Jet (Marked Men #2)(66)

I could feel shame burn in the back of my throat, but those tears had long since fallen, and if I was going to cry now, it was going to be for the absolute look of betrayal, of disappointment that had crossed Jet’s face, without my even having to say a word.

“I was young and stupid, and at first I thought it was so cool that all my brother’s older friends wanted to hang out with me, and wanted to hook up with me. I thought I was popular and that I was living beyond the stereotype of trailer trash. Eventually, it became clear that Asa was using me, and he used my well-earned reputation of party girl—the girl who never said no to anyone or anything—in order to have access to the kids with money, the kids with drugs, the kids with whatever it was he wanted to get his hands on at the time. It’s amazing where a short skirt and a bad reputation will get you, and Asa exploited it for all he was worth. Had I been smarter, maybe more aware of myself and what was going on, I could have saved myself a lot of regret and painful memories.”

I finally risked a look at Shaw and some of the bitter edge had faded from her green gaze, but her mouth was still pressed in a tight line that didn’t look at all forgiving.

“I started messing around with drugs to make it more tolerable, to make it seem less like I was exactly what everyone was saying I was. Half the time I was doing what I was doing to keep Asa out of trouble or because I thought it would help a situation he had created, which made me feel awful time and time again. To this day I never asked if he knew what it cost me to help him in any way I could. He’s never said because I don’t think either of us could look the other in the eye if the truth was out there.”

Shaw’s mouth go flat concern, but she waited silently for me to continue. I wasn’t sure the concern was for the old me or the new me, but either way I just needed her to understand why I was making the decisions the way I was.

“I had a science teacher in high school, Mr. Kelly, who was keeping an eye on me. I always managed to get pretty good grades, even though I missed more classes than I ever attended. I guess he saw the wasted potential, the girl trapped by circumstance, and I think he had dealt with Asa a few years earlier, so he knew what my brother was capable of. He threatened to call the Kentucky Cabinet for Health and Family Services and get the state involved if my mama didn’t get her act together, and I guess it was enough to get her motivated to have Asa back off. Mr. Kelly forced me to fill out scholarship application after scholarship application, and hounded me until I practically got a perfect sixteen-hundred on the SAT. I guess I knew it was my one shot to get out of Woodward and if I didn’t do it, I was going to end up strung out and paying rent on my back, just like my mama.”

I shifted uncomfortably in the seat and shot a look around to make sure no one was listening in on our conversation. I was embarrassed to have all my dirty laundry out there. Not that I didn’t trust Shaw; it was just a wound that had never healed completely, and having someone else look at it made it open and bleed all over again.

“I got a partial scholarship to DU. Not enough to cover everything, but room and board were included and Mr. Kelly was so desperate for me to get away from Woodward and Asa’s influence that he pulled money out of his retirement account to make up the difference. Once I qualified for student loans, I paid him back as soon as I could. I got the Jeep at a junkyard and some of the guys who took auto shop fixed it up for some weed I stole from Asa. I hit the road and never looked back. When we moved into that dorm together, and I saw you all proper and elegant, I told myself that was what I was going to be from now on. No one was going to make me do anything I didn’t want to do, no one was going to question my worth or my value as a woman, no one was ever going to doubt that I was intelligent and driven. I was going to be all the things no one had ever given my mama a chance to be, and I wasn’t ever going back to Woodward. Asa was effectively dead to me. I had to get out from under the cloud of what I had let myself become.”

I blew out a breath and saw Shaw raise an eyebrow at me. This is where the favor I asked for came in.

“Only Asa isn’t dead or in jail. He’s here in Denver and he brought all the crap from Woodward here with him. There’s a guy named Silas in town who does really awful things for really terrible people back home. He’s the one who tried to break into the house when Cora was home. Apparently, Asa took something—some important book—from a biker gang and they want it back, bad. Silas will do whatever it takes to get the gang’s book, and I know Asa well enough to know he’ll do whatever he has to in order to keep it, if he thinks he can make money off of it. Asa has always counted on me to fix all his problems and I have no doubt my mom sent him out here for me to take care of him.”

Shaw clicked her fingernails on the table and tilted her head to one side.

“All right, Ayd. That sucks, really sucks, and I’m glad you finally told me all of it. I could kill the people who’ve hurt you. But I just don’t understand what any of this terrible story has to do with you breaking up with Jet, when you are clearly head over heels for him? When he would never treat you badly.”

I cringed, because there wasn’t anything in this world that was ever going to erase the look on his face when I dropped him off at the studio. The light that circled the outside of those midnight eyes had dimmed to the point of being black.

“We weren’t together, so I didn’t really break up with him.” That was as much as I could minimize the damage even if it was a blatant lie. I hadn’t just walked away from him and whatever it was we were building together, I had done what I do best—run.