The Recruit (Highland Guard #6)(109)

A second wave of understanding hit, this one even harder than the first—if that were possible. “And now you are,” she said numbly. “I see. Was that why you went to such an effort to seduce me? So that I would follow you willingly like one of your starry-eyed admirers when the time came?”

Had he ever loved her?

Thin white lines appeared around his mouth. “I will not deny that I wanted you to come with me, and I thought it would be easier if you cared for me, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you. I love you, Mary. I’ve never said those words to another woman in my life. Hell, I never even thought it possible for me to feel this way about a woman.”

Bile rose to the back of her throat. God, it was true. He had set out to make her fall in love with him. She’d thought it was a game, but it was an even bigger one than she imagined. The stakes weren’t just her heart, but her life and the lives of her children. Her heart curled like a piece of burning parchment.

How could he have made love to her all those times, knowing what he was going to do?

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” she said hoarsely, her voice raw with emotion. “ ‘I betrayed you. I lied to you. I used you. But I love you, so it’s all right?’ ”

A muscle in his jaw pulsed. “I deserve your anger but not your scorn. What choice did I have?”

“You could have told me the truth.”

“And what would you have done with that knowledge? Could I be sure you wouldn’t run to Sir Adam or someone else and tell them the truth? You made your opinion of me quite clear many times. People are counting on me; I couldn’t take the chance.”

She turned away. “Then you should have left me alone.”

“I couldn’t do that. I wanted you. And you were pregnant with my child.”

“And what about my other child? Where does Davey fit in all this? I assume it would be quite a coup for you to bring the Earl of Atholl back into the Scottish fold.”

He stiffened, not flinching from the truth. “Once I get you to safety, I will follow with David.”

Terror struck her heart. She shook her head frantically. “No. It’s too dangerous. They are watching him too closely. They will not let you slip out of Berwick Castle with the Earl of Atholl.”

“I have a plan. Trust me.”

She had, and look where that had gotten her. Was she doomed to have her life destroyed by thoughtless husbands reaching for glory? He’d thrust her right back into a nightmare and never considered her at all. She’d put her fate in a man’s hands again and he’d betrayed her.

She squared her shoulders. “You ask for too much. Davey won’t go, and neither will I.”

His mouth drew even tighter, and Mary knew he was fighting to keep a rein on his temper. “Your son is a Scottish earl, Mary. He belongs in Scotland. Yet sounds as bloody English as Edward.”

She prickled, perhaps because she knew there was more than a grain of truth in what he said. Had she not thought the same thing many times? But it didn’t matter. She would rather have David in England alive than in prison or with his head hanging in the same place as his father’s. “It is for me to decide what is best for myself and my son, not you.”

His eyes flashed. “Wrong. You gave me that power when you married me. I vowed to protect you, and I will. You will just have to trust me.”

“And if I refuse to go, what then, Kenneth? Will you take me against my will? Abduct your own wife?”

His mouth fell in a hard line. “I will do what I have to to keep you safe. Don’t you see? There is no other way. When the truth is discovered I will be a hunted man, and you will be the wife of a traitor.”

“A position I’ve been in before, if you’ll recall. I weathered one traitor well enough, why should I not weather another?”

His gaze burned into hers. “You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I?” It was the same nightmare all over again. How could he do this to her? How could he have put her—them—in this position? She couldn’t go through it again, she couldn’t.

“You love me. When your anger cools you will see that this is for the best.”

She wanted to hurt him, as he’d hurt her. “Are you so sure of that? I’ve survived a broken heart before; what makes you think I can’t do it again?”

His eyes flashed. He grabbed her arm and pulled her close to him. “This is different, and you know it. This isn’t some girlish fantasy; this is real.”

She sagged against him, not bothering to struggle. If he wanted a fight, he wasn’t going to get it from her. “Is that right? Nothing feels very real to me right now. It all feels like a lie.”

He released her, dragging his hand through his hair, clearly trying to cool his temper. “Let’s go downstairs. We can talk about this—”

“Do you honestly think I intend to share a bed with you? I can’t bear to look at you right now.” She gave him a hard look. “I want you to leave.”

“Mary …”

He reached for her, but she shrugged away. The tears at last caught up with her, choking her voice. “God, can you not even give me this? Or do you intend to throw me over your shoulder and carry me out of here right now?”

If she weren’t so angry, the turmoil of the emotions crossing his face might have softened her heart. “The day after tomorrow,” he said. “As soon as Sir Adam leaves.”