Sweet Addiction (Sweet #6)(79)

Lucas’s expression softened. There was relief mixed with sadness. He stroked her cheek even as she held his face in her hands.

“Have you ever been torn between two impossibilities and knew in your heart that no matter which way you went or which path you chose that you were doomed to unhappiness?”

“Oh God, Ren. I never meant for you to feel this way.”

He leaned his forehead to press against hers. He cupped her face and kissed her, wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

“I’m so sorry, baby. We’ll find a way. I promise.”

She stared at him, grief overtaking her until the words nearly choked her. “He said that too. He told me that we’d find a way. That he wouldn’t let me go. And yet at the first opportunity, he walked away. Again.”

Lucas enfolded her in his arms and rocked back and forth as she buried her face in his neck.

“I’ll make it right,” he whispered. “Somehow I’ll make this all right for you.”

She clung to him but blocked out the promise. She didn’t want any more promises. She only wanted truth. The hard, ugly truth.

“I love you, Lucas. I do. I want you to believe that. I don’t want to be without you no matter how it may sound. I’m hurting right now, but I’ll survive. I survived before. Just please be patient with me. Don’t be angry because I can’t give you one hundred percent of me just yet. I’ll get there. I swear it.”

She made the vow because she was determined that it would be so. Cole had walked away from her once before and she’d been devastated then. Now? She was destroyed. It hurt worse the second time. But she refused to allow it to dictate the course of the rest of her life.

Lucas was the best of men. She loved him and he loved her. In time she’d be able to embrace her future with him. But first she had to lay her past to rest.

CHAPTER 35

“On your knees.”

Ren slid to her knees and focused her attention on Lucas, waiting for his next command.

He stared down at her, his gaze probing and assessing. He was more patient of late. Almost as if he weighed every single command or perhaps he was afraid he was being too hard on her. Ren wasn’t sure, but she knew she needed this. In her very unstable world, she needed the constant that was Lucas. She needed him hard and firm. Unyielding. Because if he wasn’t, then her world really would crumble.

She wanted to tell him that she wouldn’t fall apart. That she needed his dominance and routine now more than ever. But she refused to sound that weak and needy. Besides, he knew. He could see right into the heart of her, which was why he was treating her with kids’ gloves.

She sighed unhappily and forced herself to await what came next.

“Choose tonight’s instrument,” he said, and took her back so many nights ago to one similar as this. The same evening they’d eaten out in a restaurant and the course of her future had forever been altered, though she hadn’t known it at the time. It was the night Cole had seen her.

She licked her lips, suddenly indecisive. She would have loved to have said a belt, but the bite of leather reminded her too much of Cole. He’d liked the belt and had used it often. He’d never, ever touched her with a whip. She wondered if he’d even ever laid hands on one after all those years ago.

Even asking for wood brought back the memory of being on board the yacht when Cole had used the wooden oar. A shiver stole over her as what had followed came back to her with startling clarity.

“Your hand,” she finally said.

“Was it such a hard decision?” he asked mildly.

If he only knew. But she shook her head and said instead, “I was weighing my options. I prefer your hand.”

“Perhaps later you’ll tell me why,” he murmured. “Very well. Rise to your knees and come with me to the chair.”

She took the hand he offered and allowed him to help her to her feet. He took his time moving to the chair that faced his bed and then he sank onto the cushion and motioned for her to lay across his lap.

She closed her eyes as he ran his palm over her bare ass, cupping and caressing the cheeks. When the first blow fell, she embraced it. She focused on herself and isolated herself from everything but Lucas and the comfort he offered.

She was so tightly immersed in the zone that she didn’t even realize when he stopped. To her horror, when she came to awareness, he was holding her shoulders as she knelt between his thighs and he was staring hard into her eyes.

“Oh God, I’m sorry,” she whispered.

To her further horror, a tear slid down her cheek. And then another and yet another until there was a steady stream of moisture wetting her face.

Lucas didn’t say a word. He simply rose from his chair and then leaned down and swept her into his arms. He carried her to bed and gently laid her down on the mattress.

He climbed in beside her and pulled the covers up over her shoulders. Then he pulled her into his arms and curled his leg over hers until she was surrounded by him.

“Sleep now, my love,” he murmured next to her ear. “And know I love you.”

She closed her eyes and snuggled deeper into his embrace until she had no awareness of where he ended and she began. And she slipped to a place where there was no pain. No sadness. No Cole. Only her and Lucas before Cole came back into her life.

“You’re an idiot,” Damon said mildly.