ogre. You’ve always been my number one, and my reason for living.

I thought we’d have a lifetime together. I thought I’d have decades to tell you and teach you all the ways in which I love you. I thought we would grow old together, watching our children conquer the world. But I don’t have years, or months, and I hate the thought of leaving you alone.

I know you will survive without me because you’re a fighter. You’re strong and brave and willing to give up everything for the ones you love. I’ve seen it firsthand. You will be the best parent to Maddie a child could ever possible have. Don’t doubt yourself. And please, make sure she knows about her old man. At least the good stuff.

You are my soul mate Clare, and the love of my life. Thank you so much for giving me your heart and your soul. It was the greatest gift a man could receive. But, now I have to give it back. My life is ending, but yours carries on. You can’t go through life without love, and you have too much of it to give. If love finds you again, don’t fight it. Don’t let grief hold you back. Love is a risk, there are no guarantees. But, in the end, it is always, always worth it.

The love of your life is still waiting Clare, go find him.

Yours always for eternity,

Ethan

The tears slid down my face as I read it, knowing Ethan had poured his soul into this letter. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Even now, he was still taking care of me.

I slowly rose, taking one last look at the marker where our shells still rested at the top. I counted them, making sure they were all still there and got to…eleven? I counted again and reached the same number.

Taking a step forward, I picked up the foreign shell, flipping back and forth in my hand, until it dawned on me where I had seen it before. Logan’s house. On his mantel.

Placing the shell back on the headstone, I said, “Thank you, Ethan,” and quietly turned, walking to the parking lot. As soon as I got into car, I began punching in numbers on my cell phone, waiting for an answer.

“Hello?” a gruff voice answered.

“Colin, I need to find Logan. Now,” I said as I sped out of the cemetery.

~Logan~

You would think I would be used to these types of rooms, stark white walls, and the pungent smell of cleaner. But being on the receiving end, the side that wasn’t in control? It made my skin crawl. Give me the lab coat and scrubs any day.

Unable to sit on that paper-covered exam bed, I paced the exam room like a lion, waiting for the oncologist to come in. He was someone I knew, which would either make it better, or really awkward.

So, Dr. Matthews, heard you have cancer? That’s a total bummer.

Yeah, I was going for awkward.

The nurse who had brought me in here and took my vitals had given me the “I’m sorry you might die look”. She must be new. I thought they would have trained that right out of them in a place like this, and instead replaced it with something more nurturing like “We’re here if you need us.”