Then Came You (The Gamblers #1)(35)

“When the truth is…” Alex repeated, wanting her to finish. He wanted to know at least this one small part of the complexity. God, it would take at least a lifetime to understand her.

Lily gave a small, determined shake of her head. The forceful emotions seemed to drain away magically, by a self-will that Alex suddenly understood was an equal match for his own. She regarded him with an insolent smile. “Bugger off, my lord,” she said lightly, and left him there in the gallery strewn with scattered cards.

Something about that morning started a piercing ache in Lily’s head that wouldn’t go away. She spent the day in Totty and Penelope’s company, half-listening to their ladylike conversation. In the evening she excused herself from supper and nibbled on cold beef and bread from a tray in her room. After downing two glasses of red wine, she changed for bed and lay down to rest. The silk damask bedhangings draped down from a circle overhead, shrouding her in shadow. Restlessly she changed position, shifting to her stomach and curving her arms around the pillow beneath her. Loneliness filled her chest with a cold, heavy weight.

She wanted someone to talk to. She wanted to unburden herself. She needed Aunt Sally, the only one who had known about Nicole. With her salty wisdom and unorthodox sense of humor, Sally had been able to handle any predicament. She had assisted the midwife at Nicole’s birth and had taken care of Lily as tenderly as a mother.

“Sally, I want my baby,” Lily whispered. “If only you were here, you’d help me figure out what to do. The money’s all gone. I have no one. I’m becoming desperate. What am I going to do? What?”

She remembered going to Sally and confessing in a storm of misery and shame that she had taken a lover, and from that one night of illicit passion a child had been conceived. At the time she had thought that was the worst that could happen to her. Sally had comforted her with common sense. “Have you considered giving the babe away?” Sally had asked. “Paying someone else to rear it?”

“No, I wouldn’t do that,” Lily had replied tearfully. “The baby is innocent. He—or she—doesn’t deserve to pay for my sins.”

“Then if you plan to keep the child, we’ll live quietly together in Italy,” Sally’s eyes had been bright with anticipation. “We’ll be a family.”

“But I couldn’t ask that of you—”

“You didn’t. I offered. Look at me, Lily. I’m a rich old woman who can do as she pleases. I have enough money to suit our needs. We won’t give a fig for the rest of the world and its hypocrisy.”

To Lily’s sorrow, Sally had died soon after the baby was born. Lily had missed her, but she had found solace in her baby daughter. Nicole was the center of her world, filing every day with love and wonder. As long as she had Nicole, everything was all right.

Lily felt tears seep from her eyes, the pillow absorbing the hot moisture. The ache in her head spread to her throat as she began to cry silently. She had never broken down in front of anyone, not even Derek. Something about Derek wouldn’t allow her to be vulnerable. Derek had seen too much suffering in his lifetime. If he once might have been moved to sympathy by a woman’s tears, that ability had left him long ago. Miserably Lily wondered who was with Nicole. And who, if anyone, comforted her when she cried.

Alex stirred and groaned in his sleep, caught in the grip of a tormenting dream. Somehow he knew it wasn’t really happening, but he couldn’t wake up. He sank deeper into a world of mist and shadow and movement. Lily was there. Her mocking laugh echoed all around him. Her gleaming brown eyes stared into his. With a smile of wicked amusement, she held his gaze as she lowered her mouth to his shoulder and lightly bit at his skin. He snarled and tried to push her away, but suddenly her na**d body was entwined with his. His mind swam with the sensation of her silky limbs sliding over him. “Show me what you want, Alex,” she whispered with a knowing smile.

“Get away from me,” he said hoarsely, but she didn’t listen, only laughed softly, and then he grasped her head in his hands and pushed it down to where he wanted her mouth…there…

Alex awoke with a violent start, breathing in rough, unsteady gasps. He dragged his arm over his forehead. The roots of his hair were damp with sweat. His body was aching with arousal. Swearing in a guttural tone of frustration, he took a pillow, strangled and twisted it and threw it across the room. He wanted a woman. He’d never been so desperate. Trying to ignore his hammering pulse, Alex cast his mind back to when he’d last slept with a woman. Not since before his betrothal to Penelope. He felt he owed her his fidelity. He’d thought a few months of celibacy wouldn’t kill him. Idiot, he told himself savagely. Idiot.

He had to do something. He could go to Penelope’s room right now. She wouldn’t like it. She would protest and cry, but Alex knew he could bend her to his will. He could bully her into allowing him into her bed. After all, they would be married in a matter of weeks.

The idea made sense. At least, it did to a man who was dying of frustration. But the thought of making love to Penelope…

His mind recoiled from the notion.

It would bring him some measure of relief, of course.

No. That wasn’t what he wanted. She wasn’t what he wanted.

What the hell is wrong with you? Alex asked himself savagely, and leapt from his bed. He yanked the window hangings aside to allow the gleam of moonlight in the room. Striding to the washbasin set on a tripod stand, he poured some cool water and splashed it on his face. His thoughts had been muddled for days, ever since he’d met Lily. If only he could ease the fire inside him. If only he could think clearly.