Rule (Marked Men #1)(63)

“It’s fun.”

“I bet.” She had a faraway look in her pretty eyes that I just couldn’t let slide anymore.

“Come on Ayden; tell me what’s going on with you lately. I know I’ve been wrapped up in my own nonsense but I can see the change in you. You look so sad all the time and that’s just not like you.”

Her whiskey toned gaze shifted from one side to another before settling on the table between us. She set her coffee down and traced the rim of the cup with her finger.

“I don’t know, I mean I know but not really.” I just watched her because I wasn’t sure what she was talking about. “I used to think I had it all figured out school, boys, my future, all of it. I knew that coming from nothing and no one didn’t matter because I was on the right track and I was going to be something great and now I just don’t know.”

“What brought this on?”

“The night at the rock bar, the night I had Jet take me home I practically threw myself at him.” I saw her flinch a little. “He was polite enough about it all but said I wasn’t really his type and that nice girls like me deserved better.”

“Well that seems chivalrous and nice of him, not life altering.”

“That’s the thing Shaw, I’m a nice girl now but you have no idea about the life I lived before I moved to Colorado. When I was in Kentucky I was out of control. I partied, messed around in all kinds of bad stuff, played around with too many guys and I was a mess inside and out. It took a miracle to get me into this school and away from all of that but part of me is still that girl and when Jet turned me down it just made both parts of me go a little sideways. He’s cute and in a band, I was mad, really mad when he rejected me on the basis of being a good girl, that’s just not who I think I want to be. I’ve been struggling with it ever since.”

I set my coffee down and looked at her out of narrowed eyes. “You let a guy get all up in your head after one brief encounter? That doesn’t sound like you at all.”

“There was something about this guy, Shaw. I don’t know what it was.”

“Ayden you’re amazing. I don’t care what your life was like before because now you’re loyal and kind, you make me laugh, you’re smarter than practically anyone I know, you’re ridiculously beautiful and we both know that there have been times in the last couple of years that the only thing holding me together was you. I’ve meet Jet a few times and he is nice and definitely a babe but he’s also a rock and roll guy that comes with legions of rock and roll groupies fawning all over him so whatever moment you had with him is not worth this mopey, self-doubt he seems to have spawned in you.”

“This from the girl that pinned over her guy in silence for almost a full decade?” Her sarcasm was biting but well deserved.

“Yes and look how miserable and lonely it made me. All I’m saying is that if a guy can’t appreciate you for how wonderful you are then he isn’t worth it and if he doesn’t want to sully your good image, whether it is real or not then I hate to say it but that just sounds like maybe he wasn’t interested. You are pretty country and he is pretty rock I mean I know I’ve been drowning in opposites attract and all that stupid nonsense for my whole life with Rule but maybe they really don’t and you just weren’t his type. I’ve seen the girls that gravitate to these guys when they go out, heck I’ve walked in on Rule with them over and over again and trust me big brains, self-confidence and ambition are not things these women bring to the table.”

She exhaled loudly. “Maybe. It just made me wonder about what I’m doing. I date, I have a pretty good time, I love living with you and I’m awesome at school but I feel like something is missing and when I see your super-hot, half-dressed boyfriend covered in tattoos looking all sleepy and satisfied I get a little burn near my heart that hurts. I think I’m lonely and not for something casual and simple. Trust me I had plenty of that when I was younger.”

I laughed a little and scraped off some of the foam of my drink with my finger and popped it in my mouth. I think the table of geeks gasped but I wasn’t sure because when I looked back up at them they were all frantically typing away on their laptops.

“So you pick a heavy metal singer to get all mushy and sentimental over? Man we’ve got marvelous taste in men.”

She laughed with me and leaned back to cross her long legs at the ankle. “I think it’ll probably fade away but in the mean time I need to get my head around moving forward without totally forgetting who I am, I mean look at you. You’re not suddenly covered head to toe in ink and sporting a face full of extreme piercings. You took all the parts of Rule’s make your own rules philosophy and used it mellow out and take control of your own destiny not turn into a new you.”

She was partly right. I figured it was probably too much information to tell her I had been seriously considering getting my ni**les pierced. Rule was always telling me how sensitive they were, how easy it was to get me turned on and all worked up and ready to blow by just playing with them and after having intimate contact on a repeated basis with someone that had piercings through strategic parts of their anatomy I knew exactly how the little pieces of jewelry could enhance the experience. It had always been Rule for me so I didn’t know what it was like to be with anyone that didn’t have barbells in their c**k and through their tongue, but as good as it was with him I had no desire to find out how it was with someone unadorned. I didn’t want them for him, I wanted them for me but I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to something that big yet.