Sweet Evil (The Sweet Trilogy #1)(53)

Kaidan’s face was bleak, and I batted away depressing emotions.

“It’s like the Neph are even less than humans in their eyes,” I said.

“Ever since the purge, they’ve taken measures to make certain the Neph don’t overpopulate again. The Duke of Pride, Rahab, tried to insist that the Dukes not reproduce, but he got shot down on that one. Instead they’ve made certain the Neph won’t have children.”

“You mean... ?” I covered my mouth, feeling very sick. “They sterilized them?” He nodded, making a snip-snip gesture with his fingers. I pointed at him, as a question.

“Yes, me, too,” he said, voice soft. “All of us had the procedure.”

“Except me,” I said, and then I felt myself pale, imagining that my father would make me.

“The worst part is how fast the pain meds burn through our system. But it’s better this way. To get someone pregnant is to kill them.”

“I understand that. But it’s their reasoning that makes me mad—it’s the fact that everyone’s choice is taken away!”

“It is what it is.” I had no doubt that had been the Neph motto for thousands of years. Kaidan rested his chin on his forearms, looking down with heavy eyes.

He’d been right to think I’d cry. The thought of such cruelty. The complete lack of love and respect for life. I stood and went to look out of the window, trying to hide my tears from Kaidan.

“I knew it would only upset you,” he said.

“Of course it upsets me! Doesn’t it upset you?” I turned to him now, and he lifted a solemn gaze to me. Yes, it was clear from the blue depths of his eyes that it upset him, too.

“There’s no use wasting time thinking about things that can’t be changed.”

Was there nothing that could be done? Couldn’t we somehow fight back? As much as I wanted to believe we could, the idea of destroying the Dukes felt monumentally hopeless.

I walked back to my bed, where Kaidan lay, and sat against the headboard with my knees pulled up to my chest. I pushed my cold feet under the covers.

Kaidan sat up on the edge of the bed and moved closer to me. Much closer. I was too busy hiding my nervousness to look up at him.

“Nervous?” he asked.

“Umm...”

“About tomorrow?” he specified.

“Oh.” Now that he mentioned it... “Yeah.”

“You’ll do fine. I’ll drop you off and come get you the moment you call.”

He took my hand gently in his. My heart was beating too fast. I watched him run the pad of his thumb back and forth over my thumbnail. I knew that if I looked up now he would kiss me. I wanted him to. All I had to do was lift my face. But it felt wrong that I should keep kissing someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. The thought of Kaidan as anyone’s boyfriend was laughable. He probably thought boyfriend and husband were bad words.

After I’d refused to look at him for long enough, he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my thumb. I rested my cheek on my knee and closed my eyes. The sweetness of his gesture was too much. Just as I was about to stop fighting it and turn my face up to his, he stood.

“Get some rest,” he said, letting go of my hand.

I burrowed down into the covers and tried to resume normal breathing. I heard him get into his own bed and become still.

“Kaidan?”

“Yes?”

“I’m not trying to judge. I’m just curious. Um...” I twisted the blanket in my hands. “Are you going out tonight?”

The pause was long and weighty before he said, “I don’t think I will.”

Yes! I reined in any hopeful thoughts and feelings about what this might mean, but I could not deny the speed of the hummingbird zooming around inside of me.

“Ann?” he whispered.

“Yes?”

“It won’t bother me if you need to, you know, properly pray, however you do it.”

“Oh. Okay, thanks.” He’d caught me off guard, but I felt willing to share my private moment with him.

I felt self-conscious at first as I clasped my fingers in front of me and closed my eyes, but as I began, a peace settled over me. I thought about all I’d seen that day, and what I’d be facing tomorrow. I asked for strength of heart to face my earthly father. I begged that the Nephilim could find reason to hope. And the last wish in my heart was for Kaidan to experience love in his life, both the giving and receiving.

Once finished, I reached for the lamp switch and saw his handsome face on the pillow watching me. Warmth rushed through my limbs.

“Good night,” I whispered, and turned out the light.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

MOURNING HEAVEN

I awoke at the first crack of dawn and lay listening to Kaidan’s steady breathing as he slept. I was glad this day was finally here. I wanted to get it over with.

I crept to the bathroom and took a shower, then dressed in the nicest outfit I’d brought—khaki shorts and a button-down yellow shirt with a white tank top underneath. I tried to think positive, peaceful thoughts as I towel-dried my hair.

In the room, Kaidan was lying on his back with his hands resting on top of his stomach. He didn’t look fully awake yet.

“I ordered us some room service for breakfast.” In his sleepy state, his voice was even deeper than normal.