In The Afterlight (The Darkest Minds #3)(43)

“There’s no way to get it back?” Tommy asked.

“No,” Nico said. “We’ve tried everything. The files are gone.”

“We still have the research on the cure, though,” I said quickly. The Greens had copied it down again and uploaded it into our lone laptop. All fifteen indecipherable pages of it. “And we’ll work from there. But in the meantime, I think we should move forward with freeing the camps—it’s the right thing to do, and our strongest strategy to hold Gray accountable for what’s happened to us. But I—we—” I motioned back to Cole, “there’s no way we can do this alone. So I have to ask, are you guys with us? It’s okay if you’re afraid, or you don’t want to participate in the Ops. It really is, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s so much to do here that you’ll still be a part of it. Or, once it’s a little safer, we can find a way for you to go home to your parents.”

I waited until they were nodding, or had voiced their consent. “The best way to do this, then, is to think through a potential plan for a camp hit together. Can we break up into smaller groups, maybe four or five kids each, and just start thinking about how we could pull something like this off—it doesn’t matter if it seems crazy, or if we don’t have the materials we need now. Just be creative and we’ll run from there.”

I let them divvy themselves up, and was proud of the way they mixed the old League teams and the new arrivals we’d picked up along with Zu. Cole slapped a hand on my shoulder, grinning his approval, as he began making his rounds. I smiled back, feeling light enough to jump from the floor to the rafters above.

And just like that, the sensation was gone. A silent, heavy presence came up behind me, falling over me like a shadow. I didn’t need to turn to know it was Chubs. Irritation crept in the longer he punished me with that oppressive silence. I turned away, watching Vida perched like a queen in the middle of a group containing Tommy, Pat, and two other League kids. They crowned her with praise and wonder and adoration for a good three minutes before she deigned to give her input to their proposal.

“When are you going to start looping us in on these things earlier?” Chubs finally asked. “It feels like you’re springing things on us because you know we’ll disagree with something.”

I blew out the breath I’d been holding through my nostrils, returning his hard stare with one of my own. “It sounds like the real issue here is that you don’t trust me to make good calls without you.”

Cole had warned me this would happen—he’d told me that I had too many voices weighing in on my choices, and that was why I never felt fully secure in making them. They’d told me over and over that they trusted me, that they had faith. Clearly that wasn’t actually the case.

“Why did you let Liam go out?” I demanded. “He wasn’t even armed.”

He threw his hands up into the air. “They’re freaking Blues! Oh my God, Ruby, you have to—look, never mind, it’s not—”

“I have to what?”

Chubs gave me a narrow look, one I turned right back on him.

“Okay, look,” he said, beginning with a deep breath. “However you want to define what’s between you and Lee, that’s none of my business. And, honestly, it’s stressful trying to keep up with the circles you run around each other. It becomes my business when one of my best friends starts treating the other the way you’ve been treating him lately.”

“What do you mean?”

“Holding him at arm’s length. You’re just...here, but not here, you know?” he said. “Even when you’re with us, you’re not even really present. You zone out, you dodge topics, you hold back. And every once in a while you’ll just...disappear. Is there something else you’re not telling us?”

“You’ve been so busy picking apart everything I do, but you don’t seem to have any idea what that is. I’m disappearing?” I said. “Try training, to make sure I don’t make an ass out of myself getting these kids in shape. Try planning, to make sure no one gets hurt or killed. Try dealing with Clancy, because no one else can.”

My voice had dropped to a furious whisper and the force of it had clearly stunned him. He reached out, taking my shoulder, his expression going soft as mine went hard. I hated the way he was studying me.

“I just want you to talk to us,” he said. “I know it can’t be like before, but I miss it. I miss...” Chubs shook his head. “I didn’t mean to jump down your throat.”

“Well, you did,” I said with a sigh.

“Because you needed to hear it from someone,” Chubs said. “From my perspective, you’ve thrown your hat in with the Asshole Brother—which, fine. But don’t forget who’s been pushing for these camp hits to happen basically from the second we arrived at East River. Don’t you remember? Liam thought he had it all figured out and was all Lee-like because he was working and making a difference and seeing some kind of result in the kids around him. You have to let him do something, Ruby. What I want to know is, are you upset that Liam went out without getting your permission?”

I shook my head in disbelief, thoughts as tangled as my feelings. “Because it’s dangerous! Because he could be captured or killed! And I can’t—” The words choked off and I was surprised by the rush of emotion that slammed into me. Frustration, anger, and, above all, fear. “I can’t lose another person....”