What He Left Behind(37)

And now that’s spilling over into my sex life with Ian. Just like Michael knows damn well I’d never do anything Steve did, I know Ian won’t pull away like Michael sometimes does, but the kneejerk reaction is there. The irrational certainty is, in the heat of the moment, more convincing than it has any right to be.

Christ. No wonder I couldn’t sleep last night.

What the hell am I supposed to do about this, though? I can’t tell Michael he’s on his own. I can’t let this affect Ian either.

Shit.

Well, there isn’t much I can do about it here, and getting fired won’t do me any good, so I top off my coffee again and head back to my desk.

There, I text Michael and bow out of getting together tonight. I’ll see him tomorrow night, but I need tonight to gather my thoughts.

And do some damage control on my marriage.

Thanks to mainlining coffee all day, I make it to six o’clock, and I get the hell out of there. Tomorrow, I will be more productive. I’ll even come in an hour early and get some shit done.

Tonight, though, I’m done.

Ian’s already home, of course. As soon as I walk into the house, the dog greets me as she always does, and I find Ian in the living room. He’s kicked back on the couch, glasses on the table and Rosie curled up on his chest. As I’m coming into the room with the bouncing, woofing dog, they’re both waking up—he’s blinking and rubbing his eyes, and she’s stretching her paws and digging her claws into his chest.

“Hey.” He gingerly unsticks her claws. “Guess I fell asleep.”

I laugh. “She has that effect on you.”

“Yeah, she does.” He ruffles her fur and kisses the top of her head. “Up, sweetie. I want to say hi to Daddy.”

She glares at him, so he picks her up and puts her on the back of the couch. All of that would’ve earned me a few bleeding scratches, but she just gives him the look of death, then jumps down and saunters out of the room.

Ian stretches. Then he slides his glasses back on. “How was your day?”

“Not as tiring as yours, apparently.”

He laughs. “Yeah, because you didn’t have to chaperone a field trip.”

Grimacing, I shake my head. “You know, sometimes I wonder why I let myself be a corporate drone. And then you remind me.”

“You’re welcome,” he mutters. He pushes himself to his feet, comes around the coffee table, and gives me a quick kiss. “You do look tired, though. You okay?”

“Yeah.” I wave my hand. “Long day.”

He eyes me skeptically but lets it go and gestures toward the kitchen. “Guess we should figure out something to eat. I totally forgot to start anything.”

“We could always go out.” As soon as I suggest it, I wish I hadn’t. I’m too f*cking exhausted to think about getting back in the car and going out to where people are. “Or maybe order delivery.”

“Hmm. Let’s see what’s in the kitchen. It might be pizza night.”

“I’m fine with that.”

I follow him into the kitchen, and as he looks through the cabinets and the fridge, I pour myself a Coke. I sip it, but the taste barely registers. Big surprise, since not much has registered all day. Sleeping should be fun tonight. That’s usually the first thing to go when my mind’s trying to flail in too many different directions. Hooray. Especially since tomorrow is staff-meeting day, which means—

“Josh?”

I shake myself and turn to him. “Hmm?”

“I asked if you’re sure about pizza.”

“Yeah. Pizza.” I shrug. “Sounds good.”

He doesn’t reach for his phone, though. “Is everything okay? You seem kind of distracted.” His eyes narrow like he’s reading me, which he undoubtedly is. “And you seemed kind of preoccupied last night too.”

My stomach plummets.

Taking me gently by the hips, Ian looks me right in the eye. “What’s going on?” When I don’t answer, he asks, “It’s this thing with Michael, isn’t it?”

Bull’s-eye.

I exhale hard. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be bringing that home.”

“It’s kind of inevitable.” He tips my chin up. “Like it or not, there’s no way something like that isn’t going to affect you.”

“But it shouldn’t affect us. I shouldn’t be neglecting you.” I struggle to hold his gaze. “Do you realize we hadn’t f*cked in like a week before last night?”

Ian smiles, and then he kisses me softly. “If it’s helping to un-f*ck everything Steve did to Michael, then it’s worth it. I’ll be here when it’s over. How is everything going with him, anyway?”

“It’s…”

Distracting me from my husband.

Turning me into a goddamned basket case in the bedroom.

Making me second guess every time I want to touch you.

Ian touches my face. “Talk to me, Josh.”

I meet his eyes.

And there’s nothing to say. Nothing that can be conveyed in words.

So I kiss him.

Ian freezes. For a second, I’m scared to death he’s going to push me away and be the adult and tell me we need to talk first, and he’d be right, but…no. Not tonight. Talking can wait. I can’t.