Paradise Valley (Virgin River #7)(70)

“She made her own choices, Rick. As did you.”

“Yeah,” he said, laughing without humor. “The choices I made were all selfish. The ones she made were all unselfish. All for me.”

“I bet if you asked her, she’d say her choices served her needs. She must have wanted to be a part of your life.”

He shook his head. “No matter how bad it is for her?”

“You so sure it’s bad for her? Sometimes being someone’s partner is fulfilling.”

“I doubt it, Jerry. Not anymore.”

“Hmm?”

“I told her in Germany, she should get on with her life—that I was going to be busy trying to get through rehab. She called, sent me stuff, but I shut her out, hoping she’d just wander off and get a life. Find a guy who could give her stuff, like maybe a future that didn’t hurt all the time. But damn, that girl’s stubborn. She never quit. I wouldn’t take her calls, wouldn’t return her messages, but she just kept at it. When I got back to Virgin River the other night, she came over to my gram’s and asked me to go for a ride with her, to talk. I went, and I tried to talk to her, but once we were parked at the river, I just grabbed her. Like a maniac. I couldn’t stop myself. I tore off her clothes and just did her—just like that. No lovey-dovey stuff. After her jeans were off, I pulled her onto my lap and just plugged her. I practically raped the girl who’s stuck by me through everything. And then I told her I couldn’t be part of a couple anymore, that she had to let me go.”

Now Jerry’s silence lengthened, but Rick didn’t fill it for quite a while.

“How impressed are you with me now?” Rick finally asked.

Jerry cleared his throat. “I’d like to ask a couple of questions, if it’s all right with you.”

“Knock yourself out. I’m all out of secrets now.”

He cleared his throat again. “Did you hit her?”

Rick was startled. “Of course not! I wouldn’t hit Liz!”

“Did you hold her down?”

“I told you—I pulled her on top of me. I can’t do anything with this leg.”

“Did she struggle? Try to pull away?”

“No. She let me.”

“Did she ask you not to?”

He shook his head. “She’d do anything for me. But that’s no excuse for what I did to her.”

“Did she say anything like, no? Or, please don’t? Or, stop?”

“I told you, she let me! That makes it worse!”

“Afterward, did she say you hurt her?”

“No,” he said weakly. “She said I’d seemed to be in a hurry. And it was okay that it wasn’t good for her.”

“Did she cry or complain that she’d tried to get through to you or—”

“I told you. She went along with it. I was rough and only thinking about myself. I was getting off! I was out of my mind. Liz is not made for that! She’s a good, sweet, giving person! I don’t want her giving in to someone like that. Like me.”

Jerry smiled patiently and watched as Rick wiped angrily at his eyes, refusing to let himself cry.

“I think,” Jerry said, “that sex will be better for both of you if you’re conscious of each other’s needs and desires. People in the throes of passion sometimes get a little selfish. Take advantage. And in the end, if they’re two people who care about each other, it’s not entirely satisfying. It sounds like maybe it wasn’t all that satisfying to you.”

Rick narrowed his eyes meanly. “I got off. She didn’t.”

“And it also happens, with couples, that people give rather than take sometimes. If one partner is particularly needy and the other doesn’t feel at risk—”

“You are the biggest dork,” Rick snapped.

Jerry laughed. “You’re going to have to do better than that. I’ve been called way worse than dork. And I concede to dork.”

“Didn’t you hear what I just told you about the other night?”

“You didn’t rape her, Rick. You didn’t even almost rape her. I’ve only known you for fifty minutes and yet I believe, if she’d tried to pull away or told you to stop, you would have.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“You’re not sure because you weren’t tested—it didn’t come to that. What’s interesting about this is that my bigger challenge is usually explaining what rape is to a young man who thinks he didn’t when, in fact, he did. Not listening to no. Holding a girl down. If what you’re telling me is accurate, that wasn’t the case.”

“What I’m telling you is horrible,” he ground out.

“I think if you caused her pain, it probably came afterward, when you told her you didn’t want her anymore. I’d like you to think more about that decision so you can outline your motivation on that for me, and we’ll talk about it on Thursday. I’d also like you to try to make a list of the good things that have happened in your life. Don’t strain yourself—give me five. Maybe you should think of them as ‘lucky’ things. But our time is up for today.”

“Wait a goddamn minute!” Rick snapped. “You have to tell me about the f**king spaceship!”