Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(96)

"No way... never does anything like that," Jacob said sarcastically.

She'd caught that, had she? Did she realize that it was only weakness and selfishness that kept me here? Did she think less of me for that?

"Perceptive," I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her expression. I hurried to contradict her assumption. "That's exactly why you're wrong, though - " I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation.

They bothered me, though I wasn't sure I understood exactly. "What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"

"Well, look at me," she said.

"There is nothing wrong with the way you look," Jacob said to her, there was no joking in his voice as he said this.

Bella blushed a little with the sincerity of his voice.

I was looking. All I ever did was look at her. What did she mean?

"I'm absolutely ordinary," she explained. "Well, except for the bad things like all the near death experiences and being so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. And look at you." She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it wasn't worth spelling out.

She thought she was ordinary? She thought that I was somehow preferable to her? In whose estimation? Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. Cope? How could she not realize that she was the most beautiful...most exquisite...

Bella blushed, but she knew that was too much to say... he was only thinking that because he liked her... still it wasn't so bad that he was thinking that.

"Looks aren't everything, Bells," Jacob said, "and you have both looks and a good heart..."

"Stop, Jake," Bella said, he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.

Those words weren't even enough.

And she had no idea.

"You don't see yourself very clearly, you know," I told her. "I'll admit you're dead-on about the bad things..." I laughed humorlessly. I did not find the evil fate who haunted her comical. The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny. Endearing.

Bella rolled her eyes; of course he would think that.

Would she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out? Perhaps she would find corroboration more persuasive. "But you didn't hear what every human male was thinking on your first day."

Bella shivered, she didn't want to hear that either.

Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts. The speed with which they'd turned to impossible fantasies. Impossible, because she wanted none of them.

I was the one she said yes to.

My smile must have been smug.

Her face was blank with surprise. "I don't believe it," she mumbled.

"Trust me just this once - you are the opposite of ordinary."

Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world.

She wasn't used to compliments, I could see that. Another thing she would just have to get used to. She flushed, and changed the subject.

"Well, that one is going to be more difficult," Bella mumbled.

"But I'm not saying goodbye."

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it..." Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing? I shook my head in despair. I would have to find the strength. She deserved a life. Not what Alice had seen coming for her. "If leaving is the right thing to do..." And it had to be the right thing, didn't it? There was no reckless angel. Bella didn't belong with me. "Then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

"But it wouldn't stop from hurting me," Bella mumbled softly, almost painfully as she thought of that.

As I said the words, I willed them to be true.

She glared at me. Somehow, my words had angered her. "And you don't think I would do the same?" she demanded furiously.

"Would you?" Jacob asked.

Bella looked thoughtful for a moment; she was so lost in Edward's thoughts that it was hard to gather her own. "Yes, if I knew it was better for him... I would have to, wouldn't I?" she said, but she was shaking her head at the same time, she knew it couldn't be better for him if she left so it was ridiculous to even think of that.

So furious - so soft and so fragile. How could she ever hurt anyone? "You'd never have to make the choice," I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference between us.

She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the little pucker between them.

There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble.

"I have a guardian vampire and that's better," Bella said.

"Um... that doesn't sound better to me," Jacob shook his head and Bella just shrugged.

Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire.

I smiled. How I loved my excuse to stay. "Of course, keeping you safe is beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence."

She smiled, too. "No one has tried to do away with me today," she said lightly, and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again.

"Yet," I added dryly.

"Yet," she agreed to my surprise. I'd expected her to deny any need for protection.