Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(210)

I looked at her gauze covered wrist, my original thoughts surfacing. "That's not the worst part, though," I continued, ignoring her previous words of comfort."Not seeing you there on the floor... crumpled and broken." The words caught in my throat. "Not thinking I was too late. Not even hearing you scream in pain -- all those unbearable memories that I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity. No, the very worst was feeling... knowing that I couldn't stop. Believing that I was going to kill you myself," my voice tailed away feebly as the memory of her blood in my mouth, swirling sweetly down my throat, surfaced.

"But you didn't," she pointed out.

"I could have. So easily."

Her breath came a little quicker again. Panic was obvious in her eyes. Did she finally understand that she should fear me?

"Promise me," she whispered.

"What?"

"You know what." She gave me an insolent stare. I was wrong; she didn't fear me, just the opposite.

How can I promise to never leave when I know one day I will have to? Not now, though. I can't leave her now when she needs me. Still, I gazed uncertainly towards her, my eyes automatically tightening. A lurking doubt resurfaced in my mind. She's here because of me. This is my fault. If I stay - this might happen again. I couldn't have that. I could feel the warmth of her pulse in the air and on my skin. Trying to master myself I realized that my time with her was ticking away. Hearing her voice - an extraordinary tonic, I might add - after the two days of complete and utter silence, settled my thoughts.

"I don't seem to be strong enough to stay away from you, so I suppose that you'll get your way... whether it kills you or not," my tone growing more forlorn with each word.

"Good." She stated firmly. "You told me how you stopped... now I want to know why," she demanded.

"Why?" I repeated warily, I hadn't recovered from the shock of the question.

"Why you did it. Why didn't you just let the venom spread? By now I would be just like you."

Her words fell oddly upon my ears and were an unpleasant surprise. Words I didn't expect to hear come out of her mouth. Where did she learn this? In that precise moment it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Alice. A scathing noise escaped my lips as I thought about this. She was a bit sneakier than I realized. But telling Bella about vampire transformations was crossing the line. I couldn't suppress a shiver of loathing. I could feel my nostrils flaring as my lips grew tighter together. I didn't respond, not knowing if Alice really told her, or if it was another one of those legends she read about and was merely guessing how the conversion worked.

Bella broke the silence. "I'll be the first to admit that I have no experience with relationships, but it just seems logical... a man and woman have to be somewhat equal... as in, one of them can't always be swooping in and saving the other one. They have to save each other equally."

It seems her knowledge is not as extensive as I first thought. Of course, in movies and books vampires had to bite their victims to turn them. It was easy for her to deduct these things. Instead of getting angry, I folded my arms on the side of her bed and rested my chin on my arms. Still, I will have to have a...talk...with Alice.

I thought about what Bella said though, about saving each other equally. She doesn't realize how much she has saved me, how she pulled me out of the deepest depression that even Jasper has ever seen. My whole family has fallen in love with Bella merely for what her presence has done for me.

"You have saved me," I said quietly, letting her in on my revelation.

"I can't always be Lois Lane," she insisted, ignoring me. "I want to be Superman, too."

Her statements still had me utterly bewildered. She wanted to be a vampire. Of all things in the world that she could ask for, she asks for the one thing I refuse to give. I was unsure of the best way to approach the subject. Bella, I might kill you in the process and you will burn for three days and beg for death before you finally turn into a vampire who never sleeps and is always aching to quench ones thirst. No, that is too much information.

"You don't know what you're asking." I stared at the edge of her pillowcase, afraid she might see my thoughts displayed across my face.

"I think I do."

"Bella, you don't know. I've had almost ninety years to think about this, and I'm still not sure," I tried not to succumb to the rage I felt bubbling under my skin. Why was she pushing this subject?

"Do you wish that Carlisle hadn't saved you?"

"No, I don't wish that." I used to, but now I realize my fate included Bella, and I would have never met her without Carlisle's rash decision to turn me. "But my life was over. I wasn't giving anything up."

"You are my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose," she admitted, not the least bit embarrassed.

No matter how much she pleaded with me, I would never take her soul. It wasn't up for debate.

"I can't do it, Bella. I won't do that to you."

"Why not?" She croaked. "Don't tell me it's too hard! After today, or I guess it was a few days ago... anyway, after that, it should be nothing."

I glared at her. A positively dangerous look crept across my face.

"And the pain?" I asked, curious.