Rule (Marked Men #1)(91)

There was no answer, just the sound of my shallow breathing and the wind moving the trees. I felt really alone for the first time in a long time and the loss of my twin was really pressing down heavily on me. The last month and a half had been rough; everything with Shaw had left me strung up and stripped bare. My normal response to that overwhelming flood of emotion would have been to drink my liver into submission and screw any and every girl that looked my way. Neither of those things had been on my agenda, booze wasn’t enough to make my conscious stop screaming at me that I should have tried harder, should have handled my shock and anger better and the idea of taking anyone to bed that wasn’t Shaw made everything I had below the belt freeze up. I was working a ton, trying to keep tabs on the situation with Gabe through Mark and Alex because I was determined to keep him away from her permanently even if she didn’t know I was doing it and I was spending a lot of time with the boys licking my wounds. Even though she had been so upset with me for trying to change to be better for her, I think I had affected some major changes on my own despite myself and that wasn’t bad. I was allowing myself to feel everything and while the feelings tied up in the failure of my relationship with Shaw burned at least I was processing them and not drowning them in bad habits.

I was getting ready to say goodbye when footsteps crunching on the thin layer of snow still covering the ground made me lift my head up. I felt my eyes narrow involuntarily and the corners of my mouth pull down when I recognized the figure making her way towards me. Every instinct I had was to get out there before she could ruin my day but I stayed put because she was looking right at me and for once there wasn’t contempt or hatred shining out of her eyes.

“Mom.”

“Happy birthday Rule.”

I cleared my throat because I had no clue what to say to her. I knocked my knuckles on the hard headstone and gave my brother a silent goodbye. “I’ll take off so you can have some time with him. I’m sure today is hard for you.”

I nearly fell over when she reached out a hand and put it on my forearm. My mom hadn’t touched me voluntarily in years and it was enough to stun me into silence.

“It’s hard for all of us but that’s not why I’m here. I actually called your work to see if I could maybe take you to lunch for your birthday. I figured you wouldn’t answer if I called your cell so I asked your roommate where I might find you and he pointed me here. I guess if I hadn’t been so busy trying to shut you out all these years I might have figured that out on my own.”

I took a step away from her because I was pretty sure aliens had abducted my mom and that this creature before me wasn’t real. The things coming out of her mouth were almost too much for me to take in. “Where’s dad?”

“Home. He’s working on getting through to your brother and after all that’s happened I needed to be the one to come to you. Can I take you to lunch or maybe for coffee?”

I didn’t want to go. I didn’t trust her or her motivations but it was my birthday and we were standing at my dead brother’s grave so turning her down just didn’t seem like a viable option or one I could live with later on.

“Coffee would be alright.” She gave me a smile that was sad, I mean really, truly sad and I realized for the first time that my mom had a dark tunnel she disappeared into as well, that maybe it was a trait I learned from her. We walked back to the parking lot in silence and I followed her back to Brookside even though all I wanted to do was keep in driving back to Denver. We stopped at the Starbucks I always hit up and I let her buy me a coffee while I settled into a semi secluded corner and stretched out my legs. I could tell she was nervous so I tried to relax and not be as guarded as I always was around her.

“I’ve been talking to a specialist. Your dad found someone here in town that deals with grief and family issues. I think it’s been really helpful.”

I blinked. “That’s a change.”

She smiled ruefully and I caught a glimpse of the woman who had raised me before our relationship had been tainted with tragedy.

“After the way things went at dinner your dad had reached his breaking point. It was go and get help or watch my husband of thirty-six years walk away from me. Dale has always been the only constant in my life, I wouldn’t make it without him and it took realizing how alone I would be if he walked out the door to make me see what I’ve done to my family.”

I could only stare at her in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.

“You asked me how I could love Remy knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you and I want to try and explain things. It’s not an excuse, our relationship has never been easy, we’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born. You guys were early which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy bellowing your little head off, Remy wasn’t so lucky. He had the cord around his neck and was breech, it took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive and well so from the start I think I focused more on him than on you which makes me a terrible mother but didn’t mean I didn’t love you both. Remy breast fed, you wanted formula and when you were old enough to walk Remy held onto my fingers and tottered all over the house, you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own. Your brother always needed me, always wanted me and you, well you were like you are now; independent, fierce and determined to blaze your own way in the world and I just let you go. Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”