Ready or Not (Ready #4)(43)

His cupped hand dropped to the water, collecting a steamy palmful within as he brought it to my shoulder and let the contents slid down my back. His fingers followed the trail the water left behind, kneading sore muscles as he spoke.

“I thought you might need time,” he confessed softly.

“Why?”

His gaze met mine, and I saw tenderness in his features.

“I don’t expect to know everything you’re going through, Liv, but I do know that to anticipate anything from you right now is out of the question. The only thing I’m sure of is, I’m here for you—in whatever way you need me.”

My hands joined his that returned to my shoulders, and his warm fingers intertwined with mine.

“What if all I need right now is for you to touch me?”

“Liv—” he said hesitantly.

“Please listen to me before you say anything.”

He nodded.

I continued, “In some ways, I feel like nothing happened. It was a near miss, you know? I should be happy for that fact. I’d trusted the wrong person, and that mistrust almost cost me something precious. Had you not been there, had you not saved me from him—I honestly don’t know where I would be mentally right now.”

“You doubt yourself,” he said, not bothering to ask but rather forming it as a statement.

“Yes. It’s something I’m still struggling with and working through. Even though the rational side of me knows I did everything right and that I shouldn’t hold anything against myself for the way I handled that afternoon, I still feel weakness. I still feel a loss of the woman I once was.”

I could see his lips about to move, his words forming. He wanted to rebuff my words, console me, and heal me, but I needed only one type of healing tonight.

“Victor was the last man I was intimate with,” I said slowly as I slid our joined hands down the bare skin at my sides. “Help me forget, Jackson.”

His fingers dug into my waist as I was pulled even closer to him. The water lurched forward and splashed, and I suddenly found myself flush against every part of him. My legs instinctively tightened around him as his lips met mine.

Every movement and every single touch felt deliberate and full of purpose. Nothing was hurried or clumsy. This wasn’t another rushed late-night encounter that I had grown accustomed to over the years. This was a man showing me exactly what it felt like to be worshipped.

When his lips touched mine, I felt passion and tenderness along with deep longing unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

I wanted this man and not just for one night. The longer I spent wrapped up in Jackson’s arms, the less intimidating the idea of finding someone permanent became.

Our kiss deepened, my mouth opening for him, and our tongues moved together like long-lost lovers. I felt him grow harder beneath me, heightening my desire. I moved, grinding my body against him, as my lips tasted his.

“Liv,” he groaned.

“Please, don’t stop.”

My pleading words pushed him further, and his hands dipped under the edge of my bathing suit bottom to grip my bare ass. His skin against mine felt exhilarating. My heart raced inside my chest, beating and skipping in a staccato rhythm that seemed to match the butterfly sensation blossoming in my belly.

I wanted him with every ounce of my being, every fiber of my soul.

That thought was dashed as Victor’s cruel face rushed to the forefront of my mind for one brief moment, shattering my Zen-like state.

Why?

Why would the memory of Victor come back now when I felt safe and secure in Jackson’s arms?

Wanting to leave him and everything that went with him in the past, my movements became rushed, panicked almost, as our kiss intensified.

“Liv,” he whispered, pulling back slightly.

I watched his chest heave, knowing mine was doing the same, as I tried to catch my breath.

“Sweet Liv,” he said, smoothing his fingers down my cheek. “You have no idea how badly I want you in this moment, how badly I’ve wanted you since I first met you, but I can’t allow myself to do it like this.”

I frowned, suddenly averting my eyes from his gaze. Warmth touched my chin as he tugged my focus upward once again.

“Please, let me explain before you retreat.”

I nodded, giving him the signal to go ahead.

“I know you probably think I’m going to feed you a line about how I think you aren’t ready, how you couldn’t possibly be mentally capable to move on after a traumatic event like that.”

“Isn’t that what you think?” I asked.

“No,” he answered. “You might not be the greatest when it comes to psychoanalyzing your own feelings or hang-ups, but I know you well enough to know there is probably more going on here than you’re willing to admit to. I can’t allow our first time to simply be an eraser for all things Victor.”

I opened my mouth to argue with Jackson.

“I know that wasn’t your intention, but if we did sleep together tonight, it would always be this reminder of him and what he did. When we come together for the first time, it will be just the two of us—no one else up here”—he lifted his hand and tapped at my temple—“and no threat of an interrupting child,” he said with a small grin.

I must admit, while I had been dry-humping Jackson, I’d completely forgotten about Noah being upstairs.