Nash (Marked Men #4)(78)

The older kids crashed on the floor and Saint and I took spots on the couch with both the little girls between us. I had no intention of staying, I wanted to be gone before Saint’s sister came home, but after the first five minutes of the movie, Brea was asleep with her head on my arm. The toddler, Zoe, had crawled into my lap, curled up like a little cat, and was out like a light. I didn’t want to disturb either of them, so I just settled in and watched the fish try and find his way home. The way Nemo’s dad never gave up, never lost hope, had me running parallels with my own life through my mind and it had me thinking about Phil.

When I looked over at Saint she was watching me with big eyes and there was a bright pink flush in her cheeks.

“What?”

She just gave her head a little shake and turned back to the movie.

“You just always surprise me.”

I blew out a breath because that was tied in to my latest revelation about this relationship and her.

“The person that should be surprising is you, Saint. Trust me, the person you are is remarkable and exceptional. If you get acquainted with her, your entire life will change.”

She just looked at me like she had no idea what I was saying, but I felt better having said it. I would love her unconditionally if she let me, but in order to do that I had to get her to love herself fully, first.

CHAPTER 16

Saint

It was already hard to keep a lid on everything Nash stirred up in me, but seeing a big, tough, tattooed guy hold on to a little girl like she was something breakable and precious, how in the hell was I supposed to keep my heart cloistered from that?

When Faith and Justin returned home, all the kids had been put to bed and Nash was on his way out the door. I didn’t miss the look my sister gave when he said good-bye. She was tired and supposed to take it easy, which is the only reason I escaped getting an earful, I’m sure. The next morning while I was at work she left a voice mail that went on for a solid twenty minutes about how she now had two boys that were insisting on getting skull tattoos when they were old enough. I shouldn’t have thought it was funny but I really did. I wanted to try and take Faith’s concern to heart. I knew she was just worried about me, worried about what would happen if Nash hurt me again, but something about his words to me the night before had stuck with me.

There was a part of me that could never believe that he saw me the way he did. I never recognized myself as a beautiful, desirable creature and so never took him at face value when he said those things to me. I was confident at work, knew what I was doing and that it was what I had always been meant to do, but even though he looked at me like I was the start and end of everything, I just couldn’t find any belief in the idea that Nash Donovan felt that way about me. I still didn’t have enough confidence to be secure in any of the other areas of my life. It wasn’t fair to Nash that I was on pins and needles waiting for him to prove that he was nothing more than a typical guy and would eventually fall to the lowest common denominator, when all I was doing was using my fear and weaknesses to hold all the parts of me that had never really stopped loving him in check and not allowing what was between us now to grow and flourish.

I had never been resentful of my work or my busy schedule at the emergency room. I was always the happiest, the most centered and secure when I was caring for others, but lately I wanted to have time to see Nash. I knew Phil was getting worse, that the end was on the horizon, and Nash was almost always at his side. He was trying to stay on top of things at work and everything else, but he was losing weight, and every time I did manage to see him he had shadows on his face that rivaled the color of his eyes in purpleness and his strong jaw was more often than not scruffy and unshaven.

There were no more overnight stays, no more fun dates that made me laugh, and the only time we managed to hook up was for a quickie during lunch here and there, which felt good and got the job done but lacked all the intensity and emotion behind the sex I was used to having with him. For someone who used to hate being naked and everything that typically went with it, I couldn’t wait for there to be a time when I could spend hours sans clothes and under him or over him—I wasn’t particular.

I was heading out after my shift when Sunny asked me to pop into her office. We had been too busy lately to have any real time to chat. I missed her positive attitude and the way she always tried to pick me up. I smiled at her and took a seat across from her cluttered desk.

“Are you going to try and set me up with another doctor?”

Ever since my disastrous date, the rumors had flown fast and furiously among the hospital staff. I was a lesbian, I’d had a seizure and had to go, I was secretly married with five kids … and no one was interested in the truth. Surprisingly, being the topic of conversation, being gossiped about no matter how silly it was, didn’t faze me. I was too busy with Nash, too busy trying to figure out the things that really mattered, to care about any of it.

Sunny rolled her dark eyes at me and gave me a huge grin. “No. I think your taste runs a little more colorful than most doctors walking these hallways.”

It was true. I mean there were some doctors sporting ink under their lab coats and scrubs, but nothing could compare to that dragon that was trying so hard to keep Nash safe.

“You’re probably right. What’s up? You never ask me to talk in your office. You usually just ambush me in the hallway.”

She was still smiling as she leaned back in her chair.