Vicious Cycle (Vicious Cycle #1)(61)

“All right, missy. What’s doin’?” Kim questioned over the raucous noise of the poker game.

I shrugged. “Nothing. Why?”

“Don’t bullshit me. You look like someone pissed in your Cheerios.”

As I gazed into Kim’s deep green eyes, I could see the true concern for me shining in them. Glancing around the room, I shook my head. “Not here,” I whispered.

With a nod, she threw her arm around my shoulder and led me through the kitchen and outside. After doing a quick sweep of the area, I gladly found we were alone. For once, there wasn’t a prospect hanging around or one of the members straggling through the compound.

Leaning back against the brick wall, I sighed. “It’s Deacon.”

Her brows shot up. “Is he being an * again?”

“No. It’s not that at all. He’s completely the opposite of an *. He’s gone above and beyond the last few weeks.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

I wrapped my arms around my waist and squeezed, hoping I could contain my emotions. But the tears that stung my eyes betrayed me. Kim’s hand tenderly cupped my cheek. “What is it, honey?”

“Since my attack … he doesn’t look at me the same way. If he touches me, it’s always like a brother or a father. When I’ve tried to kiss him, he pulls away before it gets too heated. He never tries to be alone with me.” As tears streaked down my face, I shook my head. “Even though I wasn’t …” My eyes pinched shut, and I swallowed hard, unable to actually verbalize the word. “It’s like he thinks I’m damaged goods now.”

“Oh, baby. You’ve got it all wrong. Deacon still burns for you—that fire rages just as strong in his eyes now as it did before. He just doesn’t know how to be himself and then how to deal with what happened to you. He’s confused. I’m sure he wants to be all over you, but he thinks you need space. Shows an awful lot about him that he’s willing to put what he thinks are your needs before his own.”

“Oh, I think his needs are being met just fine,” I spat as I swiped the tears from my cheeks.

Kim’s brows lined in confusion. “Huh?”

“I think he’s f*cking Cheyenne.” There. I’d said it. Knowing Kim, she would either deny it or confirm it. When it finally came down to it, I wasn’t sure I really wanted to hear the truth.

“Now, I know that ain’t happening.”

Jerking my chin up, I countered, “And just how can you be so sure?”

“Because I know Deacon.”

“Yeah, well, I know him, too. He’s always coming to bed late, after he thinks I’m asleep, and she’s hanging out here later and later.” Tears burned my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’m losing him.”

Pulling me into her arms, Kim patted my back, soothing my frayed nerves. “I think I have an idea.” She eased back to stare into my eyes. “You need to make Deacon see you as a sexual being again.”

“And how do I do that? Dress like a slutty skank like Cheyenne?” I countered.

A catlike grin curved on Kim’s lips. “While that might get his fires burning a little, you gotta make him explode. Nothing pisses off our clubmen more than when their brothers want a piece of their women and their women seem down with it.”

My brows furrowed in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Tell me. You know how to play poker?”

An hour, five books, and one beer later, Willow finally gave up the ghost and went to sleep with Walter snoring like a f*cking bear beside her. She could be such a stubborn little shit—something she had inherited from me. Gently, I eased off the bed. I didn’t dare do anything to wake her up, so I crept out of the bedroom on f*cking tippy-toes. When I got to the door, I threw a final glance over my shoulder. Warmth filled my chest at the sight of Willow sleeping so peacefully with Walter by her side and that ratty angel doll in her hand.

After easing out into the hallway as best I could in my boots, I cracked the door behind me. When I got to the living room, I found Mama Beth alone. Craning my neck, I swept my gaze into the kitchen. “Where’s Alex?”

“Still up at the clubhouse.”

My brows shot up in surprise. After her attack, she very rarely wanted me to be out of her sight. Normally, a chick being all clingy was a turnoff. But I welcomed it from Alex, mainly because of what she had been through because of me. For the first time I could remember, her attention made me feel needed by someone other than my brothers. It was a hell of an ego trip, feeling like someone’s protector. More than anything, I enjoyed spending time with her doing the simplest of things. Sometimes I wondered if I had lost my mind. I’d never needed or wanted to be close with a woman since Lacey, and even being in love with her wasn’t the norm for me. I knew if I mentioned my feelings to Mama Beth, she would chalk it up to me being in love with Alex, and I wasn’t ready to hear that from someone else.

I couldn’t imagine why she would want to stay up at the clubhouse when I wasn’t there. Even if she knew I was coming back, she much preferred her evenings in the quietness of Mama Beth’s instead of the rowdy clubhouse. “Be back in a bit,” I said as I started for the door.

“Okay, son.”

I hurried up the pathway, anxious to check on Alex as well as maybe get in a hand or two of poker. I needed something to get my mind off sex. I was barely getting through the longest time without any f*cking * in my entire adult life. Of course, it was my own damn stubbornness that led to it being me and my hand. Even after all she had been through, Alexandra constantly threw little hints at me that she was ready for us to go all the way. No matter how ready she seemed, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with her. For f*ck’s sake, she’d almost been raped, not to mention beaten and tortured. No matter if she was consenting, what kind of epic * would I be to screw her brains out when she was still healing physically and emotionally? Yeah, maybe the old me would have considered it, but the new me sure as hell wasn’t going to go there.