Give Me Tonight(98)

"It's not the same."

"Not . . ." Addie started to repeat, and stopped in aston-ishment. Sometimes she forgot that although Ben was less chauvinistic than most men around here, he still had his moments. Suddenly she wanted to laugh. "Why isn't it the same?" she demanded. "If you have a right to know about my past experience, then I have a right to know about yours."

"We're not equally accountable for such things. A man is supposed to have experience. And a woman—"

"Is supposed to be ignorant? Pardon me—I forgot there was one set of rules for you and another for me."

"I'm not talking about rules—"

"Aren't you? You're supposed to be experienced and I'm not. Well, I was perfectly happy for you to be my first. But don't you think I would've liked to be your first too?"

Ben looked startled, as if the idea had never oc­curred to him before. "You have the damnedest way of twisting things around."

"Sometimes I have to. You're not always fair to me."

One corner of his mouth turned down, and he swore under his breath. "Look, I'm sorry I started this. I don't know why I asked you about that jackass. I just can't stand the thought of you being close to him."

"I can't change the fact that I used to care for him. But I never came close to feeling about him the way I do about you. You know that."

He shrugged, glaring at the floor.

Addie sighed. "Well, let me tell you something. I hate thinking of you with other women. I wish I could erase them from your memory. I wish you'd never been with anyone but me. But there's nothing I can do to change that, is there? Don't you see how pointless it is to fret about such things you have no control over?"

Ben looked up at her, his green eyes vivid in the darkness. He walked to her with measured paces, moving forward until she was forced to back up against the wall of the house. When there was no space left between her spine and the wall, he braced his arms on either side of her head. She turned her face away from his as she felt the crush of his body against hers, the touch of his breath against her cheek. God help her, she could never stay angry with him for long.

"I never said I'd be easy to get along with," he said. "You didn't have to say it. I knew you wouldn't be. "

He closed his eyes and kissed the wave of hair that had fallen over her temple, his mouth brushing against the soft skin just underneath her eye. Then his lips traced the line of her eyebrow, and she felt the touch of his tongue at the sleek point of it. She lifted her chin, seeking his mouth, and sighed a little as he kissed her with slow intensity. Silently they pressed closer to each other, clinging fiercely, hungering, pro­longing the kiss until Ben made an uncomfortable sound and raised his head.

"I won't be able to stop," he said, breathing hard.

"Ben, when are we going to be able to—"

"I wish I knew." He looked pained. "I can't visit you tonight. No one's going to sleep well tonight after the trouble this afternoon."

"What's going to happen between us and the John­sons?" she whispered, burrowing deeper into his em­brace. "I hate it that things have gone this far."

"We'll have to take things as they come. I won't let my temper get out of hand again. It'll be easier now that our engagement is out in the open."

"You have so many responsibilities. I wish I could make things easier for you. "

"I'll be fine." He groaned and rested his chin on the top of her head. "If only I didn't want you so much. I can't even look at you across the table without feeling this happen." He pulled her loins tighter into his, and she pressed her hot face into his neck, her heart racing.

"It's just as difficult for me."

"It's different for men, honey. Believe me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered with a smile.

"Addie!" came May's voice from inside the house, a signal they'd spent too much time alone on the porch.

"I'll be right in, Mama." Addie shifted away from Ben, knowing she had to leave him. She missed the warmth of his body as soon as they parted. In a sudden movement she reached out and pulled herself against him, her grip feverishly tight. "I can't let go of you."

“Addie, " he muttered, crushing her against his chest. She clung to him and welcomed the pain of it, needing to know that the violence of his love matched hers. "I want you every minute. I miss being with you. I want to hold you for hours." He bit her earlobe carefully and then buried his face in her hair. "One more kiss. And then go in the house."

Shivering, she offered her lips to him, and though the kiss started out tender, it ended in rough eager­ness.

"Now, go," he said, though his heart was hungry for a few more minutes with her.

"Don't be distant with me tomorrow," she whis­pered. "When other people are around, you never look at me as if you love me."

"You wouldn't let me before. Remember? It wasn't my idea to keep our relationship a secret."

"I was uncertain about how I felt," she admitted. "Weren't you?"

"Never. I've known for a long time how I feel about you."

She felt overwhelmed by the knowledge of his love for her. It wasn't difficult to remember the days when she'd had no one but Leah. She remembered the rainy night when even Leah had been taken away from her. Now she had more than she'd ever dreamed of.