Gabriel's Rapture (Gabriel's Inferno #2)(120)

“Katherine Picton tried to help me. She said she’d see that the university left you alone during my absence and that she would do everything she could to help you graduate on time. She mentioned that an old friend of hers had left the Department of Romance Studies at Boston University in order to take a position at UCLA. She wanted my permission to nominate me as his replacement. I asked her to go ahead.

“I interviewed for the position, and while I waited for their decision, I went to Italy. I had to do something to shake myself out of my depression before I did something I would regret.”

Julia’s stomach suddenly tightened. “Something you would regret?”

“Not women. The mere idea of being with someone else made me sick. I was more worried about other—vices.”

“Before you go any further, I need to tell you something.” Her voice was stronger and more determined than the will behind it.

Gabriel began to watch her carefully, wondering what in the world she was about to reveal.

“When I told you that my relationship with Paul didn’t go beyond friendship, what I said was true. Technically.”

“Technically?” Gabriel’s eyebrows flew up and his voice lowered to a growl.

“He wanted more. He told me he loved me. And we—kissed.”

Gabriel was silent for a moment or two, and Julia watched as his knuckles whitened.

“Is Paul who you want?”

“He was a friend to me when I needed one. But I never had romantic feelings for him. I think you know this already, but you ruined me for other men when I was seventeen.” Her voice trembled.

“But you kissed him.”

“Yes, I did.” Julia leaned over and with a gentle hand, brushed a lock of hair away from Gabriel’s forehead. “But that’s all. I had no idea you were coming back to me, but I still turned him down.” She withdrew her hand. “Not because I wouldn’t have had a good life with him. But because he wasn’t you.”

“I’m sure that distressed him.” Gabriel sounded sarcastic.

“I broke his heart,” said Julia, her shoulders hunching. “And I took no pleasure in doing so.”

The sight of Julia’s obvious discomfort tugged at him, but he couldn’t disguise the relief at her admission that he had no rivals in her affection. He squeezed her shoulder before he spoke.

“I was worried that if we had any contact and Paul found out about it, he’d run and tell Jeremy.”

“He wouldn’t have done that. He was good to me, even after I broke his heart.” Julia smoothed imaginary wrinkles out of her yellow dress. “I know you said you were faithful, and I’m not questioning you on that. But did anyone—kiss you?”

“No.” He smiled ruefully. “I’d make a good Dominican or Jesuit, don’t you think? With my new virtue of celibacy? Although I discovered during our separation that I don’t have the disposition to be a Franciscan.”

Julia gave him a quizzical look.

“That’s a story for another day.”

She squeezed his hand in affection and withdrew it, silently willing him to finish his story.

“If I wasn’t offered the position at BU, I was going to resign my job in Toronto. All I had to do was keep myself together until after graduation.

“I wanted to feel close to you, to remember a happier time, so I went to Italy. Truthfully, Julianne, those days with you in Florence and Umbria were the happiest days of my life.” He averted his eyes. “I even went to Assisi.”

“To become a Franciscan?” She smirked.

“Hardly. I visited the Basilica and I thought I saw you.”

He looked over at her hesitantly, wondering if she would think that he was disturbed. “Your doppelgänger led me to the lower church and down to the crypt, to the tomb of St. Francis.

“At first, I stared at the young woman, wishing she was you. Wishing I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I was confronted by my own failures. My sin. I’d made an idol of you. I’d worshipped you, like a pagan. Then when I lost you, I was in danger of losing everything. I told myself I needed you to save me, that I was nothing without you.

“I began to see how I’d been given chance after chance. Through no goodness of my own, I’d been given grace and love. And I’d thrown it away or treated it cheaply. I didn’t deserve the family who adopted me. I didn’t deserve Maia, who was the best part of my relationship with Paulina. I didn’t deserve to survive the drugs and graduate from Harvard. I didn’t deserve you.”

He paused and brushed at his eyes again, but this time the moisture didn’t abate.

“Grace isn’t something we deserve, Gabriel,” Julia said softly. “It comes from love. And God wraps the world in second chances and sticky little leaves and mercy, even though some people don’t want them.”

He kissed the back of her hand. “Precisely.

“In the crypt of the Basilica, something happened. I realized you couldn’t save me. And I found—peace.”

“Sometimes we search for grace until it catches us.”

“How are you not an angel?” he breathed. “Whatever happened to me, it made me want to be good. My experience caused me to focus on God, but also to love you more. I’ve always been attracted to your goodness, Julianne. But I believe I love you more deeply now than before.”