Rush Too Far (Rosemary Beach #4)(64)

I hated myself. I hated the lies. I hated my mother and Abe.

“I’m so sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you. At first, you were just a problem that would hurt Nan. I thought you’d cause her more pain. The trouble was that you fascinated me. I’ll admit I was immediately drawn to you because you’re gorgeous. Breathtaking. I hated you because of it. I didn’t want to be attracted to you. But I was. I wanted you badly that very first night. Just to be near you. God, I made up reasons to find you. Then . . . then I got to know you. I was hypnotized by your laugh. It was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard. You were so honest and determined. You didn’t whine or complain. You took what life handed you and worked with it. I wasn’t used to that. Every time I watched you, every time I was near you, I fell a little more.”

I took a step toward her, and she held up her hands as if to keep me back. I had to keep talking. I needed her to believe me.

“Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it, but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I’d put you through hell since you’d arrived, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew . . . I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were, I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister’s pain?”

Blaire covered her ears. “No. I won’t listen to this. Leave, Rush. Leave now!” she yelled.

“The day Mom came home from the hospital with her, I was three. I remember it, though. She was so small, and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Nan. I grew up fast. By the time Nan was three, I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married, and now we had Grant. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me, because I wouldn’t be responsible for Nan for a few days. I’d get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn’t.” I needed Blaire to understand why I did what I did. It had been wrong, but she had to understand.

“Stop!” she yelled, moving back farther against the wall.

“Blaire, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you’ll understand,” I begged. The sob in my throat caused my voice to crack, but I wasn’t stopping. She had to listen to me. “Mom would tell her she didn’t have one because she was special. That didn’t work for very long. I demanded that Mom tell me who Nan’s dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Nan’s dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Nan. He wanted those girls, but he didn’t want Nan. I couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t want Nan. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her, but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. Nan cried for months afterward.”

I stopped talking, and Blaire sank down onto the bed. She was giving in and listening to me. I felt a small glimmer of hope.

“I hated those girls. I hated that family Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore that one day, I’d make him pay. Nan would always say that maybe one day, he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these daydreams for years. When I was nineteen I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special, and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”

I could see her do the math in her head. She’d lost her sister less than a year before I’d found Abe. But I hadn’t known. God, I’d had no idea. I had been trying to help my sister, not destroy Blaire’s life. I hadn’t known Blaire.

“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care, honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you, the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom, God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.”

I moved over to her, and she let me get closer.

“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister, if I could go back and change things, I would. I would never have gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so f**king sorry.” Tears were blurring my vision. I had to get her to understand.

“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” she said softly. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”

A tear escaped and rolled down my face. I didn’t move to wipe it away. I wasn’t sure when I had cried last. I had been a kid. It was something I wasn’t used to anymore. But right now, I couldn’t keep it in. The pain was overwhelming. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you, Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”

“I can’t love you, Rush,” she said.

I let the sob I had been trying so hard to hold in break free, and my head fell into her lap. Nothing mattered. Nothing. Not anymore. I loved her completely, but I hadn’t been able to win her love in return, and without it, I would never get her back. I had lost. How would I live now that I had known life with Blaire? “You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” I said, and I let the sobs shake my body and buried my face in her leg. Had I ever felt so broken? No. And I never would again. Nothing could compare to holding heaven and losing it.