Letting Go (Surrender Trilogy #1)(17)

“Now about that promise?”

She slowly drew away and looked him in the eye. “I promise, Dash. Just give me a little time to sort through all of this. It’s been a difficult day for me, and everything I thought was going to be, didn’t turn out the way I expected at all. I need to process this.”

He nodded and started to speak, but she continued on in a rush.

“I don’t want to use you, Dash. And maybe I was okay with using a stranger. Someone who didn’t mean anything to me. But I won’t use you. Not you. I won’t use you as a crutch or some experiment. You mean too much to me. Your friendship means too much to me.”

He smiled and tenderly stroked a piece of hair from her cheek to behind her ear. “But honey, I don’t mind if you use me. As long as the end result is having you. I’ve used all manner of women over the past few years. I’m not proud of that fact, but it is what it is. They were all a poor substitute for what I couldn’t have at the time. You.”

“You pretended they were me?” she whispered in an astonished tone.

He nodded. “Again, I’m not proud of it. But there it is. I couldn’t have you, so I slaked my hunger and desire for you with other women. And maybe it changes the way you’ll look at me. It’s a chance I have to take. But I won’t lie to you. There have certainly been other women. I thought I was in a position to never have what I most wanted, so I dealt with it.”

“I don’t fault you for being with other women, Dash. God, how could I? I was married. I would have never expected you to be faithful to a woman who wasn’t even yours!”

“I’m glad,” he said simply. “Because, honey? Once I have you, there’ll never be another woman. And you can take that to the bank.”

Her eyes widened in surprise again. It was as if it had all just sunk in at once. Her eyes dulled and went hazy with shock. Her body trembled and she balled her fingers together to try to hide the fact that they were shaking.

“I want you to stay here tonight, Joss.”

He held up his hand when the protest formed on her lips. And then he cupped her chin, stroking his thumb down her jawline.

“You’ve been thrown one hell of a curveball. I get that. And I’m not asking you to go to bed with me. Not yet. Not tonight. But stay here in the guest room. I’d feel better if you weren’t alone. I’ll make us breakfast in the morning and then I’ll take you home. And then I’ll give you time. In the morning we’ll set a date. Dinner. Dancing. Whatever pleases you. Then you can give me your answer, and depending on the answer, we’ll go from there.”

She swallowed visibly and he could see the indecision in her eyes. Her weighing her options and trying to absorb the events of the day.

“Stay,” he whispered, angling his head to kiss her again.

She emitted a sweet sigh as his tongue pushed in to taste her all over again. Kissing her was addictive. Now that he’d kissed her for the first time, he knew it would never be enough. He wanted to taste her everywhere. Her br**sts. He wanted to get between her legs and savor every inch of her feminine flesh. And then he wanted to brand her. Possess her in every conceivable fashion there was to possess a woman. Until she had no doubt as to his ownership. No doubt that he was the last man who’d ever make love to her.

“Stay,” he said again, as he reluctantly ended the kiss and drew away.

She sucked in a breath and then exhaled it in a long wave, her shoulders slumping downward with the action.

“All right,” she conceded. “I’ll stay.”

SIX

WHEN Joss walked into Dash’s kitchen the next morning, he knew she hadn’t slept well, if at all. But then neither had he. How could he when he was imagining her in the next bedroom? So f**king close and yet a world away. Out of reach. He’d lain in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, alternately thanking and cursing fate.

He was so close. This close to having his heart’s desire, and he kept wondering if this was all some sick joke fate was playing on him. Dangling the proverbial carrot in front of his nose only to cruelly yank it away. What if Joss backed out? What if she’d acted on impulse and after careful consideration chose to change her mind?

He couldn’t handle it. It had been bad enough before when he’d known he had no chance with her. But now? Now that he’d kissed her, had tasted her, had held her in his arms? He couldn’t bear it if he lost her now. Before he even had her once.

Not that once would ever be enough. Not with her. Other women? Once had been all he’d ever wanted. He hadn’t wanted to form relationships even though not doing so was torture in itself. He saw Joss and Carson. Was tortured by what they had and by knowing he’d never have the same.

Most of the time he sucked it up and dealt. But the nights when he couldn’t, when he was lonely and aching for what could never be, he’d gone to The House. Sated his needs and then went back to his self-induced purgatory.

He hoped to f**k that was over. For good. He could only hope. If willing it made it happen, then she’d have already been in his bed. Tied to it so she’d never leave.

Desperate? That didn’t even cover it. Not by a long shot.

He had no pride when it came to Joss. And he didn’t give one damn.

He poured a cup of her favorite coffee and slid it along the bar as she sat down. She was wearing one of his T-shirts, a fact that made him absurdly happy, and a pair of pajama bottoms she’d had to cinch tight to keep from falling down her hips. Not that he would have minded . . .