The Perfect Match (Blue Heron #2)(111)

He knew what Honor wanted. He just didn’t have it.

He’d failed with his mother, failed to win her attention and devotion, failed in somewhat the same way with Melissa, failed with Charlie after three long years of trying.

If he failed with Honor, what then?

This was not what he signed up for. Honor was supposed to be easy, a low-maintenance, pleasant companion. He wasn’t supposed to want to beat the living shit out of her ex-boyfriend, wasn’t supposed to lose control and take her against a rough wooden barrel, wasn’t supposed to feel like kissing her feet out of gratitude for letting him. He wasn’t supposed to have to worry that she might leave him for the wanker who rejected her, worry that she was settling for him, because of course she was settling for him. That was the whole f**king point.

Everything was wrong. It was just wrong. He didn’t love her. Not yet.

And even if he did, he’d been shown again and again that his love wasn’t quite enough.

What if she left him? What if she had his kid and left him, and instead of just Charlie, there’d be another child out there in the world that he loved and failed? What if Honor Grace Holland, who was everything her name implied, decided she wanted something different? He’d be ruined, even worse than he already was.

Two hours later, Tom was sitting in his classroom at Wickham. In his in-box was an email from Jacob Kearns, asking for a recommendation to the University of Chicago, where he was hoping to transfer for the fall semester.

The one good student Tom had. It probably didn’t matter. Tom would be back in England, anyway, now that his reason for staying was moving to Philadelphia.

The door opened. “Ah! Tom! Vat are you doing, sitting here all alone! I thought you vould be home with dee luffly Honor! She called for you, did you know?”

“Droog. How are you?” Tom dragged his eyes off his computer screen to the head of his department.

“I am well, thank you, Tom! I think I have met Dee One, as you say. She is so...beautiful.”

“That’s great, mate. I’m glad for you.”

“And I heff good news, Tom! Again and again, I petitioned dee board of dee college, and yes! You vill heff your vork visa after all!”

Ah, irony, always good for a brisk slap. A green card right at the exact moment when he no longer needed it.

* * *

HONOR WAS STILL awake when he got home, Ratty sprawled on her back on the cushion next to her.

“Hi,” she said, lurching to her feet. On the telly was an X-ray of a woman with a metal hook in her eye, so it must be World’s Best Impalements, one of those nasty shows she loved. He’d almost miss those. “Listen, Tom, I’d like to say something.”

“I’ve some news,” he said.

“Oh. Okay.”

He took the remote and turned off the show. “The college has renewed my work visa.”

“That’s great!” Then his words seemed to register, because her face changed. “Oh.”

“Right. Also, Charlie’s moving to Pennsylvania with his father.” The words, jammed in his chest for so long, came out in a surprisingly smooth rush. He looked at her dog. “So I don’t...require you to commit fraud any longer.” He paused, forcing himself to look back at her. “And I will always be tremendously grateful that you were willing to do so.”

Her face was pale. “Are you breaking up with me?” she whispered.

“Yes. I’m sorry.”

She swallowed, her throat working. “Tom, I— Look, I know what you said. That you don’t love me, and I believe you. But I think you could, maybe. And I already lo—”

“Don’t say it, darling.”

She paused and pressed her lips together. “But I do. I love you. You’re right, what you said before. We were getting married for other people and other reasons, but that’s not true, not anymore, not for me. I’d still marry you, Tom. I’d take good care of you.”

The words hit his dead heart and seemed to bounce right back off. “I’m sure you would, sweetheart,” he said as gently as he could. “I’m not sure the reverse is true of me, however.”

“I think it is,” she whispered. “I think I’d be lucky to be married to you.”

He went to her, and pressed a kiss on her forehead. “The fact is,” he said in a whisper, “I’m all used up inside, love.”

Two tears slid down her cheeks. “That’s not how I see you at all.”

“Which says more about you than it does about me, darling. I’m sorry.”

He was.

And after that, there was nothing left to say.





CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

HONOR WAS LIVING in the New House once again.

Oddly enough, her family had been stunned by the breakup. Even Mrs. J. and Goggy, who knew the truth, seemed stricken. Dad wanted to put off his own wedding, which Honor wouldn’t hear of. Faith and Pru had come over to console her, but Honor was oddly calm, saying only that things hadn’t quite worked out, and no, she didn’t have hopes for a reconciliation. Jack offered to beat Tom up (not that Jack could, but it was a sweet thought, anyway), then stayed to watch Emergency Amputations with her.

The house was quiet with Dad and Mrs. J. in the apartment, where they intended to stay, despite the fact that there was roughly ten times more room in the New House. For the first time ever, Honor was living alone, at the ripe old age of thirty-five. In college and grad school, she’d always had a roomie. But now she found the solitude comforting.