The Host (The Host #1)(165)

“We got by fine without her before.”

“Fine? Jamie would have died without her. She can get things for us that no one else can.”

“She’s a person, Jared, not a tool.”

“I know that. I didn’t say that —”

“’S up to Wanda, I’d say.” Jeb interrupted the argument just as I was about to. My hand was holding Ian down now, and I could feel Jared’s body shifting under my head as he prepared to get up. Jeb’s words froze them in place.

“You can’t leave it up to her, Jeb,” Ian protested.

“Why not? Seems like she’s got her own mind. ’S it your job to make decisions for her?”

“I’ll tell you why not,” Ian grumbled. “Wanda?”

“Yes, Ian?”

“Do you want to go out on raids?”

“If I can help, of course I should go.”

“That’s not what I asked, Wanda.”

I was quiet for a moment, trying to remember his question to see how I’d gotten it wrong.

“See, Jeb? She never takes into account her own wants—her own happiness, her own health, even. She’d do anything we asked her to, even if it got her killed. It’s not fair to ask her things the way we’d ask each other. We stop to think about ourselves. She doesn’t.”

It was quiet. No one answered Ian. The silence dragged on until I felt compelled to speak for myself.

“That’s not true,” I said. “I think about myself all the time. And I… I want to help. Doesn’t that count? It made me so happy to help Jamie tonight. Can’t I find happiness the way I want to?”

Ian sighed. “See what I mean?”

“Well, I can’t tell her she can’t go if she wants to,” Jeb said. “She’s not a prisoner anymore.”

“But we don’t have to ask.”

Jared was very quiet through all this. Jamie was quiet, too, but I was pretty sure he was asleep. I knew Jared wasn’t; his hand was tracing random patterns on the side of my face. Glowing, burning patterns.

“You don’t need to ask,” I said. “I volunteer. It really wasn’t… frightening. Not at all. The other souls are very kind. I’m not afraid of them. It was almost too easy.”

“Easy? Cutting your —”

I interrupted Ian quickly. “That was an emergency. I won’t have to do that again.” I paused for a second. “Right?” I checked.

Ian groaned. “If she goes, I’m going, too,” he said in a bleak tone. “Someone has to protect her from herself.”

“And I’ll be there to protect the rest of us from her,” Kyle said with a chuckle. Then he grunted and said, “Ow.”

I was too tired to lift my head to see who had hit Kyle now.

“And I’ll be there to bring you all back alive,” Jared murmured.

CHAPTER 47

Employed

This is too easy. It’s not really even fun anymore,” Kyle complained.

“You wanted to come,” Ian reminded him.

He and Ian were in the windowless back of the van, sorting through the nonperishable groceries and toiletries I’d just collected from the store. It was the middle of the day, and the sun was shining on Wichita. It was not as hot as the Arizona desert, but it was more humid. The air swarmed with tiny flying bugs.

Jared drove toward the highway out of town, carefully keeping below the speed limit. This continued to irritate him.

“Getting tired of shopping yet, Wanda?” Ian asked me.

“No. I don’t mind it.”

“You always say that. Isn’t there anything you mind?”

“I mind… being away from Jamie. And I mind being outside, a little bit. During the day especially. It’s like the opposite of claustrophobia. Everything is too open. Does that bother you, too?”

“Sometimes. We don’t go out during the day much.”

“At least she gets to stretch her legs,” Kyle muttered. “I don’t know why you want to hear her complain.”

“Because it’s so uncommon. Which makes it a nice change from listening to you complain.”

I tuned them out. Once Ian and Kyle got started, they usually went on for a while. I consulted the map.

“Oklahoma City next?” I asked Jared.

“And a few small towns on the way, if you’re up for it,” he answered, eyes on the road.

“I am.”

Jared rarely lost his focus when on a raid. He didn’t relax into relieved banter the way Ian and Kyle did every time I completed another mission successfully. It made me smile when they used that word—mission. That sounded so formidable. In reality, it was just a trip to the store. Just like I’d done a hundred times in San Diego when I was only feeding myself.

Like Kyle said, it was too easy to provide any excitement. I pushed my cart up and down the aisles. I smiled at the souls who smiled at me, and I filled my cart with things that would last. I usually grabbed a few things that wouldn’t, for the men hiding in the back of the van. Premade sandwiches from the deli—things like that for our meals. And maybe a treat or two. Ian had a fondness for mint chocolate chip ice cream. Kyle liked caramel sweets best. Jared ate anything he was offered; it seemed as if he’d given up favorites many years before, embracing a life where wants were unwelcome and even needs were carefully assessed before they were met. Another reason he was good at this life—he saw priorities uncontaminated by personal desire.