Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(63)

And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life - the life of a killer - for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood - even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes - wouldn't she sense the difference?

"That depends," Bella said.

"On?" Jacob encouraged her to continue her thought.

"On whether he acts differently or not," Bella said. "If he starts acting even more moody than he already is, it would be hard to miss."

"Would you forgive him... if he did kill this guy?" Jacob asked.

"I don't think he's the monster that he seems to think he is," Bella said in a way to answer.

"That's not an answer," Jacob said.

"I don't want him to kill him," Bella said, "but it wouldn't change the way I think of him."

I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.

"What's wrong?" she whispered.

Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her...she still made my mouth water.

Jacob shivered at that, a little afraid how he would react to this in his maddened state, but he wasn't too worried.

"How does my scent make it so he doesn't deserve me?" Bella said a little angrily.

I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.

"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay.

"It really is a wonder why you would be confused by this guy at all," Jacob chuckled. "He's not conflicted at all."

"But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those..." Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."

"Oh."

She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.

"Why would you be screaming?" Jacob asked.

"Because he admitted that he wanted to hunt those people down," Bella said after a moment's thought. "I think. You know because most humans wouldn't say something like that."

"Yeah, right," Jacob said angrily. "I wouldn't mind hunting those bastards down."

"Then maybe it was something else," Bella shrugged.

It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be.

What I couldn't be.

"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."

Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?

"The latter," Bella answered, she was sure that she wanted him around right about now... and that it might be his presence that was keeping her so calm at the moment.

I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him...

If it was impossible - if I could never have nor deserve this girl - then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much...

"Don't," Bella said, she didn't want him to do that and then give up on her...

No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.

We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.

"That would not be good," Jacob tensed, he thoughts going to the sick bastard.

"No... it wouldn't," Bella shivered.

It was not a good night for them to be wandering -

"How did you know where...?" Bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and I realized that I had made yet another gaffe. I'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.

But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.

What did that mean?

"I don't know," Bella said, she was questioning her reaction just as much as Edward had.

Jacob started chuckling at her expression.

"So I guess that's the face that you make when you're annoyed that Edward can't just read your mind so you would know what your book self was thinking," Jacob said laughing harder as Bella stuck her tongue out at him.

Well, I didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. I opened my door.

"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.

Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order. "I'm taking you to dinner."

Bella smiled at that. Dinner... with Edward!