Happy Again (This is What Happy Looks Like #1.5)(16)

“Yeah,” he said, stepping back again. “It was.”

Ellie had spent so much time trying to convince herself that it wasn’t, that he was just a movie star who came to town and that she was just the sucker who fell for him. But standing here now, his coat hanging from her shoulders, her hands poking out of the carefully rolled sleeves, she knew for sure that she’d been wrong.

“I want to be happy again,” she said quietly. “I want that for both of us.”

Graham smiled. “I do too.”

“And I want…”

He raised his eyebrows, waiting.

“I want you to be more careful when you drive.”

“I told you, I am careful—” he began, but she cut him off.

“And there are so many things I always wish I could tell you. I want to be able to write to you and not worry about what it means. I just want to know you’re out there.”

Graham nodded. “I’d like that.”

“I want to feel the way I did last summer,” Ellie said, tipping her head back to look at the purple sky. “And I want to be big and brave and bold.”

He laughed. “You already are. You’re the boldest person I know.”

“I’m not,” she said, shaking her head.

“Remember when we stole the boat?”

“That was your idea. I never would’ve done it alone.”

“Yeah, but it was because you wanted to find your dad. That was your idea. And that was one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen.”

Ellie sat back down on the bench, feeling suddenly drained. “Not that it did much good.”

“What about the letters?” Graham said, joining her there, sitting closer this time, so that their arms brushed against each other. “Did you ever send them?”

“No,” Ellie said miserably.

“Not any?”

“There’s a whole stack of them in my sock drawer,” she said, and he bumped his knee against hers.

“You’ll get there.”

“I hope so,” she said, leaning her head on his shoulder without even thinking about it. Above them, a helicopter was moving across the sky, and they could hear the distant thrum. “I want to take more chances,” she said. “And not be so afraid.”

“I want that too,” he said. “I want to remember why I love what I do, and what makes me happy, and try to forget about all the other stuff.”

“What else?”

“I want to know you’re out there too.”

She nodded into his shoulder. “I’m right here.”

“I want to be challenged. And I want to speak up more. And I want to learn to say no to wearing pants that are way too tight.”

Ellie laughed. “I think that’s probably a good idea.”

“And I want to spend more time at home.”

“I want to be able to stand in front of a room full of people and actually be able to say the thing I want to say,” she told him.

“And I want to be able to stand in front of just one person and say the thing I want to say.”

She lifted her head. “Graham…”

But he only slid an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into him again. “Your turn.”

“I want,” she said, “to be the kind of person who says yes more often.”

“That’s a good one.”

“And I want us to be happy again.”

“You already said that.”

“Yeah,” she said, “but I figure it’s worth repeating.”

“Well, it must be working,” he said, tightening his arms around her. “I don’t know about you, but I feel about a million times happier already.”

Fourteen

Not long after that, they emerged from the park. Ellie’s arm was linked through Graham’s, and they were leaning into each other like the two sides of a pup tent. She was still wearing his jacket, and he’d put the Yankees cap on again, and when they spilled out onto Fifty-Ninth Street, they became just two more in a sea of people, falling into step alongside the tourists with cameras and the men in suits and the women hailing taxis, blending in with the lights and the traffic and the noise.

“I wish we didn’t have to go back,” Graham muttered as they crossed the street, and she knew he was talking about more than just the premiere. She’d been thinking the exact same thing, but she tilted her head up to look at him with an overly cheerful expression.

“Game face,” she said with a little grin.

He laughed. “I’ve created a monster.”

“Not yet,” she said. “I still need a little practice.”

Graham stopped abruptly. They were standing in front of the Plaza Hotel, beside a huge fountain with several tiers and a metal sculpture of a woman perched on top. Nearby, a man was playing a song on the guitar that Ellie didn’t recognize, a jangly tune that rose and fell in the purple dark.

“You’re right,” he said, his eyes roving the little square. “You want to be bolder, right?”

She narrowed her eyes at him, not sure where this was heading. “Yeah.”

“So let’s see it.”

“What?”

“Your game face.”