Letting Go (Surrender Trilogy #1)(2)

As they drove out of Joss’s exclusive subdivision, Dash reached over for her hand, lacing his fingers through hers, and as he’d done before, he squeezed lightly, a gesture of reassurance.

Joss turned and smiled at him, telling him without words that she was okay. As they stopped at a red light, Dash studied her intently, almost as if he were trying to decipher what was different about her.

Evidently satisfied with whatever he’d seen in her eyes or expression, he smiled back, but he kept hold of her hand as he navigated through traffic on the way to the cemetery, just a few miles from where Joss and Carson had lived.

They drove in comfortable silence, but then they’d never conversed much on the day Dash drove her to the cemetery every year. Oh, Joss visited at other times, but Dash always accompanied her on the anniversary.

But that wasn’t the only time she saw Dash. He’d stepped in from the moment Carson had passed away and he’d been her rock ever since. That first year especially, she’d needed him desperately and he never hesitated, no matter what she needed, whether it was help deciphering the paperwork and red tape after her husband’s death or simply coming over to keep her company on the days she felt herself falling apart.

She would be forever grateful for Dash and his unwavering support over the last three years, but it was time to move on. It was time for her to stand on her own two feet and it was time for Dash to stop having to babysit her.

Today was not only about her letting go of Carson, but of Dash as well. He deserved more than to be saddled with the responsibility of his best friend’s widow. He had a life of his own. She had no idea of his relationships or if he was even in a steady relationship. She realized with sudden clarity just how selfish and self-absorbed she’d been since her husband’s death. Dash had been a steady fixture, one she’d taken for granted, but she would do it no longer. It would be a miracle if Dash were in a steady relationship because not many women would be tolerant of Dash dropping everything to rush to the aid of his best friend’s widow.

When they arrived at the cemetery, Dash parked and Joss immediately got out, not waiting for him to come around for her. She opened the door to the backseat and leaned in to retrieve the flowers.

“I’ll get them, Joss.”

Dash’s low voice brushed over her ears, causing a prickle at her nape. She picked up the vase and turned with a reassuring smile.

“I’ve got it, Dash. I’m okay.”

He gave her an inscrutable stare and she got the impression he was studying her again, trying to peel back the layers and get into her head. It was as if he knew something was different but couldn’t put his finger on it. Which was just as well, because Joss would die if Dash could read her thoughts. If he knew just what it was she’d planned and how she intended to move on with her life.

He’d be horrified, no doubt. He’d wonder if she’d finally snapped and he’d probably haul her into a shrink’s office so fast it would make her head spin. Which was why she had no intention of letting him know.

Her girlfriends were another matter. Chessy would understand absolutely. She’d even be encouraging. Kylie . . . not so much.

Kylie was Joss’s sister-in-law, Carson’s only sibling. They’d both grown up in horrific circumstances, and just as Carson could never provide what Joss craved—needed—neither would Kylie ever understand what drove Joss.

She might even be angry with Joss’s choices. Might think it was a betrayal of her brother. Joss could only hope she’d support Joss even if she didn’t fully understand.

But she was getting ahead of herself. First the cemetery and talking to Carson one last time. Then she’d tackle her best friends over lunch. She needed as much as possible to keep busy today, because tonight?

Tonight was when it all began.

Joss waited for the betraying sting of tears as they neared Carson’s grave. But oddly, she felt at peace for the first time in three long years. Yes, it was time.

She knelt and gently brushed away the leaves and dust at the base of the headstone before setting the vase of flowers in the middle. Her gaze drifted upward to the inscription. The reminder of Carson’s birth and death.

Her finger slowly traced the words. Beloved husband, brother and best friend. Those words said it all. A reminder of those left behind who mourned him still. She’d insisted that Dash be honored on the headstone, as he was every bit as much family as herself and Kylie. She only wished they’d had children so his legacy and memory would live on through them.

But as with any young couple, they’d thought they had all the time in the world. Carson was apprehensive about having children. He feared that he shared the same genetic traits that his father had possessed. No matter how many times Joss had gently reminded him that he was nothing like his father, Carson still lived in fear of hurting those he loved the most.

She understood his fear. She knew how much he loved her. She also knew he’d die before ever hurting her or any children they had. But the darkness of his past still overshadowed his present. The past still haunted his dreams at night. Though Kylie, his sister, hadn’t spoken of it often, Joss knew that Kylie had the same nightmares that Carson had. That she shared many of the same sleepless nights Carson experienced.

A wave of sadness overtook Joss. Such a waste. Carson’s father had destroyed the lives of two innocent children. Worse, he lived on well into their adulthood, influencing their choices, always living in their fears even though he was dead. He still held them in his grasp from the grave, his memory and the memories of all he did torturing them still.