The Duchess War (Brothers Sinister #1)(57)

Oh, God. His version of marriage started with attorneys. If she’d needed proof of how far apart they stood, how different were the worlds in which they lived…

His hand rested on hers, and every muscle in her body came to a standstill—her lungs ceased to draw air; her mouth froze half-open. And her fingers—well, she didn’t dare move her fingers, not one inch. Only her heart continued to pound in her chest, one staccato beat after another.

“After that,” he said, “I get to take you to bed.”

That, at least, was the same. Despite herself, Minnie smiled.

He drew his thumb along the side of her hand in a caress. “What am I going to do with you, Minnie?” he asked idly.

She jerked her hand away, her heart stinging with some emotion she couldn’t identify. “Stop. Stop doing anything.”

He tilted his head toward her. His profile was crisp and perfect. The lamplight kissed the tip of his nose, and Minnie felt an irrational surge of jealousy—that the light could touch him so indiscriminately, and she could hardly withstand the pressure of his fingertips.

“Your Grace,” she said distinctly, “I must be more clear. I told you there was something in my past. Something I didn’t want to come to light.”

He didn’t stop toying with her hand. “I can guess what you’re about to say,” he said mildly. “And I really don’t give a fig about that.”

Minnie’s palms had begun to sweat. She was beginning to feel the first stirrings of nausea. It had been so long since she told anyone, so long since she’d said the words aloud.

“Until I was twelve years old—” She was beginning to tremble, and he sat up and looked at her with concern. There was nothing for it but to get it out quickly. “Until I was twelve years old,” she said in a rush, “my father dressed me in trousers and introduced me to everyone as a boy.”

He blinked, his eyes widening in surprise. “I was…definitely not going to guess that.”

“It came out, of course,” she said. “It came out badly.” She rubbed her hands together, trying to stop them from shaking. “All of London knew. It was in the papers. That mob I told you about? They were after me. Wanting to punish me for daring to pretend so much. For being so unnatural.”

“Huh.” He had a small frown on his face as he looked at her. His eyes traveled over her, as if seeing her again, this time as a thing that had not come out right. Maybe he had read about the scandal at the time. Maybe he was trying to recall details. Maybe he’d been part of the crowd, part of the group throwing rocks.

No. Not that. He hadn’t let go of her hand, and she couldn’t imagine him hurling stones at anyone, let alone a child.

“It was so bad that I had to give up my life entirely. I changed my name. I was born Minerva Lane. When I was…when I was pretending, my father called me Maximilian.”

“Huh,” he repeated. His jaw moved, but he didn’t speak.

“Say something,” she said. “Say anything at all. You didn’t know when you proposed marriage. I won’t fault you for walking away.” She looked up into his eyes. “Just say something.”

He searched her face for a moment, and then shrugged. “Did you like being a boy?”

“I—well.” It was not a question she’d ever been asked, and it startled her out of her fear. “It was all I really knew at first. The deception started when I was so young. I didn’t think anything of it.” She sighed. “I hated lying, though. All the pretenses to avoid removing clothing around others. I hated that a great deal. And when I was twelve, I started to fancy one of my friends. That was…deeply awkward.”

“I should say.” He blinked at her. “This explains a great deal about you.”

“I had to learn to be a girl again, afterward. How to walk. How to talk. So many little things to do wrong. It was just…easier to be small and quiet. I couldn’t make any mistakes that way.”

“It makes me think I should have a very long talk with you about the appropriate subjects for female education,” he said with a sudden smile. “After we’re married.”

“You’re not being serious. Your Grace, I’m a scandal waiting to happen.”

“Minnie, I want to abolish the peerage. I write radical pamphlets in secret. I am not going to shriek, ‘Oh, no! A scandal!’ and run away. I don’t mind scandal.”

Minnie looked him in the eyes. “But I do, Your Grace. I do.”

The door rattled once, then again. A few moments later, after some more extremely loud fumbling with the handle, Lydia opened the door. She came in carrying a pitcher of water.

“That,” Minnie said, “must be water fetched all the way from Bath. Did you walk there yourself or take the train?”

Lydia gave her a cheeky grin. “Well? Is everything settled?”

“My question exactly.” Robert raised an eyebrow.

And Minnie found she couldn’t answer. She wanted him. She liked him. If he’d been any other man, she’d have taken him. But marrying him would put her in front of not just a few people, but the entire country. And with him at her side, they would all be looking. She felt ill just thinking about it.

She looked away. “I need more time.”