Nash (Marked Men #4)(80)

I turned on my heel and was back out in the rain, back at the Jetta, when a hard hand gripped me above the elbow and spun me around. He was still in a towel, rain coursing over his shaved head and down the furrowed lines in his forehead. He gave me a little shake that had my teeth snapping together.

“What the f**k? She locked herself out of the apartment again. She was at the gym and soaking wet because of the goddamn rain. I gave her a towel and let her throw her shit in my dryer. If I had known you were coming by, I would have called to let you know what was going on, that she was here.”

I was breathing hard and his hand burned where it touched me. My heart was breaking, I was dying on the inside, and he had the nerve to look like he was the one falling apart.

“If you had known I was coming, I probably wouldn’t have caught you in the act. I knew it was too good to be true. She’s beautiful and convenient. Why work for something that might never pay off? Right? I always knew when someone simpler came along you would choose her over me. You just can’t stop yourself from breaking my heart, can you, Nash?”

The water that was hitting him dribbled over his chest and trickled through the definitions in his abs. The way he was breathing, the way he was shivering, made it look like that dragon was trying to pull up off his skin, trying to lift him away from the lash of my hateful words. He took a step back from me and put a hand on the knot of his towel. He shook his head and I saw his mouth draw down in a harsh frown. It wasn’t only his body that was bared to me, it was everything else he had as well. It was all shining out of those beautiful eyes, but I steeled myself and refused to see any of it.

“That’s the thing, I would have worked until it killed me, whether it ever paid off or not, if that something at the end was you. And I couldn’t have broken your heart this time, Saint, because you wouldn’t let me get close enough to put my hands on it. I told you I can’t see anyone but you, that you are my only, simple or not, and no one else compares. Does this situation look bad? Yeah, it does. I’m not blind or an idiot, but if you knew”—he blew out a breath and looked up at the sky like it held all the answers—“how much I totally f**king love you, you wouldn’t have any question, and wouldn’t think I could ever even think about another chick like that. You are it for me, Saint. I would never do anything to hurt you because it hurts me just as bad.” He shook his head, sending raindrops flying in every direction. “I’m not your dad. I would never make you go through that again.”

I gasped and wanted to smack him across the face. “You don’t get to say that to me. You can’t love me when you have another naked girl in your apartment. From where I’m standing, you look exactly like him, Nash.”

“No, I don’t get to tell you that I love you because I can’t ever love you enough to make up for the fact that you refuse to love yourself. You love your job. You love your family. You probably even f**king love me right back, but until you wake up and realize how perfect you are, how incomparable and wonderful you are, there is no hope for this to work out. I thought I was fighting a losing battle with some imaginary version of my younger self, trying to fight against all the other men that have let you down in your life, but now I know it’s a battle against you. I love you, Saint, all of you, but if you don’t believe that, then I don’t know where we can go from here.”

I was crying, sobbing really. The tears were falling so hard he was getting blurry, and I just hoped the rain was hiding some of it from him.

“I’m leaving. That’s where I’m going from here. I don’t think you know anything about love, Nash.”

He flinched when I leveled the words at him, but his eyes also shifted to that dark indigo like they did when he was upset.

“Maybe not before, but after you, and after everything with Phil—my dad—over the last few months, I most certainly do. I know you deserve to be loved better than anyone in the world because of all you do for others. I also know that I’m a decent guy, Saint. I deserve the best kind of love back in return, and if you aren’t ever going to be the person to do that, then I’m glad this is over. I would give you everything.”

He turned his back on me and I could have sworn that artfully designed dragon, the armor he wore to protect himself, was looking back at me with baleful eyes, accusation and something else, judging me.

I slid behind the wheel of the car and continued to cry while I frantically searched around for my phone. Part of me wanted to run back to the apartment and confront them both, cover both of them with my rage and sorrow, but the bigger part of me that was suddenly an insecure and lost teenage girl again just wanted to run away and pretend none of this was happening to me.

The first call I made was to Sunny. She could tell I was upset, asked me a million questions, but all I could get out was that I needed a few days off from the hospital. I had a bunch of vacation days saved up, so it wouldn’t be a problem other than I was leaving her in the lurch and she still needed to set up the interview for the promotion. None of it mattered to me. Nothing mattered to me. I felt like I was turning to stone.

The next call I made was to my mom. I should have called Faith, she was going to be furious with me when she found out I was bailing once again because of Nash. I don’t know that my mom understood a single word I tried to tell her while I sobbed and shook, but I got an assurance that she had plenty of room for me down in Phoenix.