Smashed (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #8.5)(34)

I most certainly did. We cut a path across the small expanse of field to the waiting forest. It was nice to walk beneath a blanket of stars with the white wolf. The city suddenly felt so far away.

The echo of wolf was alive with excitement inside me. The scent of the earth at my feet and the wolf beside me brought memories swimming up from the depths of my subconscious, all of them Alexa’s. Being wolf meant so much to her. I would never have forgiven myself if she had lost it.

Entering the closely packed trees meant leaving the rest of the world behind. It ceased to exist as we went deeper. Shaz paused here and there to sniff at everything from a small animal carcass to a pile of dry leaves.

I stepped with care, feeling very much aware that I did not belong here. The forest seemed to watch us, to know why we’d come. It was a strange sensation. The forest almost breathed as the wind played in the treetops. The occasional call of an owl was met with the yip of coyotes in the distance. It was peaceful, a world unto its own. A pang of envy struck me. I would never know this place the way Alexa and Shaz did. Together they had something that excluded me. It was beautiful and precious.

I yearned to speak but felt that my voice was unwelcome here. It merely didn’t belong. Shaz bumped against my side and knowing I risked a vicious wolf bite, I reached for a handful of his fur. It slid through my fingers, wiry and tough but soft as well.

Smiling apologetically when he turned a wary stare my way, I let go and reached to touch the bark of a large spruce tree instead. The old tree hummed with the natural vibrations of the earth. Closing my eyes, I could feel the way its energy was linked to everything around it. Connected. All of us. In one way or another.

For just a moment, I thought perhaps the wolf essence inside me would manifest itself after all. The tips of my fingers stung with the prick of claws. The insistent pressure inside me grew until I was sure it could be contained no longer.

I opened my eyes to find Shaz staring at me, concern etched on his furry face. Motioning for him to continue, I followed, wondering if it was possible that it was not Alexa’s wolf that reigned within me but my own instead.

A vampire could not become a shifter. We were beyond human life and death. Of course no vampire was bound to a shifter the way I was. It was a curious thing. The essence of a wolf dwelled in me, lacking only a body. Otherwise, it was very real.

I thought about Alexa, likely with Sinclair at that moment, when she should have been here. Things would get better. She would recover from the startling initiation to the vampire world and reclaim her role as one of the last Hounds. She simply had to. Anything less would be a failure. My failure.

Shaz slipped between a tight group of trees, and I followed, careful not to bend or break any branches. I found him there, in human form, sitting naked beside a small pond.

“This is where she goes when she needs to get away,” he said softly. He sat with his knees drawn up, hiding his nudity. “It’s dried up some since summer, but it’s still beautiful.”

“It really is.” I sat beside him on the dry grass, giving him enough space so as not to feel uncomfortable. Studying the pond, I was disappointed that summer had passed. The coming winter promised to steal the life away from this place. “I’d like to see it in the summer. Perhaps we can come back.”

Shaz pushed a hand through his hair several times. It was a sign that he was feeling emotional, for whatever reason. “Sure. We can do that.”

He seemed to have a hard time looking at me. I tried to lighten the mood. “What’s wrong, pup? Would you feel better if I got naked too?”

“Please, don’t.” His laughter cut through the night, echoing all around us. “It’s just your eyes. They’re wolf. I haven’t seen that in a while.”

Shaz had been the first one to see Alexa’s wolf in me. That night had been one of the worst. Not only had I lost control, something that so rarely happened now, but I’d killed my lovely neighbor’s dog in a fit of werewolf-induced rage.

“It’s not always this strong,” I said. “You must know that what you share with her will always be more profound than what I share with her. You have something special there.”

Picking a twig off the ground, he began to scratch in the dirt. “We do. I know that. I’m not sure I’d call it profound though.”

I watched as he dragged the small stick through the dirt, drawing a poorly formed heart. “Shaz, the two of you share something that is filled with wonder and beauty. What she and I have is all about blood and death. Don’t underestimate what you are together.”

A wan smile graced his lips. “You know for such a supreme jackass, you can be a pretty decent guy.”

“I know.”

He flicked the twig at me. It bounced off my arm to disappear into the yellow grass. I pointed at the clumsy heart he’d carved into the dirt beside him. “Did you know that style of heart has some pretty strange origins? According to some sources, you just drew a little ball sack. Or possibly a lady’s ass.”

“See what I mean? Jackass.” Shaz’s soft laughter was infectious. It likely wouldn’t be long until we were throwing punches at each other again. This was nice though. It was worth savoring.

We sat in a comfortable silence, each lost in the isolation of our own thoughts. In the still of the forest night, sitting with a man I’d once warred with, I wondered if perhaps it should be me returning to Las Vegas with Jenner.