Sing (Songs of Submission #7)(8)

“I told him I was laying something down for Carnival Records this afternoon. If he told me his graft was today, he knew I’d cancel.”

“Is it important? The studio thing?”

“Not as important as being here.”

“Spare us the emotional comparisons.” Her impatience must have been a sign of how tightly wound she was. Her words were clipped and her intent unmistakable. I felt compelled to give her any answer she asked for. She must have been a magician in a courtroom.

“It’s going to make my career,” I said. “But not today.”

“First of all, you don’t ask my brother ever again about his condition. He’s a notorious liar of convenience.”

“No shit.”

“Secondly,” she stopped and stood in front of me. “How broke are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“You two are so sweet together. Really. He lies so you go to the studio, and you omit your destitution so he won’t worry about you. It breaks my f**king heart to see this level of well-meaning duplicity.”

We stared at each other for what seemed like a minute and a half. She had that Drazen thing where she looked perfectly put together even though I knew that between her family and her work she was getting eaten alive. Her hair sat up in a copper bun, her skin was luminescent and her lavender business suit looked like it should still be in the dry cleaning bag.

“How broke?” Margie asked.

I took a deep breath. I didn’t want to tell her. It was shameful, but I couldn’t avoid it any longer.

“I haven’t had a roommate in months. I haven’t worked since before I left for Vancouver. I bought clothes I shouldn’t have. I fixed a car I didn’t need to. Here I am.”

“Is he not taking care of you?”

“I’m not his whore.” I said it in a sotto whisper, but it seemed to amplify and echo against the hard walls and floor. Margie took me by the bicep and pulled me into an empty room. I followed because I didn’t want to make a scene, but by the time she closed the door, I was livid.

“Is bossiness a Drazen thing?” I said.

She held her finger up. “Don’t you posture with me. No one who ever saw you together would call you his whore. So stop it. How much do you need?”

I held my hands up. Taking gifts from Jonathan was one thing, having his sister write me a check was viscerally offensive.

“I’ll figure it out.”

“How?” she asked. “What’s your plan to stay with him and go to work at the same time?”

I didn’t have one, except closing my eyes and hoping I’d wake up at the end of it with a healthy Jonathan and an undamaged career. The signs did not appear to be in my favor. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure I’d wind up unemployed, ten pounds lighter, and evicted by my own mother. In addition, my EP wouldn’t get cut and I’d have a reputation as a flake.

“I’m going to be there for him,” I said. “If it makes me broke and ruins my career, that’s the deal. And I’m not taking a dime from you or anyone else. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with him when he comes around.”

“You’re a real pain in the ass.”

“Can I have a roll call?” I leaned on the foot of the empty bed.

“Theresa’s calling but she can’t come in. Deirdre’s in chapel. Leanne is here but running off to some Asia backwater in three minutes. Fiona’s in and out with her entourage. Sheila’s ripping paper. Carrie’s still not coming.”

“And your mother?”

“Fully medicated. I spoke to her.”

I nodded. Margie and her mother had a sisterly relationship from what I could see, considering the elder Drazen was only fifteen and a half years older. “I spoke to her” meant Margie had reprimanded her own mother over her treatment of me, which included stone cold silences, saccharine kindness and blatant disregard when she was tired.

“Will she ever say more than two words to me?”

“She and Deirdre love Jessica. That’s not going to change.”

“I don’t expect it to.”

“Good. There’s something else.” She glanced to the door as if making sure it was still closed. “Jonathan hasn’t spoken to our father in fifteen years. He’s here. You might not see him, he and Mom are on the outs, but he’s in the building. If he meets you, whatever he tells you, grain of salt, okay?”

“I don’t know what he’d have to lie to me about.”

“He’d say something just to see how you react. My brother thinks it’s evil. I think it’s just a shitty hobby.”

“Can we go?” I collected my things and stood up straight, ready for the door.

“I’m not done. About the money.”

“You’re done.”

CHAPTER 6.

JONATHAN

When I first felt like I was dying, I stood in a doorway at the LA Mod for half an hour, trying to get control of the tightness in my chest. I focused on my breathing, sat down, tried to think about anything else, but it kept getting worse, and I kept sitting there, thinking I had to get to Monica before my father did, and I really started panicking.

It all tumbled down from there, to that ridiculously long hospital stay, to getting wheeled into an operating room for surgery at 32. When I woke up, I had the feeling something had gone terribly wrong.