Sing (Songs of Submission #7)(13)

I wanted to slip in during the dead after hours and fall asleep next to Jonathan again, but if there was one night I should let him rest, that was probably it. A twisting disappointment pinched my chest when I realized I wouldn’t go see him, and I’d have to sleep alone in my stupid shit bed.

But though I could be lonely, and depressed and worried, and though I could be broke and uncharacteristically irresponsible, I didn’t have to be hungry.

“How are you reheating it?” I asked.

“I put the cardboard box in the microwave. It ain’t open heart surgery.”

“You have to heat it covered with a little water.” I put my keys back in my bag, glad to be of use to someone. “A glass container is best. Let me show you.”

CHAPTER 11.

MONICA

“Magic” was too mild a word for City of Dis as Dr. Brad Thorensen played it. Extreme might be better. Intense. Powerful.

The idea was, you are in hell. Not just a block character of pixels. Not some person you made up from die rolls and categories, but...you.

Meaning, you create a character based on yourself. Plenty of people created characters whole cloth, but the point of the thing was to create your own personal self and send it through hell. You struggle to exit each circle, but you know the next one will be worse, that the stakes will be higher, and your missions harder. This being the case, when you stop, you have found your sin. Your flaw. You have discovered the thing about yourself that will send you to into the inferno.

It started with a fifteen minute questionnaire. That’s how long it took. Except it should have been a two hour questionnaire. It should have required thought and rumination, deeply personal questions had to be answered so quickly there wasn’t a second to think twice.

Dr. Thorensen taught me how to use the controllers, then went to reheat the pad thai as I instructed.

Then it started. The basics, gender, age, education, family structure, came slowly. Then it started. Multiple choice. Choose the closest answer. Rapid fire.

—do you cook your own dinner how long does it take you to eat it how long do you chat with friends after dinner do you have a mirror in your room do you wear makeup every day is your nose big are you fat do you have enough money how much does a pound of feathers weigh where was your car made price of the most expensive bag you ever bought if you found a wallet what would you do someone hits your car on the freeway what do you do how often do you shop do you reconcile your checkbook does your thumb hurt right now how many cups of coffee or tea do you drink a day how many moving violations have you gotten what color is the red hat when was your last felony arrest did your parents spank you are you worthless what is your political affiliation do you believe in legal abortion are you on birth control how many sexual partners have you had this month how much is too much are you hungry right now do you own a firearm are people are generally bad or generally good what time do you eat dinner what time do you go to bed do you dream—

::—PLEASE BE PATIENT WHILE WE CREATE YOUR AVATAR—::

“It’ll take a few minutes,” Dr. Thorensen said.

“I need a nap after that.”

“You walked in here looking like you needed a nap.”

He put down two plates of moist, hot delicious pad thai that had been reheated to perfection. I felt a mentally overwhelming need to eat it. I sat at the kitchen bar and placed the napkin over my knee. When was the last time I’d eaten a hot meal? Days ago? I was taking these noodles slow. I was going to make love to each one like it was the first time.

“I’ll try not to be offended,” I said. He offered chopsticks and a fork. I could use chopsticks fine, but my hands had started shaking, so I took the fork.

“In my line of work, I see a lot of people who don’t take care of themselves when a loved one is sick.”

He said it in a doctor voice, as if it was a professional opinion, and thus something that could not cause offense. I wondered what it would be like to date a doctor and deal with that voice all the time. Did he use it when he wanted to tell a woman she needed to pay attention to his feelings, or she shouldn’t rehearse on Tuesday nights? Was he a professional when complaining about the in-laws?

“Yeah, well,” I said, spooling a single noodle onto my fork, “he’s going to be out soon, and then I’m going to be fat and happy.”

“I peeked in on his surgery. Everything seemed to be going fine. He’s young. You guys are going to be tooling around in your new Jaguar in no time.”

I think I turned a little red. “I just want to get back to work. One, they feed us. Nothing like a free lunch.”

“He doesn’t take care of you?”

I must have burned black, smoking holes in his face, because he pursed his lips shut and looked down at his plate as if he’d just stepped in my personal daisy patch.

“I will allow you to take that back,” I said. “A show of gratitude for the thai.”

He laughed, and it didn’t sound professional. Thank god. “I’m sorry. I take it back. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“Got that right, doctor.”

“Brad.”

“Fine.”

A singsong bell rang from the stereo speakers. Naturally, an audio monolith had been connected to the system to make City of Dis a three dimensional aural experience.

“Your avatar’s ready,” Brad said. “I’m dying of curiosity.”