My One and Only(94)

Ivan’s soap cut to commercial, and the merits of Huggies diapers were extolled at an excruciating decibel. It was so odd to be back here, so disconcerting. Different, but still the same. Gone was the small kitchen where Nick and I had shared so few meals, where the steam radiators had ticked and hissed as I’d waited for him to come home. Gone was the tiny alcove in the living room where Nick had ensconced himself in front of the computer on the rare nights he made it home before nine or ten. Gone was our old bedroom where we’d fought so often. And yet, here we were, same building, same structure, same foundation. It was glossier and more sophisticated, but it was still the same.

And so were Nick and I.

God, that thought was petrifying. I realized I was gripping the leather arms of Nick’s chair in a stranglehold. But sitting here alone in this apartment, it was far too easy to remember the bitter solitude of my early days here. The helplessness I’d felt as I became invisible to the man I’d loved more than air. The utter terror that paralyzed my heart as I watched him pack. I could still hear the clink of my ring hitting the storm drain, could still see the accusing glare of the cab’s taillights as Nick left me.

My inbox chimed with a new message. Exhaling abruptly—apparently I’d stopped breathing—I heaved myself out of the chair and took a look. BeverLee. I clicked on it, then squinted to make out the curly pink typeface she always used.

Hey there, Sweetheart how are you doing? I’ve been just the tiniest bit worried about you, it being you’ve been gone such a while. Let me know where you’re at, okay? Miss you bunches. xoxox BeverLee. By the way give me a call if you can.

My heart squeezed. I’d never thought of BeverLee and me as being particularly close, but in her eyes, we were tighter than Joan and Melissa Rivers. If she deemed you her BFF, that’s how she’d act, and it would take a SWAT team and a junkyard dog to keep her away. And now she was having to deal with her recalcitrant-to-the-point-of-mute husband telling her their marriage was over. My family life, if odd, had been pretty stable these past twenty years…and now it would be broken once more.

I needed to go home. At the thought, my eyes filled with completely unexpected tears. I didn’t want to leave Nick…but I really had to take a step back. Nick wouldn’t be happy about it. He might even be furious, and my heart died a little at the thought of disappointing him again, of being away from him. I loved Nick, had always loved him, that was undeniable. But maybe…maybe we both needed to step back a little and think. If we were going to work out, we had to be smarter than we were last time. Not to mention the fact that I had a family, a career, people who were waiting for me to come home. I had a cactus, damn it.

I wiped my eyes—holy testicle Tuesday, look at me, crying twice in the same decade, would wonders never cease? Coco cocked her cunning little head and looked at me as if affirming my thoughts. “Time to go home, Coco?” I whispered. She licked my elbow. The hammering of my heart told me I was running away…but sometimes flight was the best course of action. I’d never been able to win a fight with Nick, after all. He could sell a swimming pool to a dolphin.

Taking a deep breath, I typed a quick reply to Bev—I should be home tonight, Bev. Call you later, okay? Then I clicked open my browser and went to the Expedia website. Booked a flight on the five o’clock shuttle to Boston, then a seat on the puddle jumper that would take me to the island. Emailed the office. Packed up my clothes, noting distantly that my hands were shaking. Looked for Coco’s bunny rabbit, which she enjoyed hiding so I could fetch it. She trotted beside me, amused that I couldn’t just sniff the air and find the ratty old thing.

There it was, under the sleek couch in the living room. Coco barked twice, congratulating me. “Found it,” I confirmed, groping for it. Just then, my cell phone rang, then chirped to indicate the low battery. Right. I still hadn’t found my charger; may have left it at one of our stops across country. I handed Coco her beloved and then ran to answer the phone. The screen read Dennis, and an unexpected wave of guilt washed over me. “Hi, Den! Everything okay?”

“Hey, Harp! How are you?”

Beep. “Um, I’m doing fine,” I answered. “Hey, my battery’s low. What’s up?”

“Everything’s fine. Um, I was just wondering if you knew when you were coming home. You’ve been gone kind of a long time, that’s all.”

This was…new. Dennis generally wasn’t the type to call and check on anything; he’d always left that to me. “Well, actually, I just booked a flight for later today.”

“Oh, great! I’ll pick you up!”

Beep. “No, no, that’s okay, Dennis. You don’t have to. I’ll just grab a cab. It’s only ten miles.”

“No, dude, it’s totally okay! You’ll need a ride, right? What time?”

“Um…seven-thirty? But Dennis, please don’t—” Beep.

“Cool! See you then.” With that, my battery gave up the ghost. With a growl of frustration, I picked up Nick’s phone and called Dennis back. I really didn’t want to see Dennis first thing upon landing; life was enough of a snarl. And it wasn’t like him to be so…helpful. Maybe he felt some guilt of his own for not accepting my proposal. Whatever. My call went straight to voice mail…typical. “Dennis here, leave a message!”