In Her Wake (Ten Tiny Breaths 0.5)(14)
I slice open the clear tape that seals the contents—knowing I’ll find as much of my childhood as Sasha’s inside. A mishmash of things that I recognize well: A never-worn Notre Dame jersey that Sasha bought nine years ago, when Cyril and my dad took us down to a game. Ironic that we ended up playing for one of their rival teams. A well-used Nintendo game box with every version of Halo ever made. I kicked Sasha’s ass in every single one of them. He had to replace the controllers twice after whipping them against the wall in anger. A binder with his baseball card collection, including his prized Mickey Mantle card.
Beneath a bunch of ticket stubs from games and concerts that we had seen together—it’s not so much that Sasha was a nostalgic guy as he just got into the habit of tossing those into his sock drawer—is a folded piece of paper.
When I open it up and find the four lines in a child’s large print staring back at me, a chill rushes through me. I haven’t seen this in years. Sasha, Derek, and I wrote the friendship pact in second grade, after I got pissed off at Sasha for lying about a doctor’s appointment and ditching me to play with Derek. We didn’t talk to each other for four days. An eternity, back then. When we finally made amends—thanks to the intervention of our mothers, who were tired of seeing their sons moping around every night after school—we made the pact.
Friends and brothers forever.
We will never lie to each other.
Your stuff is my stuff and my stuff is your stuff.
We will never leave a man behind.
Slightly dramatic, especially for three seven-year-olds. The words blur behind my unshed tears but I’m chuckling. That last line must have had something to do with the G.I. Joe comics we were obsessed with. The three brown stains on the bottom, where we jabbed ourselves with Susan’s sewing needle and signed with our bloody fingerprints, added a nice touch.
The page slips from my fingers and floats down to land soundlessly in the box. I kick the box once, sending it sliding across the floor. And then I fall back onto the mattress, a wave of bitterness coursing through my veins.
I don’t know if Sasha ever lied to me in the fourteen years in between, but I know he lied to me again three months ago, when he said he was fine to drive. When he held his hand out. I trusted him and he lied.
And they both sure as hell left me behind.
There’s a loud knock against the front door. I contemplate not answering it, but it’s probably Rich. At least I hope it’s Rich. As much as I’m not ready for him, I’m definitely not ready to deal with any surprise guests.
The sight of him standing on my doorstep knocks the air out of my lungs.
“Hey.” He bites his bottom lip as he holds out a hand, as if he’s as uneasy about this reunion as I am.
When I offer him my right hand, he shakes it for one, two, three seconds, before I see a decision flicker through his eyes and he pulls me into him in a hug. “Good to see you again, man,” he says, his voice suddenly husky.
I swallow against the flood of emotions that hits me and simply nod, backing up to give him some room.
He doesn’t enter, though, his gaze drifting down the long hall. He came here with Derek before. It must be weird for him too. “How about we grab that drink? Looks like a happening Friday night downstairs.”
I grab my keys from the hook by the door and follow him out without a word.
■ ■ ■
It took five pints for Rich to bring the accident up after mindless babble about everything but that night. “I still can’t believe it happened. I had no idea you guys were heading out. If I had known, I would have stopped you. I swear.”
I imagine that’s the standard response anyone would give after hosting a party where a guest leaves drunk and kills five people plus himself. I could answer with, “If I had known Sasha was drunk, I wouldn’t have given him the keys,” but that sounds like an excuse. There are no excuses. So, I simply nod and take another long haul of my beer. I thought I was going to puke on the first one but, after choking it down, the rest have gone down too easy.
“I miss him. We had some good laughs growing up, me and Derek. Even though he was two years younger than me.” Rich’s blue eyes survey the young crowd, I’m guessing mainly students who decided to stay around and take summer classes. I recognize one or two faces but I avoid eye contact. Judging by their frequent glances over, they know who I am. “It sure stirred up a shit storm in our family. It’s been radio silence between my mom and my aunt for months now. She wanted to sue me for hosting the party. Luckily my uncle talked her out of that. I know she’s just angry and hurt. Suing me isn’t going to change anything.”
“Yeah, it’s crazy what people will do when they’re grieving.” Though my parents haven’t said too much, I know that the parents of Billy, Kacey’s boyfriend, are still looking to sue my dad for more money and my dad’s looking to avoid that mess by settling out of court.
He waves down the waitress for another drink as he sets his beer down. “How are Sasha’s parents doing? And your girlfriend?”
“They seem to be moving on. Madison and I are . . . taking a break.” When I saw Madison loading her suitcase in her car, I went out to say goodbye. She crumbled in my arms all over again.
“Shit. How are you with that? With all of this?” I feel his gaze on me as I swish my beer around in my glass.