If It Drives (Market Garden, #7)(40)

The last minute or so of the drive was silent, and Cal didn’t think he’d ever been so relieved to pull the car up in front of that familiar, massive house so this drive would be over. He parked and grabbed his cap, hoping the switch back to formality would alleviate some of the discomfort between them.

He pulled open James’s door, and when the man got out, Cal couldn’t quite look him in the eyes. They were on strange ground now. Cal felt like he was teetering between too many roles—employee, lover, Dom, friend—and he couldn’t say for certain which of those roles had overstepped his bounds.

“Why, Cal?” James whispered.

Cal swallowed. “Are you upset?”

James tensed, as if he hadn’t expected that question. “No, no, I’m not upset.” He held Cal’s gaze. “I guess I just . . . wasn’t expecting it. I don’t quite understand.”

Cal searched his expression, as if some quirk of his lips or narrowness of his eyes might tip his hand and reveal he really was upset. If he was anything but taken aback and just trying to wrap his head around things, though, he didn’t show it.

Cal resisted the urge to shift nervously. “You wanted something from me that first night. And you’d gone looking for Nick in particular, so I figured whatever it was, he’d given it to you before. So maybe he could help me figure out what it was, and how to give it to you.”

“But why?” James met his eyes again. “Why are you doing this . . . for me?”

“Because you need it. Or want it. One of the two.”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

Twin creases formed between James’s eyebrows. “What are you getting out of this?”

Cal reached for James’s face. “Do you really need to ask?”

James took his hand before he could make contact and held it. Spencer would simply have melted into the touch, but James wasn’t like Spencer at all. Outside the bedroom, there was still that type A personality, the charismatic finance wizard. “Help me understand one thing, Callum.”

Cal nodded.

“You were upset when I tried to give you money. And now you’re training to acquire some specialist skill to satisfy me? How exactly is that different? If it’s not you, then turning yourself into a version of Nick, how is that not prostitution?” He sounded mild, gentle.

Cal shook his head. “That’s not it at all. I want to do this.”

“If it’s not you, maybe doing it isn’t good for you.” James took half a step, brushing Cal. “I don’t want you to twist yourself and bend over backwards to press my buttons.”

“Except pushing your buttons is what pushes mine. And Nick . . . Nick seemed to know how to do that.”

James broke the eye contact and seemed to deflate a bit. “He wasn’t the only one I rented.”

“But you never asked for the others again.”

“It’s a very specialised skill set.”

“A specialised skill set that I’m learning.” Cal set his jaw. “I can do what he does.”

James briefly met his gaze. “Maybe I don’t want you to.”

Cal’s heart dropped. “Why not?”

“I want you as you are, Cal. There’s no need to play games. And maybe I want you to respect me. If a whore doesn’t respect me, I don’t . . . care. If somebody I know doesn’t . . .” He looked towards the house. “It’s different. I don’t think those two should be mixed.”

“R-respect you?” Cal shook his head. “You don’t think I respect you?”

James raised his eyebrow.

Cal sighed. “I do. If I didn’t respect you—or the things you want—I wouldn’t bother trying to learn how to do this. I just didn’t want you paying me as if I was one of those—”

“But you’re doing what I pay them to do.”

“Except I’m not doing it for the money.”

James turned to him, and Cal struggled to hold his gaze.

“That first night,” Cal said softly, “I liked it. A lot. And I liked the fact that you enjoyed it. The only reason I went to Nick was to learn how to do it better. Maybe so you wouldn’t need—” He cut himself off so abruptly, he almost bit his tongue.

“So I wouldn’t need what?”

Cal avoided his eyes. “The guys at Market Garden.”

James was silent. Completely still, completely silent. Finally, in an even, unreadable tone, he said, “You were asking earlier if I was free tomorrow night. Why?”

Suddenly it all seemed like a stupid idea. A terrible idea. But he couldn’t lie. The cat was already mostly out of the bag. “Would you be opposed to Nick, uh, joining us?”

James coughed like he’d just choked on nothing. “Joining us?”

“Yeah.” Cal cautiously raised his gaze and met James’s. “He said it might be easier for him to show me how to respond to your cues if you’re there with us.”

James turned towards the house, as if he needed something else to look at. He combed his fingers through his hair, then paused to rub his neck as if some fresh tension had formed beneath his skin. “Nick. Wow.”

“If you don’t want to, that’s fine.” Cal swallowed. “I just want to learn how to do this right.”