The Saint (Highland Guard #5)(13)

Me. Oh, God. Had Magnus avoided other women because of me?

“Well, if there was,” Bruce said, “I guess there isn’t anymore.” He chuckled and, thankfully, changed the subject.

With William temporarily engaged by Lady Anna on his other side, Helen ventured one more look in Magnus’s direction. The woman was still on his lap, but to her relief they were no longer locked in a passionate embrace.

He was looking at her. His gaze shifted away, but for one moment their eyes caught. And in that instant of connection, in that hard stab of pain, she knew the full horror of this day.

A muscle twitched under his eye. Something she’d seen only once before. And in that one small betrayal, she knew: He still cares for me. He lied.

But it was too late.

Dear God, what have I done?

Lady Isabella—Bella—set the comb down on the small table beside the bed. “You look very beautiful.”

“Your hair is exquisite,” Anna added. “The way it catches in the candlelight. It looks like liquid fire shimmering down your back.”

Not even the rare compliment about her hair could rouse her. Magnus had loved it, too, she remembered.

“William will think himself the luckiest man alive,” Christina said with a broad smile.

Helen doubted it. She wanted to thank them, but feared if she opened her mouth, she would “baa” like a lamb to the slaughter. Instead she nodded with a smile that she hoped they interpreted as shy and not panicked.

The women had escorted her from the feast to the chamber she would share with William to prepare her for her bridal night. She’d changed from her gown into the fine linen chemise that had been richly embroidered for the occasion, and her hair had been released from the intricate crown of braids and combed until it was smooth and glossy.

She saw Bella exchange a look with Christina, who nodded. A moment later, Bella sat down beside her on the edge of the bed. “Your mother passed when you were a child, did she not?”

Helen’s brows drew across her nose. “Aye, not long after my first saint’s day. She died after giving birth to a stillborn babe.” She hated that she had no memories of her. Her father had said they were much alike. She felt a wave of sadness. Even after two years, the sadness of her father’s death still felt fresh. She missed him so much. Although he’d recovered from the lung ailment he’d been suffering from at the time Magnus had asked her to marry him, even with her help and Muriel’s considerable skill, they hadn’t been able to save him when it recurred six months later. “Why?”

Bella bit her lip. “How much do you know about what is to happen tonight?”

Helen blanched.

“There is nothing to be scared about,” Anna quickly assured her. “Congress with one’s husband can be quite …” She blushed adorably. “Nice.”

Christina gave her a bawdy grin. “It can also be quite wicked.”

Bella shot her a look that said she wasn’t helping. “What we mean is that it’s natural to be nervous. If you have any questions—”

“Nay,” Helen cut her off, unable to take any more of this. She didn’t want to think about what was to come. She wasn’t nervous because she didn’t know what was going to happen, she was nervous because she did. If there was a moment she’d dreaded more than the wedding, it was the bedding. And now she had even more cause for dread. William had barely spoken to her after discovering her secret. She knew he was angry but didn’t know how he would react. Would he confront her or pretend it hadn’t happened? “I know what happens between a man and a woman.”

Another unmaidenly curiosity that Muriel had finally been the one to alleviate a number of years ago.

Bella nodded. “Sometimes there is pain the first time.”

“It’s like a sharp pinch,” Christina added.

“But it goes away quickly,” Anna assured her.

Helen knew they were trying to be helpful, but the discussion was only increasing her anxiety. Bella seemed to understand. She stood up. “We will leave you, then.”

“Thank you,” Helen managed. “Thank you all. You have been very …” her voice choked a little, “… kind.”

In other circumstances—in the right circumstances—she would have laughed and smiled along with them, while peppering them with questions they probably wouldn’t want to answer. But these weren’t the right circumstances.

A few minutes later she was alone. Though it was the last place that she wanted to be, she scooted back and slid under the bed linens. It was common for the groom’s friends to accompany him to the bedchamber, and Helen didn’t want to be sitting in her embarrassingly thin chemise if they did.

Her fingers were like ice as she gripped the sheets to her chin and stared at the door as if at any moment the bogeyman were going to come bursting through.

Baaa.

Helen knew she was being ridiculous, but she couldn’t quiet the frantic flutter of her heartbeat or the panic surging through her veins. How was she going to do this? How was she going to quietly submit to her wifely duty when in her heart she belonged to another man?

Magnus cared for her. She still couldn’t believe it. But the small twitch had betrayed him. She’d seen it only once before. It was the first time they’d met. The memory was as fresh as if it were yesterday.