Gabriel's Inferno (Gabriel's Inferno #1)(184)

When she sat back, Gabriel stared at her in silent wonder.

She removed her scarf and gently lifted his hand so that he was touching her bite mark, a mark that had faded slightly but not disappeared. And she placed her hand on top of his tattoo. He winced and closed his eyes.

“We both have scars. And maybe you’re right, they won’t disappear. But I am your atonement, Gabriel. My life is your gift to a father who could have lost his child forever. Thank you.”

“I’m a hypocrite.” His voice was rough. “I told Tom he was a terrible father. What kind of father was I?”

“A young one. An inexperienced one. You shouldn’t have been taking drugs. But you wanted Maia. You said so yourself.”

He shuddered as they clung to one another.

“Nothing I can say will bring her back. But if it would comfort you, I would say that I believe your little girl is singing with the blessed in Paradise.

With Grace.” She wiped his tears away. “I’m sure that Grace and Maia would want you to find love and forgiveness. They would pray for your redemption.

They wouldn’t think that you’re evil.”

“How can you be sure?” he whispered.

“I learned this from you. Canto thirty-two of Dante’s Paradiso  describes the special place God has for children. Of such are the kingdom of heaven.

And in Paradise, there is only love and forgiveness. No hatred. No malice.

Only peace.”

He pulled her close and the couple, held one another tightly. Julia could not have imagined Gabriel’s secret. And although she was distressed with the way his melancholy disposition had fashioned his grief, his grief was something she could not deny.

She hadn’t loved a child only to see the child die. So she was moved with compassion for him and an abiding wil to help him recognize his own self-worth and to accept that he was loveable, despite his past sins. Seated on his lap with his tears still dampening her blouse, the picture that was Gabriel Emerson became strikingly clear. In many ways, he was very much a frightened little boy, fearful that no one would forgive him his faults. Or love him in spite of them.

But she would.

“Gabriel, you can’t be comfortable in this chair.”

He nodded against her shoulder.

“Come.” She stood up and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. She led him over to the sofa and encouraged him to sit down, while she flipped the switch for the fireplace.

He kicked off his shoes, and she coaxed him to stretch out lengthwise, resting his head in her lap. She traced his eyebrows and began running her fingers through his uncombed hair. He closed his eyes.

“Where is Paulina now?”

“In Boston. When I received my inheritance, I set up a trust fund for her and bought her an apartment. She has been in and out of rehab a couple of times. But she’s well looked after, and she went back to Harvard part-time a year or two ago.”

“What happened the night she called during our dinner?”

Gabriel gave her a puzzled look before recognition flashed across his face. “I forgot that you heard that call. She’d been drinking and got into a car accident. She was hysterical on the phone, and I thought I was going to have to fly down there. She only calls when she’s in trouble. Or when she wants something.”

“So what happened?”

“I ran back to my apartment, but before I left for the airport, I called my lawyer in Boston. He met her at the hospital and assured me that she wasn’t as badly injured as she led me to believe. But she was charged a day or so later. There was nothing I could do but hire someone to defend her.

She has been pretty good lately, but this happens from time to time.”

Perhaps it was the flickering glow of the fire. Perhaps it was the stress of having revealed his darkest secret. But at that moment Gabriel looked remarkably old and weary for his thirty-something years.

“Do you love her?”

Gabriel shook his head. “I don’t think my feelings count as love, although I feel something for her. She was never familiar  to me, much to my shame. But I couldn’t abandon her. Not when her family was so far away and they refused to help. I was the cause of her problems and the possibility that she’ll never have another child.” His voice grew uneven, and he shivered.

“Is that why you decided not to have children?”

“An eye for an eye, remember. When she cried in my arms and told me, I made the decision. I had a hard time convincing a doctor to agree to perform the procedure; they all argued that I was too young and that I would change my mind. But finally, I found someone to do it. Strangely, it comforted me at the time.”

He reached his hand up to caress the curve of Julia’s cheek. “I told her about you. She has always been jealous, but she knows I can’t give her what she wants. Our relationship is — complicated. She will always be part of my life, Julianne. I need you to realize that. That is, if you still…”

She pressed their lips together. “Of course I still love you. You’re supporting her and helping her whenever she gets into trouble. That’s the honorable thing to do.”

“Believe me, Julianne, I am far from honorable.”

“Would you…tell me about your tattoo?”

He sat up so that he could remove his shirt, which he dropped unceremoniously onto the Persian carpet. He reclined on her lap and looked up into her eyes, which radiated acceptance and concern.