What He Left Behind(72)

He doesn’t answer right away, but finally says, “Come on. Let’s go sit.” He leads me into the living room. Rosie is on the couch, so Ian moves her to the back of one of the armchairs. We sit down, a full cushion dividing us. There’s still a lot of space between us, much more than I’m comfortable with, but Ian takes my hand. At least that’s something—at this point, I’ll take it.

Ian takes a deep breath. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since last night.” He watches his thumb running back and forth along the backs of my knuckles. “And maybe this whole thing with Michael… Maybe we went about it the wrong way.”

The wrong…huh?

I cock my head. “What do you mean?”

He wets his lips and lifts his gaze. “Maybe what we’ve been doing with him shouldn’t be just sex. And maybe it shouldn’t be…temporary.”

I blink, not sure I heard him right. “What?”

“Maybe you need him.” He swallows. “Maybe we both do.”

Okay, I definitely heard him right that time, but… What? “I don’t understand.”

Ian takes a deep breath. “The thing is, Michael’s been a part of your life forever, and he’s been a part of ours ever since we met. He’s never tried to intrude. Hell, he kept us together when we f*cked up.”

“Yeah, true.”

“He’s never been a third wheel. More like…more like the third corner. And when we started getting physically involved with him, it was…” He’s quiet for a moment, eyes unfocused. “The thing is, look how fast he was willing to let me join the picture, even with all that trauma still hanging over him. And I cared from the start about him getting past all his flashbacks and panics, but when I was really involved in it…” He grimaces.

“It hurts. To watch someone you care that much about going through that.”

“Yeah, it does.” His voice wavers, and he clears his throat. “Maybe that should’ve told me something. And I guess I can’t help wondering if this—the feelings and wanting more—was inevitable.”

My heart speeds up and my stomach flips. “Inevitable? What do you mean?”

“For the three of us to get to this point. Where it’s not just two husbands and a friend. Where we’re…three guys together.”

“Like, three guys in one relationship?”

Ian nods.

I stare at him but then put up a hand and shake my head. “Look, I know marriage is all about compromise, but I can’t ask you to—”

“You’re not. And this isn’t compromise.” His lips twist a little, as if he’s searching for the right words. “Quite frankly, I was pissed last night when you told me how you felt about him.”

I flinch, but he’s not done yet.

“And I spent a lot of time thinking about it. All night, and throughout today, right up until you got home. And the thing is, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I have feelings for him too.”

“You do?”

Ian nods. “I guess what drove it home was when I caught myself freaking out that you might leave me for him, and it hurt to think about losing him too.” He slides a little closer. “Josh, I don’t want to lose either of you. I thought last night was the come-to-Jesus moment for you, where you needed to think about whether you want to be with me or with Michael. But I think it was that moment for all of us to realize there’s an option we hadn’t considered before.”

Speechless. Completely f*cking speechless.

Ian laces our fingers together on the cushion between us. “I don’t think I could ever feel for him or anybody else what I feel for you. And I know there’s something between the two of you that can’t exist anywhere except there.” He shifts his weight. “But maybe it doesn’t have to be a hundred percent equal on all sides. Maybe the way it is…works.”

“But…” I shake myself, certain this is all some sort of sleep-deprived hallucination. “How the f*ck would something like that even work?”

Ian shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess if any of us knew that, maybe we’d have done this a long time ago. Up until we started…” He pauses, cheeks coloring a little. “Until this, uh, arrangement with Michael, I thought it was either monogamy or the casual f*cking around we did when we were younger.” He waves his hand. “Maybe there’s a sweet spot somewhere in between that we didn’t think about before.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Part of me is still bracing for the worst case scenario, which makes it almost impossible to believe the solution Ian’s suggesting. “Are you…”

He squeezes my hand. “Yes, I’m serious.”

I slide closer and wrap my arms around him. “God, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He kisses my cheek and holds me tighter. “And I want all three of us to be happy, even if it means doing things that are a bit unusual.”

“I don’t know if Michael will go for that.”

Ian strokes my hair. “It’s worth a shot.”

I sit up and meet his gaze. “But…your job. The school district barely puts up with the fact that you’re gay.”

Ian chuckles, and he shrugs. “Well, what they don’t know won’t hurt me.” Turning serious, he cups my face and kisses me again. “We can be discreet. It’s really none of anyone else’s business.”