The Saint (Highland Guard #5)(73)

He frowned. “Nonsense.”

But as he thought back on it, he realized he had noticed that she’d rarely interacted with the other young girls when they were at the Games. “What about Muriel?”

“Muriel’s different. We have things in common.”

“Don’t you have things in common with the others?”

“Some things.” She shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I want things that they don’t.”

“Like what?”

She thought about it a minute and said simply, “More.”

Helen could see from his expression that he didn’t understand, which wasn’t surprising, as she didn’t know how to put words to the “wayward” part of her that wanted to follow her heart, and to the vague sense of guilt and unease that came over her when she listened to the other ladies who were content to do what was expected of them.

“It’s nothing,” she said, suddenly embarrassed. “I’m just being silly.”

He took her arm and turned her to face him. “Nay. Tell me. I want to understand.”

That’s what had always made him so different: the willingness to try. “I want to live a life beyond a castle gate. I want to have what you have.”

“What’s that?”

“Freedom. Choice. The ability to travel beyond a gate without someone sending out a search party.”

He gave her a sharp look, but then smiled ruefully, seeming to understand what she meant. “We are all bound by convention, Helen. I have my duty to the king—and to my clan.”

“But you like what you do and must take satisfaction out of being good at it. You wouldn’t wish to be a scholar or a prelate rather than a warrior?”

“Good God, no!”

His expression made her laugh. “What if there was but one path before you? One road that you had to take? Sometimes when I listen to the other women talk, I start to feel this weight coming down on me, and I get so antsy I have to move, I have to do something.”

He studied her, perhaps seeing her more clearly than she did herself. “I should think being healer to a king is doing something.”

She smiled. “Making sure he eats his vegetables hardly qualifies. You and I both know I’m here as more of a precaution. I don’t know what I want, but it’s more than living behind a ten-foot-thick wall like this one.” One corner of her mouth lifted wryly. “And definitely more than a woman in my position should want.” She felt a prickle of shame for her selfishness. “I’ve a good lot in life; I should be content with it.”

“Is that why you refused me?” he asked quietly.

She startled, surprised not only that he’d raised the subject, but also that he’d made a connection she never had before. “Perhaps that was part of it,” she admitted. “Your mother … I worried that I could never be like that and didn’t want to disappoint you. I-I wasn’t sure I was ready.”

She felt his eyes on her. “Perhaps you will feel differently when you do marry and have children.”

It was what she was supposed to want. And she did. But …

What if it wasn’t enough?

She looked up at him sadly. “That is what my brothers said. But it didn’t turn out very well the first time. It was a mistake to marry a man I didn’t love.”

Their eyes held for a long heartbeat before he looked away. She would have given anything at that moment to know what he was thinking. But he’d shut her out, and she could feel him pulling away from her.

She regretted the mention of her marriage to William, but how could they move past the past if he refused to talk about it? If the ghost of his friend was still between them?

He pushed back from the wall. “We should get back. Your army will be looking for you soon.”

She made a face. That army was one of the reasons she felt like she was suffocating and needed air. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve finally seen the light?”

She gave him a sharp glance. “You are just as bad as they are. If you weren’t so busy hating each other, I think you and Kenneth could be friends. You have much in common.”

She was glad he wasn’t eating something, for he might have choked to death. She heard him mutter something about snow in Hades before he said, “So I assume it’s Munro you wish to avoid?” A dangerous glint appeared in his eyes. “Has he done something—”

“He wants to dance with me,” she said glumly.

He looked confused. “As much as I dislike the bast—” he stopped himself—“him, dancing is hardly a reason to avoid a man.”

“He doesn’t just want to dance. I suspect he’s going to ask me to marry him.” She paused. “It’s everything I could want, isn’t it?”

He stilled at her subtle taunt. But it was the tightness of his mouth and the barest hint of a flex beneath his jaw that made her pulse quicken.

“And it’s your response that you are hesitating over?” He was tense. Too tense for a man who didn’t care.

“Nay, I know my response. It’s his reaction that I’m not looking forward to.”

He didn’t bother to hide his relief. It was foolish to read so much into a sigh, but it was what he said next that made hope soar in her chest. “I know a way to distract him.”