Hopeless (Hopeless #1)(99)

I laugh and shake my head.

“How about…calendula?”

I shake my head again. “I can’t even say that word.”

She crinkles up her nose. “Good point. I guess you need to be able to say your own name.” She looks down at the page again and reads a few more out loud, but I don’t like them. She turns the page one more time and says, “What about Linden? It’s more of a tree than an herb, but its leaves are shaped like a heart. Do you like hearts?”

I nod. “Linden,” I say. “I like that name.”

She smiles and closes the book, then leans down closer to me. “Well then, Linden Sky Davis it is. And just so you know, you now have the most beautiful name in the world. Let’s not think about your old names ever again, okay? Promise me from now on we’ll only think about your beautiful new name and your beautiful new life.”

“I promise,” I say. And I do promise. I don’t want to think about my old names or my old room or all the things that my daddy did to me when I was his princess. I love my new name. I love my new room where I don’t have to worry if the doorknob is going to turn.

I reach up and hug her and she hugs me back. It makes me smile, because it feels just like the way I thought it would feel every time I wished my mommy was alive to hug me.

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012 12:10 a.m.

I reach my hand up to my face and wipe away a tear. I’m not even sure why my tears are falling right now; the memory wasn’t really a sad one. I think it’s the fact that it’s one of the first moments I ever started to love Karen. Thinking about how much I love her makes me hurt because of what she did. It hurts because I feel like I don’t even know her. I feel like there’s a side to her that I never even knew existed.

That’s not what scares me the most, though. What scares me the most is that I’m afraid the only side of her I do know…doesn’t really exist at all.

“Can I ask you something?” Holder says, breaking the silence.

I nod against his chest, wiping the last tear from my cheek. He wraps both of his arms around me in an attempt to keep me warm when he feels me shiver against his chest. He rubs my shoulder with his hand and kisses my head.

“Do you think you’ll be okay, Sky?”

It’s not an uncommon question. It’s a very simple, straightforward question, yet it’s the hardest question I think I’ve ever had to answer.

I shrug. “I don’t know,” I reply honestly. I want to think I’ll be okay, especially knowing Holder will be by my side. But to be honest, I really don’t know if I will be.

“What scares you?”

“Everything,” I reply quickly. “I’m terrified of my past. I’m terrified of the memories that flood my mind every time I close my eyes. I’m terrified of what I saw happen today and how it’ll affect me the nights that you aren’t there to divert my thoughts. I’m terrified that I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with what may happen to Karen. I’m scared of the thought that I have no idea who she even is anymore.” I lift my head off of his chest and look him in the eyes. “But do you know what scares me the most?”

He runs his hand over my hair and keeps his eyes on mine; wanting me to know that he’s listening. “What?” he asks, his voice full of genuine concern.

“I’m scared of how disconnected I feel to Hope. I know we’re the same person, but I feel like what happened to her didn’t really happen to me. I feel like I abandoned her. Like I left her there, crying against that house, terrified for all of eternity, while I just got into that car and rode away. Now I’m two completely separate people. I’m this little girl, eternally scared to death…but I’m also the girl who abandoned her. I feel so guilty for putting up this wall between both lives and I’m scared neither of those lives or those girls will ever feel whole again.”

I bury my head in his chest, knowing I’m more than likely not making any sense. He kisses the top of my head and I look back up at the sky, wondering if I’ll ever be able to feel normal again. It was so much easier not knowing the truth.

“After my parents divorced,” he says. “My mother was worried about us, so she put me and Les in therapy. It only lasted for about six months…but I remember always being so hard on myself, thinking I was the reason for their divorce. I felt like what I failed to do the day you were taken put a lot of stress on them. I know now that most of what I blamed myself for back then was out of my control. But there was something my therapist did once that sort of helped me. It felt really awkward at the time, but every now and then I catch myself still doing it in certain situations. He had me visualize myself in the past, and he would have me talk to the younger version of myself and say everything I needed to say.” He pulls my face up so that I’m looking at him. “I think you should try that. I know it sounds lame, but really. It might help you. I think you need to go back and tell Hope everything you wish you could have told her the day you left her.”

I rest my chin on his chest. “What do you mean? Like I should visualize myself talking to her?”

“Exactly,” he says. “Just try it. Close your eyes.”

I close them. I’m not sure what it is I’m doing, but I do it anyway.

“Are they closed?”