Raven's Strike (Raven #2)(34)

"You tried. Trying is good enough," Jes told her.

Seraph shook her head. "Not when people die. When people die, trying doesn't feel like it is good enough."

He thought about it. "If Papa had died in Taela, I would not have felt like trying was good enough."

She nodded. "But when I held you in my arms and realized the gift I had been given, I knew there was a reason I was in Redern." She leaned toward him, willing him to feel the utter certainty that had come to her with his birth. "I knew your father would never make me give up my child in the mistaken belief that someone else, someone who didn't care as much, could do a better job of keeping you safe. From that day, I never felt I should go back to the clans. I had my home - in your father and in you."

"Is that why I'm not dead, like the other Guardians?" he asked. "Because you didn't give me away? Were they wrong to give away their babies?"

"I wish I knew," she said. "If there were a way to help other Guardians, I would tell the clans - but I think the answer is simpler. Too simple to help those others who bear the Eagle Order. The answer is you. You are strong, Jes, strong enough to bear a burden that would break other people. You can anchor the Guardian Order without losing your balance."

Jes sat down next to her again and stared at Willon's roof some more.

"Hennea knows I am dangerous?" he asked after a while.

"She knows Guardians are vulnerable," Seraph corrected firmly. "She knows there are things that are very dangerous for Guardians - very strong emotions, even good ones, are difficult. When you are falling in love, Jes, you have nothing but strong emotions. One minute you're happy, the next you're sad."

Jes nodded in emphatic agreement.

She wished Tier was here, to say the next part. But she needed to warn Jes, and this was as good a time as any other.

"Another thing that will be very difficult for you is sex," she told him.

Jes stiffened beside her, and Seraph kept her face a little averted so he couldn't see the rising color in her cheeks. She cleared her throat. "You have a hard enough time controlling the volatile nature of the Guardian without dealing with your own emotions running wild as well." And that was all she was going to say about that, she thought firmly. "Hennea knows this last adventure was dangerous for you, because the Guardian was called out so often. The Eagles who have lived the longest avoid situations that might call on the Guardian. We depended upon your abilities while we were trying to save Tier, and there were consequences. You must have noticed some changes in yourself."

"The Guardian is closer," he told her. "He used to sleep a lot, but now he's always near. We switch more often, too." He hesitated. "He listens to me better, though, and when he takes over, I can still be there with him. I used to wake up walking in the woods and not know why, but now he usually lets me stay if I want to."

"I didn't know that," said Seraph. "It sounds like a good thing to me."

He nodded. "To me, too."

"Hennea doesn't know about that part," said Seraph. "She only knows you are very vulnerable right now. She believes she is too old for you - however old that is. She thinks what you feel for her is" - her command of the Rederni tongue twenty years in the gaining failed her, and she waved her hands before she found the word - "mooncalf love; which is, maybe, even more emotional than real love, but not permanent. Something you would recover from if she were gone."

"She wants to leave to save me," he said, and, from his aggravated tone, he wasn't appreciative of the idea.

"She wants you to be safe because she loves you," said Seraph.

His head jerked around.

"Your father told me she loves you," she told him, knowing he'd trust Tier's judgment.

He took a deep breath, his shoulders softening with some emotion Seraph thought might just be simple relief.

"She loves you too much to trust in your strength when it is your life at risk. She doesn't see what a gift she is to you: a woman who is not afraid of the Guardian, a Raven who has enough control she can touch you without causing you distress, a woman who is strong enough to love an Eagle."

A slow smile crept across his face. "Pretty," he said, and Seraph felt an answering smile rise in her.

"Very," she agreed.

Jes stood up and started for the temple, but then stopped and turned back to her. Seraph got to her feet - slowly, because the hair on the back of her neck told her it was the Guardian who watched her out of her son's eyes.

"Why is she still here?" he asked. "If she wanted to leave to save us, why doesn't she just leave? The puzzle of the gems is more important than Jes is?"

"The gems are more than just a puzzle," answered Seraph. "Guardian, the Travelers are dying. We can't afford to lose so many Orders when the Orders may be the only thing that can save us. I don't know why she hasn't told me everything she knows, but I think she has earned the right to expect me to trust her judgment."

The Guardian nodded and retreated behind Jes's eyes. "It's all right if Hennea has secrets," Jes said in his usual cheerful voice. "Ravens are happier with secrets. Papa says."

Seraph raised her eyebrows and started walking toward the temple. "Oh, he does, does he?"