Illuminae (The Illuminae Files #1)(18)
She told us about the girls, and her husband. She said she thinks a lot about whether Katya and Julie were scared at the end. That she wasn’t there for them. And then she started gasping for breath. Short, sharp, hoarse breaths, like she couldn’t drag in enough air, her whole body shaking.
Some people, when they lose it, they scream, they fight. I hope that would be me. Martha just slowly slid down off her chair and folded in on herself. Everyone stared at her like she was contagious, and I reached out like—I don’t know, maybe I was going to touch her or something. And suddenly she was crying. Long, low moans that sounded like they were wrenched out of her. All her grief and pain in those noises, like her body couldn’t hold it any longer. One piece too many got added to the load, and she couldn’t do it anymore.
The group leader called the medics, and by now Martha’s probably under sedation, but I’m not.
I’m lying awake in bed, wondering what will happen if one piece too many gets added to my load. Wondering if there’s any way out for Martha. Any chance she’ll ever be okay.
I can hear every sound in my dorm, every rustle as someone turns over, every sigh.
It’s impossible to sleep.
There are a lot more of us on board than there were ever supposed to be—the Hypatia’s a research vessel, so they have a lot of space, but most of it was intended for samples, labs, stuff like that. There are over 2,000 of us jammed in where there used to be just 500 crew.
My living quarters used to be a storage facility for geological specimens, by which I basically mean rocks. The air leaves a sharp, metallic tang in your mouth, almost salty. It clings to your hair, so you carry it with you and the scent wafts around you when you turn your head. The air is also HOT and kind of humid, because the scrubbers just weren’t designed to recyc for this many people. Makes you really, really wish we weren’t on water rations. You get used to it, though.
They’ve taken down the shelving and crammed sixteen of us in here. Each person has a bunk that’s kind of a shelf sticking out of the wall (you have a belt to stop yourself rolling out at night). Being the youngest in the dorm I’m up at the very top. I don’t mind being up high. Sometimes it almost feels safe.
But I still can’t sleep. This isn’t my room, isn’t my place.
There’s nothing around me that’s known, anymore. Sure, I have routines—there are times to eat, times to sleep, times to train. I just never realized on Kerenza, there was this background comfort level, the knowledge of safety, that was the bedrock under everything else. My big adventure was going to be college. My little adventures were hikes, choosing classes at school, Ezra, even.
I thought he was going to be a big adventure, but that’s a whole other thing.
Point is, I had no idea how safe I was, because I’d never been unsafe. Ezra said that to me once. He was right. I took it all for granted. The constant and comforting background static of the universe.
Now, though there are more routines than ever before, nothing’s certain. The Lincoln could catch up with us at any point. It’s months until we reach the waypoint to Heimdall. Even when we do, we’ve been isolated for half a year. We could be in the middle of a war, for all we know.
And beyond all that, command won’t tell us what’s happening. I’m pretty sure they’re lying to us about a lot of things that matter, though I don’t know why.
And right now, that’s just one uncertainty too many.
I don’t know my limit, but I’m scared to reach it. I don’t know what will happen if I do.
And I still can’t sleep.
ByteMe: Ezra, u there?
Mason, E, LT 2nd: Who this?
ByteMe: Kady.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: Hello, Dorian. Your timing is as shitty as your comedy
Mason, E, LT 2nd: You don’t happen to have a sister, do you?
ByteMe: It’s me, Ezra. I don’t know who Dorian is
Mason, E, LT 2nd: I can’t believe that scrub told you. McNulty’s vault has more leaks than a recycled baby baggie
ByteMe: That’s completely disgusting. We have 7 mins until I have to shut this thing down or they’ll be able to track it.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: Uh huh
ByteMe: This is not the reception I was hoping for. It’s ME.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: Prove it, he cried
ByteMe: How about … you sprained your ankle jumping out my bedroom window while I stalled my parents at the front door.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: … Kady?
ByteMe: This is what I’m saying. Yes, Kady.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: Well I feel sheepish …
ByteMe:baaaaaa
Mason, E, LT 2nd: How have you got access to IMs? Ship to ship comms are down?
ByteMe: You’re right, how is this happening??? WITCHCRAFT
Mason, E, LT 2nd: This isn’t like jacking the school system to give me a passing grade in chem. You could get into a lot of trouble
ByteMe: You did suck at chem. It’s fine, trust me. Short bursts, text only, undetectable if we keep it under 7 mins. Comms might be down, but command always leave themselves a back door open in case they want a heart to heart.
Mason, E, LT 2nd: … is that what this is? heart to heart?
ByteMe: Let’s not get carried away, I wouldn’t want to impose
ByteMe: Do you know why comms are down?
Mason, E, LT 2nd: All non essentials are offline.