Gabriel's Inferno (Gabriel's Inferno #1)(99)

“You know what it’s like to live in a small town. The gossip started when Richard brought Scott to the hospital and neither of them would explain how he got hurt. Your father caught wind of it and came over to see if he could help.”

“He never mentioned it.”

“Richard and Grace were embarrassed. I’m sure your father wanted to protect them from small town gossip. Since no one but you and I knew what happened between us…” His voice trailed off, and he shook his head.

“Why didn’t you tell Rachel?”

“I was traumatized. And humiliated.”

Gabriel winced. He reached over to take her hand in his, his eyes burning into hers. “Don’t you remember what happened between us?”

Julia threw his hand back.

“Of course I remember! That’s the reason I’ve been so screwed up.

Sometimes I’d think back to that night and I’d believe what you said. I’d try to convince myself that you must have had a reason for leaving.

“Other times, all I could think about was how you abandoned me, and I’d have nightmares about being lost in the woods. But do you know what the sickest thing is? I hoped that you would come back. For years I hoped you’d show up on my doorstep and tell me you wanted me. That you meant what you’d said about being glad you’d found me. How pathetic is that?”

“That is not  pathetic. I agree that it looked like I abandoned you, but I swear I didn’t. And believe me, if I had thought for one moment that you were real and living in Selinsgrove, I would have shown up on your doorstep.”

He cleared his throat, and Julia felt the reverberation of his knee bouncing up and down underneath the table. “I am an addict. This is who I am. I have a need to control things and people, and that need will never go away.”

“Are you on something now?”

“Of course not! You think I’d do that do you?”

“If you’re an addict, you’re an addict. Whether I’m here or not makes no difference.”

“It makes a difference to me.”

“Addictive personalities can latch on to anything: drugs, alcohol, sex, people…what if you become addicted to me?”

“I am already addicted to you, Beatrice. Only you’re far more dangerous than cocaine.”

Julia’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

He reached over to take her hand again, stroking the veins that stood out against her pale, thin wrist. “I’m confessing to you now. I’m destructive.

I’m moody. I have a bad temper. Some of that has to do with my addiction and some of that has to do with my — past.

“Was it wrong of me to think so highly of you that my only explanation for your existence was that you were either the product of a desperate mind or the crown of God’s creation?”

His words and his face were so intense that Julia had to pull away. The combination of his voice and the feel of his long cool fingers stroking her veins…She was worried her skin would catch fire and she would disintegrate into a pile of ash. “Are you still doing drugs?”

“No.”

“Recreationally?”

“No. After my disgusting behavior in Selinsgrove, Grace convinced me to get help. I was planning to kill myself — I just needed some money to settle my affairs. My night with you changed all that. When they told me there was no one called Beatrice, I assumed you were a hallucination or an angel. And in either case, I thought someone, God perhaps, had shown mercy to me and sent you to save me. Lo seme di felicità messo de Dio nell’

anima ben posta.”

Julia closed her eyes at the sound of Dante’s words from the Convivio.

The seed of felicity sent by God into a well-disposed soul.

Gabriel cleared his throat. “Scott agreed not to press charges if I went into treatment immediately. So Richard drove me to Philadelphia that same day and checked me into a hospital. After I went through my initial detox, he took me back to Boston and put me in rehab so that I would be close to my…job.” He shifted in his chair.

Julia opened her eyes, a troubled look on her face.

“Why did you want to kill yourself, Gabriel?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know what would happen if I brought those old demons back, Beatrice.”

“Are you still suicidal?”

He cleared his throat. “No. Part of my depression was caused by the drugs. Part of it was caused by — other factors in my life that I have tried to deal with. But you know as well as I that a suicidal person is a person who has lost hope. I found my hope when I found you.”

His eyes blazed intensely, and Julia decided to change the subject.

“Your mother was an alcoholic?”

“Yes.”

“What about your father?”

“I don’t speak of him.”

“Rachel told me about the money.”

“That’s the only good thing that ever came out of him,” Gabriel growled.

“That’s not true,” Julia said quietly.

“Why not?”

“Because he made you, that’s why.”

Gabriel’s face immediately softened, and he pressed his lips to the back of her hand.