Not Safe for Work(95)

This wasn’t even the paranoia I’d had when we’d first slept together. When I’d been convinced that I’d walk in the office and everyone would just know. This was more like the time, back in my much younger days, when I’d smoked a little too much weed the night before work. Though I’d been coherent when I came into the office the next morning, the buzz was still there, and I’d spent my whole f*cking shift being convinced someone would drag me down to HR, tell me to piss in a cup and send me packing for being a druggie. I hadn’t smoked after that. Lesson learned.

But this wasn’t a panicky paranoia that could straighten me up and make me change my ways. All I had to do was slip up slightly, and someone somewhere would know that Mitchell & Forsythe was forcing me to continue my relationship with Rick. Someone somewhere would know that last night, I could barely keep my dick hard, never mind please him. Someone somewhere would know that I was losing my shit, falling apart and had no idea how to fix it.

But that was crazy. No one had any reason to suspect anything. I was just going insane because…because who wouldn’t be going insane in my position?

I laid down my X-ACTO knife and dug some change out of my desk drawer. “I’m going to grab a soda. Anyone else want anything?”

“Bring me back a beer,” Cal piped up.

“Yeah right,” Bianca said. “As if you’re old enough.”

“Hey!”

Even that couldn’t get a laugh out of me. As I started for the door, Teagan met my gaze, and the unspoken Are you okay? was loud and clear. I broke eye contact and kept walking.

On autopilot, I made it to the vending machines. After a good minute of staring at the options—none of which had changed in the last five or six years—I settled on a Coke. A Red Bull would just make me too jittery, and the last thing I—

“Hey.”

My heart dropped into my stomach, and my stomach dropped into my feet.

Rick. The last person on earth I could face right then. But what choice did I have?

Shame and guilt burning in my throat, I turned around. “Hey.”

“How are you?” He lifted his eyebrows—it wasn’t just benign small talk. After last night, I supposed he had every right to be concerned.

If you only knew…

“I’m still dragging, I guess. I’ll be all right.” I forced a laugh. “Maybe I’m getting too old to handle clubs.”

Rick didn’t laugh. For a long moment, he studied me. Then he folded his arms, but quickly lowered them, as if he’d realized a second too late that it made him look defensive. “Something’s obviously wrong. What is it?”

I don’t even know where to start. If I told you—

I cleared my throat. “I’m all right. Honestly.”

“Does top drop usually last this long?”

“I haven’t had it in a while. It…” One by one, the potential rationalizations died when they reached my tongue. Rick wasn’t stupid, and every attempt I made to pull the wool over his eyes was an insult, not to mention a violation of the trust this kind of relationship depended on.

I sighed. “Look, it’ll pass. Just…just be patient with me.”

“Of course I will. It’s not impatience.” He lifted his hand slightly, then lowered it and glanced around, as if he’d nearly reached for me before remembering himself. “I’m just worried. I don’t want you struggling because of me.”

Well, it’s not because of you, per se…

I looked him in the eye and lifted my chin slightly. “How’s your schedule this weekend?”

“This—” He paused, and fidgeted. “Clear.”

“Good. Keep it that way. Because starting Friday night, you’re all mine.”

“Do you think you’ll be all—”

“Are you questioning me?”

He blinked. “No. Of course not.”

“Good. Friday night, then?”

He gulped, and a grin spread across his lips. “I can’t wait.”

“Neither can I.”

We went our separate ways, and as soon as I was out of his sight, I stopped and leaned against the wall. Closing my eyes, I released a heavy breath.

I was only going to be able to play the top-drop card for so long, which meant I had two options—get my head out of my ass and figure out how to be a Dom again, or come clean to Rick.

I had two days to remember how to be a Dom again. Two days to conjure up the side of me that had always been so natural and that had drawn Rick to me in the first place. Two days to figure out how to give him everything he wanted and needed me to give him.

Exactly the way my employer expected me to.

My stomach lurched up into my throat, and I swore into the silence.

I was f*cked. Epically, undeniably, irreversibly f*cked.

What the hell do I do now?





Chapter Thirty-One


Two nights later, I was no closer to an answer, but I was out of excuses and out of time. I pulled into Rick’s driveway, whispered a prayer that I could get my head together and killed the engine.

As he always did, he came out the front door before I was up the walk.

I faked the most convincing smile I could. “Hey.” I wrapped my arms around him. “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you.” At least that wasn’t a lie—I still wasn’t sure I could conjure up the energy to be what he needed tonight, but just holding him and kissing him here on his front porch was enough to shake some life into me. I had been looking forward to seeing him. I just wasn’t looking forward to the inevitable moment when I had to tip my hand.