Gabriel's Inferno (Gabriel's Inferno #1)(134)

“Happiness is something I know precious little about. You?”

Julia twisted the edge of the bed sheet in her hand. “I try to be happy.

I try to focus on the little things and find pleasure in them. Your pie made me happy.”

“If I’d known the pie would make you happy, I would have given it to you sooner.”

“Why aren’t you happy now?”

“I bartered my birthright for a bowl of pottage.”

“You’re quoting scripture?” Julia was incredulous.

Gabriel bristled. “I’m not a pagan, Julianne. I was brought up Episco-palian. Richard and Grace were very devout. Didn’t you know that?”

She nodded. She’d forgotten.

His face took on a remarkably serious expression. “I still believe, even though I don’t live like it. I know that makes me a hypocrite.”

“All believers are hypocrites because none of us live up to our beliefs.

I believe too, but I’m not very good. I only go to Mass when I’m sad, or at Christmas and Easter.” She reached her hand out to find his and clasped him tightly. “If you still believe, you must have hope. You must believe that happiness is possible for you too.”

He released her hand and rolled onto his back, gazing up at the ceiling.

“I lost my soul, Julianne.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re looking at one of those precious few who have committed the sin unto death.”

“How?”

Gabriel sighed. “My name is the bitterest irony. I’m closer to a devil than an angel, and I’m beyond redemption because I’ve done unforgivable things.”

“You mean — with Professor Singer?”

He laughed bitterly. “Would that those were my only sins. But no, Julianne, I’ve done worse. Please just accept what I say.”

She inched closer. Her delicate features creased with worry, and her eyebrows knitted together. She took her time considering the words he had not said, while he trailed repentant fingers up and down her arm.

“I know that keeping secrets from you is hurtful. I know that I won’t be able to keep them from you forever. Please, just give me a little time.”

He exhaled slowly and lowered his voice. “I promise I won’t make love to you without telling you who I am first.”

“It’s a bit soon to discuss that, don’t you think?”

He frowned and searched her eyes. “Is it?”

“Gabriel, we’re just getting to know one another. And there have already been a few surprises.”

He winced. “You need to know my intentions. I don’t intend to seduce you, then leave. I don’t intend to save some of my secrets until after I make you wholly mine. I’m trying to be good.”

Gabriel’s vow was made in good faith. He wanted her, he wanted all of her, but he realized while he lay awake that night that he couldn’t take her virginity before he’d revealed his true self. Although her ultimate reaction to Ann had taught him to hope, he was still afraid that his revelations would drive her away. She could do better. Nevertheless, the thought of Julianne with someone else made his heart stutter.

“Do you have a conscience?”

“What kind of question is that?” he growled.

“Do you believe that there’s a difference between right and wrong?”

“Of course!”

“Do you know the difference?”

Gabriel scrubbed at his face with both hands and kept them there.

“Julianne, I am not a sociopath. Knowing isn’t the problem — doing is the problem.”

“Then you haven’t lost your soul. Only a creature with a soul can tell the difference between right and wrong. Yes, you’ve made mistakes, but you feel guilt. You feel remorse. And if you still have your soul, you haven’t lost your chance at redemption.”

Gabriel smiled sadly and kissed her. “You sound like Grace.”

“Grace was very wise.”

“And so are you, Miss Mitchell. Apparently,” he gently mocked her.

“Actually, I am. With a little bit of help from Aquinas, Professor.”

He reached over and pulled up her t-shirt slightly so that he could softly tickle her naked flesh.

“Ah! Gabriel! Stop it!” She giggled and writhed, trying to get away from him.

He continued for a moment, just to give himself the pleasure of hearing her laughter ring out in the darkened space. Then he let her go. “Thank you, Julianne.” He caressed her cheek. “You almost make me believe it.”

She placed her arm around his waist, snuggling into his side and inhaling his scent gleefully. “You always smell good.”

“You can thank Rachel and Grace. They started buying me Aramis a long time ago. I kept on buying it out of habit.” He grinned. “Do you think I should try something else?”

“Not if Grace bought it for you.”

Gabriel’s smile faded, but he pressed a kiss to her forehead nonetheless.

“I suppose it’s a good thing she didn’t buy Brut.”

Julia laughed.

They lay very still for a few minutes, before she whispered close to his ear. “There is something I’d like to tell you.”

Gabriel pursed his lips slightly and nodded.