The Program (The Program #1)(91)

ON A ROMANTIC STORMY NIGHT? I’M SURE THAT DIDN’T GIVE HIM THE WRONG IDEA.

I groan. THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T CARE? First he pushes me away, and then has the nerve to—

I DON’T. NIGHT.

It’s like the bottom drops out, leaving me sick to my stomach. But I know what it is now—the emotion. Should I tell James about our past? Does he even deserve to know that we’d had a relationship?

I glance at the clock. It’s late, and I decide to shut off my phone, blocking James out of my life. I have to stay away from him. He’s toxic to me. And I don’t want to go back to The Program. I could never get through it again. So I pull back out onto the wet streets and find my way home, sneaking in without my parents ever hearing a thing.

• • •

I’m exhausted as I pull into Sumpter’s parking lot before school. There was no handler waiting on my porch when I left, so my mother let me borrow her car. I thanked her, even though it took all my restraint to not call her out on her lies about my brother. Either way, I assume I’m free from monitoring now—although I’ve gotten no confirmation from Realm or The Program.

When I get out, James is standing next to his father’s car, texting on his phone. Mine vibrates in my pocket, but I don’t even look at it. When I turned it on this morning, I had five missed messages. But even now, I don’t read them and just go inside the school.

In the past day have you felt lonely or overwhelmed?

NO. I scan the rest of the questions as I sit in first period and realize that I’m going to have to lie on this entire questionnaire. Filling in the rest, I stop at the last question, taking a breath.

Has anyone close to you ever committed suicide?

Yes. My brother—maybe others, too. But what do I fill in? The Program doesn’t think I know. They think they’ve stolen the memories away. I nearly break off the tip of my pencil filling in NO.

• • •

“Are you ignoring me?” James whispers as he walks past my desk in math class. He doesn’t wait for me to respond as he goes to sit in his seat, but his tone is clear. He’s annoyed. Well, he can go to hell because I’m not taking the bait this time.

I stare down at my desk, pretending he didn’t ask, and open my notebook. The class drags on, and I hear someone clear their throat repeatedly from the back. At one point, I sigh heavily and turn around to see James staring at me. I roll my eyes and go back to my math problems.

My phone buzzes, and I think that I shouldn’t look. That I shouldn’t give in to his tantrums. Discreetly, while the teacher is reading aloud from the textbook about a formula I can’t quite remember, I check my phone.

YOU LOOK NICE TODAY. OH, AND I’M AN ASSHOLE. SORRY.

I press my lips together, trying not to smile. I will not let him make me smile.

NOT ACCEPTED. Way to take the high road, Sloane.

DID YOUR TONGUE SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR FRIEND AGAIN LAST NIGHT? I BET HE LIKED THAT.

YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T CARE. GET OVER IT.

MAYBE I’M CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR REPUTATION.

I stifle a laugh. REALLY?

NO. I’M JEALOUS.

I glance over my shoulder at him again, and meet James’s blue eyes. He shrugs, looking a bit pathetic. Like maybe he is actually sorry. I turn back around and put my phone in my pocket, trying to think things over. I know I don’t want to be with Realm, not like that. But honestly, James is a little much for me to handle, especially when he seems to like and then dislike me on a daily basis.

God, if I just had my memories, I’d understand everything so much more. I’d know what happened to my brother, to me and James. I’d know who my friends are. I’d know what happened with my parents. There’s so much that is just out of my reach, but if I could only—

The bell rings, startling me. I get up slowly, trying to decide my next move. Just then I see James walk by, a small smile on his lips as he passes. “See you around, Sloane,” he says, too quietly for anyone else to hear.

And I know from the way my body reacts that Realm was right. I loved James. But maybe we’re better off this way.

At the end of the day I wander around the halls for a bit, examining everyone as I pass them, trying to discern if I had possibly known them. I’m still getting headaches, but nothing like the one I had last night. I wonder if my brain has nearly finished repairing itself.

“Took you long enough.”

I stop a few feet from my locker to see James standing there, looking bored in the now deserted hallway. “What are you doing?” I ask.

“I’m sneaking around with you. Let’s go.” He motions toward the back door.

“Um, no. You were pretty quick to dismiss my feelings last night. Something about not pretending that things were ever good . . .”

He smiles. “I say stupid things, Sloane. All the time. But maybe the thought of not talking to you again made me crazy. Maybe I couldn’t even sleep. And maybe I’m trying to make it up to you.”

“By possibly getting me in more trouble?”

“That’s the idea.”

And I can’t help it, I laugh. The devious spark in James’s eyes makes me think that trouble from The Program is exactly what he wants. Is that what I’d liked about him before? His defiance?

“If anyone sees us together, they’re going to call my mom. And then she’ll call The Program,” I say.