When You're Ready (Ready #1)(10)
Wow. Subtle, Leah.
"And as I told you earlier, I have no idea why you are telling me this."
"Clare, sweetie. It's been over three years. I'm not saying go find a new husband. But at least think about the possibility of getting back out there and having a little fun,” she said gently.
"Fun? I have fun," I fired back defensively.
"I mean the adult version of fun. The horizontal kind you do with the opposite sex."
Oh. Right. I'd forgotten about that kind of fun.
"I just don't know if I'm ready, Leah," I huffed into the phone.
"Sweetie, you'll never know if you don't try. What better person to test drive than a super sexy doctor?" Leah cajoled.
"Maybe you should take your own advice? When was the last time you went out on a date?” I asked, knowing full well the answer. It had been months.
Leah had been in a long term relationship with a guy named Daniel. They were getting pretty serious and everyone expected him to propose. Then Ethan got sick and she did what any best friend would do. She dropped everything and helped me run my life for the next year. She was there for me every step of the way. When I needed a babysitter while we went to doctor’s appointments, chemo treatments and counseling sessions, she was there. She picked up groceries, paid bills, and held me when I cried. She was my rock. But unfortunately, Daniel was not as understanding. He left, saying she cared more about me than him. It devastated her, and I've felt guilty ever since. She's told me over and over that it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I agree, but the guilt remains. Ever since Daniel, her dating life has been minimal.
"We're not talking about me," she answered, changing the subject.
“We're talking about you and hot doctors. I could get his number for you. You could call and say you had a question about Maddie. No, wait! You could ask for a house call!"
“Oh my God. You’re insane. And no. You are not breaking into hospital records to get a phone number for me,” I said. I took a deep breath, knowing full well she was not going to give up.
"I need some time. Give me a few days. Maybe we can go bar hopping or something, but I don’t need to be set up with a billionaire doctor to get my mojo going again.”
"All right, but I expect you to get some phone numbers when we go barhopping. No hiding in the corner booth. I still think hot doctor is the way to go. It would definitely be my pick. Yum,” she said, in a dreamy voice.
I allowed myself one last fleeting memory of the moment I’d shared with the doctor today. Had I shared a moment with him, or was it just an indication that I needed to move on. Could I?
"It's time, Clare," Leah said, just as the one hour alarm went off saving me from further discussion on my love life, or lack thereof.
“I’ve got to go wake up our sleeping beauty.”
“Better you than me. That girl is a bear when she’s sleepy,” she joked.
“No kidding. Just like her godmother.”
After waking a very sleepy and unhappy Maddie and returning her back to bed, I readied myself for sleep. I finally eased into bed after a day that seemed like it would never end. Running my hands over the soft sheets, I tried to remember what it was like to have Ethan here beside me. It seemed like a lifetime ago that he and I were here together in this place, and yet I can still remember the exact color of his eyes, and the way he smelled after a shower when I lay in his arms. My eyes traveled over the room we’d decorated so long ago. We spent forever picking out the exact shade of gray, and the perfect furniture. The first year of our marriage was spent making this house our home. And now it was just me, raising our daughter, alone.
I can’t help but think what today would have been like with him by my side. What it would have felt like to have someone there, holding my hand? Holding Maddie’s hand, and assuring us everything would be fine.
My fingers reached toward the nightstand drawer next to the bed, pulling out the envelope I’d held so many times before. Still sealed, with worn edges from constantly being held, I brought it to my nose, hoping there would still be a faint whiff of his cologne, but knowing full well there wasn’t.
On the front of the envelope, it simply says "When you're ready" in Ethan's messy handwriting. I always gave him shit for it, asking him how he could read the scribble he produced. He would laugh and admit that he couldn't. I smiled, remembering all the years of sweet memories we shared.
I found the letter weeks after he died, when I was looking through one of his drawers. Knowing him, he'd probably hid it somewhere out of the way on purpose, knowing I’d need some time. Those first weeks of grief were...well, there were no words. When someone close to you dies, it feels like they take a piece of your very soul with them. There were days when all I could do was muster up the energy to breathe. I would have done anything and everything to have a small piece of him back. When I finally found the letter, digging through his drawers, looking for something I don’t even remember anymore, I looked at the words he’d scribbled down on the envelope and froze. Part of me wanted to rip the envelope open that second, but those three words kept me from doing so. For nearly three years that envelope had sat in my nightstand. On the nights when missing him would get too much to bear, I’d pull it out and run my fingers over the words Ethan had written, and feel like he was here with me. But to this day, I still couldn’t break the seal.